


if you get lost (you can always be found)

by Leahelisabeth (fortheloveofcamelot)



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Aliens, Alternate Universe - Space, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, F/M, Farscape fusion, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sexual Content, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-10-27 23:34:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 67,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20768789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortheloveofcamelot/pseuds/Leahelisabeth
Summary: Neil runs away from his past on earth.  He gets shot through a wormhole to some distant part of the universe where he's picked up by a living ship full of escaped prisoners.  Complicating matters, he is being chased by Captain Moriyama, an insane military commander, he's falling for an emotionally unavailable former soldier, and no matter how far he runs from his secret past, it will always catch up to him.





	1. it's not like I've got somewhere to be.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited to finally be posting this! It has really been a labour of love from start to finish. Thanks ever so much to my artist, [sophiespomani](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophiespomani/pseuds/sophiespomani). She did a wonderful job of bringing my vision to life. I will add a link to her art post once it has gone live. Also, many thanks to my beta, [gluupor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor). She was my cheerleader the whole way through and edited this entire monstrosity twice and helped me close up my (numerous) plot holes and helped make this fic what it is. And thank you so much to Niko and Bela for running this event! I had an absolute blast and I'm already thinking about next year!
> 
> * * *
> 
> This fic has a playlist! You can find it [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4uxpEQhTJNZN38W4268mKY?si=CK4n-uujRgmsGkYrfiqFKA)

_ _

_You better run fast_

_Get it done even if it takes all night_

_ I don’t know what else you’ve been told_

_But I’m above that_

_And if I change my mind, it’ll be alright_

_It’s not like you’ve got somewhere to be_

_Run fast_

_Don’t forget who I am, and I don’t ask twice_

_While you’re at it would you mind_

_To read mine_

_'Cause I needed that last week, but take your time_

_It’s not like I’ve got somewhere to be_

**March 8, 2005**

He had one shot and he knew it. Neil breathed deeply as he maneuvered his module into position. He kept one eye on his instrument panel and the other on his pursuers. They had only just gotten off the ground but he was running out of time. He could hear an unidentified rattling behind him but there was no time to figure out what was wrong, much less fix it. He would be just as dead if he didn’t run than if his ship fell apart in the vacuum of space.

His sensors came alive as the solar flare reached him and he punched the accelerator. The rattling grew louder as he dropped a little lower into the ionosphere. He needed to maintain his heading and let the energy build around him. He left a trail behind him as he reached the maximum velocity he was able to achieve from his engines alone. Gravity took hold of him and pushed him farther, faster than he had ever gone before.

The wormhole opened up in front of him and he thought he would cry from relief. His mother’s calculations were correct. He reached forward and made another quick adjustment to the phase shifter on his dashboard. Theoretically it would protect him from the radiation in the wormhole and prevent him from experiencing the liquefaction that would soon befall his pursuers. He could see another ship breaching the atmosphere behind him but it was too late for them to catch him. He was in the swirling blue entrance now and it would close behind him.

He exited the wormhole into chaos. A large ship, golden and round with three long tails that came to a point behind was in the center of a maelstrom of black ships. One of them flew straight at him. He managed to dodge enough to avoid a head on collision but it still clipped his wing before pinwheeling off and colliding with a nearby asteroid. It exploded on impact but Neil couldn’t spare a thought for the loss of life as the minor collision knocked something loose and he realized he was losing air.

He couldn’t see a leak anywhere but it could just as easily be an issue with his oxygen pump. Looking at the instrument panel, he had maybe five minutes before the level of oxygen became critically low. His hands hovered above the controls for a moment with indecision before he steered his ship toward the big golden thing. He didn’t have many memories of his childhood, shadowed as they were by pain and fear, but something in him rebelled at seeking help from the other ship, menacing and black, sleek and deadly.

The people on the ship must have decided he wasn’t a threat because a green web of energy reached out from the ship and drew him in. He was on his last few gasps when he popped open the cockpit. He breathed deeply and didn’t choke on the air. It didn’t seem to be poisonous or incompatible. He staggered as he climbed out of the ship. With shaking fingers, he reached up and found blood trickling from his scalp just behind his right ear. He didn’t remember receiving the injury.

A little yellow robot rolled up to his feet and shocked his ankles. Neil danced away only to stumble into the path of another. They were herding him out of the hanger and he had no choice but to follow. His head spun, almost dumping him off his feet but he managed to remain standing as he staggered down a long corridor to what could only be the bridge.

He heard them before he saw them, alien voices that he only peripherally understood. His long dormant translator microbes woke up sluggishly and the sounds slowly gave up their meanings.

When he walked through the door, everyone turned to look at him. The tension was thick in the air. He recognized some of the species.

“We need that control collar off now,” the Luxan growled. His body looked basically human, although he was uncommonly large and strong, but the eight large tentacles protruding from the base of his skull could not be more alien. He was also completely bald with protruding brow ridges. “Otherwise we’re not going anywhere.”

“Peace, Jean,” the Delvian had her hands among the wires of some kind of steering mechanism. “I almost have it.” Neil had never seen a Delvian up close. Her skin was completely blue with patterns of white dots on her nose, spreading up across her forehead, and also decorating the backs of her hands.

“That’s the right prowler,” a short blond Sebacean man, basically indistinguishable from a Human, pointed out the window and glared menacingly at a tall woman, grey from head to toe. “It has to be.”

“You better be right this time. The last thing we need is another Peacekeeper drelk.” She looked over at Neil as she said it, baring her teeth in a manner that could be menacing or sexual. “There, he’s in the docking web. He’ll get dragged along with us if we ever manage to frelling starburst.” She yelled that at the Delvian.

It took Neil a moment to remember what the word ‘drelk’ meant. He flushed hotly at being called a piece of shit but there was too much going on to start a fight about it.

A burst of sparks came from the console and the Delvian looked smug. “Prepare for starburst,” she smirked.

Neil was not prepared as the ship shot forward in a burst of brilliant light. He rocked back and hit his already injured head on the wall. His vision exploded in a shower of sparks and he fought hard to stay awake, terrified of being left vulnerable among all these strangers. It wasn’t enough. His vision faded to white as alien faces surrounded him.

* * *

Neil’s mouth tasted awful and he couldn’t summon enough spit to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth. He groaned and opened his eyes, startling as he locked eyes with a Sebacean Peacekeeper crouched beside him on the floor. For a moment, Neil thought it was the man he had seen on the bridge when he arrived but his bearing was completely different.

When he noticed Neil’s eyes were open, the other man stood and backed away. Neil sat up and scooted away until his back hit the wall. He was in something that he assumed was a cell. Three of the walls were solid and the door was made of intersecting metal spirals. Neil couldn’t figure out how it might open.

“Aren’t you a little short…?” Neil choked back and didn’t say “for a Peacekeeper.” Because Neil Josten was Human. Neil Josten had never set foot on another planet besides Earth. Neil Josten didn’t know that aliens existed, much less that this alien was called a Sebacean and was part of an elite military force that policed this part of the galaxy. Neil Josten was here by accident.

Something flickered in the Sebacean’s eyes and with a flash of silver, Neil was pinned to the wall, the glint of a knife altogether too close to his left eye for comfort. “Name and identification number,” he said, nothing but boredom showing on his face.

“My name is Neil Josten. I don’t have an identification number,” Neil gasped, shrinking away from the blade.

“Identification number, now,” the blond pressed the knife closer and Neil was sure he would cut his eyelid if he so much as blinked. “And what is wrong with your eyes?”

Neil wondered how much it would hurt to have a contact lens removed with a blade. “I’m not a Peacekeeper. I’m not even Sebacean. I’m Human.”

The Peacekeeper’s eyes narrowed. “I’ve never heard of a Human.”

“I’m kind of the first one out here,” Neil said. “I live on a planet called Earth and before this, no Humans had made it past our planet’s moon.”

“Andrew, stop, let him go,” a voice came from the doorway to their cell.

Both Neil and Andrew turned to look at the intruder. Neil recognized the Sebacean man from the bridge.

Andrew stood and stared at the identical other man, one eyebrow raised and showing the closest thing to a real emotion that Neil had seen so far.

The other man faltered. “It’s me,” he said. “Aaron...your brother? Don’t you recognize me?”

“You think I wouldn’t recognize that face? I have a mirror after all. Why have you locked me up?” Andrew stepped gracefully toward the door, every movement telegraphing menace. Aaron stepped away so he wasn’t within arms’ reach of the bars.

“I found a way to free us. And I didn’t want you to go on a rampage before I had a chance to talk to you.” Aaron frowned.

“Once again, you have assumed I need freeing. Show me to my ship. I’m leaving,” Andrew scowled.

Aaron’s face wobbled. “You don’t know what you’re saying. Those Peacekeepers have frelled with your mind for long enough,” he spat.

“Aaron, stop antagonizing him. You were supposed to let them out and bring them to meet the rest of the crew,” a gentle voice came from the blindspot down the corridor. Neil saw the Delvian from the cockpit walk gracefully into view. She was dressed like a priestess but she did not have her head shaved as was typical of their clergy. Her hair was grown out to her shoulders and the ends were tipped with bright colours that contrasted nicely against the dark blue of her skin. She pressed her palm to the wall, touching something that Neil could not see and moments later, part of the wall swung up and away, leaving them free to exit.

“I am Pa’u Renee. Please let me know if I can provide anything to make your stay more comfortable,” she smiled. Neil nodded but had no intention of taking her up on her offer. His mother had said to never trust a Delvian and now, looking into this woman’s calm eyes and seeing the current of lies swimming deep beneath her almost convincing lack of guile, he was inclined to agree.

“I’m Neil,” he said simply. Andrew glared and refused to speak. “And that’s Andrew.”

“Yes, I can see the family resemblance to Aaron; it’s quite uncanny. Sebacean double births are rare. I haven’t met another of their like. Neil, I apologize for your imprisonment. We couldn’t be sure you weren’t allied with the Peacekeepers chasing us. We ran a few tests on your ship and were able to determine it is not any sort of Sebacean technology.” Renee paused for a moment to allow Neil a chance to react but he stayed stubbornly silent.

“Andrew,” Renee continued, “we are already far from your squadron and you will not be allowed access to your prowler. I assume you are smart enough not to cause trouble?”

Andrew shrugged. Renee’s eyes narrowed for a moment and Neil was relieved that look was not aimed at him. She must have seen what she needed because she smiled brightly and looked at Neil again.

“Follow me and I will introduce you to the rest of us,” Renee said, sweeping down the hallway without looking to see if they would follow. “This is a Leviathan ship. Are you familiar with the concept?”

Neil shook his head because Neil Josten was only familiar with Earth’s limited space travel. Renee ignored Andrew’s taciturn silence and kept speaking.

“She is a living ship. She and her pilot have consented to carry us from place to place. She takes care of us and we give her a purpose. Her name is Abby,” Renee continued.

Neil nodded, trying to look shocked.

They reached the bridge once more and Renee led him first to a clamshell structure that he hadn’t noticed before.

“Coach?” Renee asked and a hologram appeared of a strange creature that Neil had never seen. “This is Neil. He is the one we picked up in the unknown vessel. Neil, this is our pilot. His name is Wymack but we all call him Coach. He keeps the ship functioning and also speaks for Abby. And this is Andrew, Aaron’s twin.

“This is Seth,” she said as they passed the Hynerian. Neil shuddered as he saw the squat, hairy form hovering three feet above the ground in what appeared to be a flying chair. They were disgusting creatures, like fat rats with flat faces and giant hairy eyebrows; this was the closest Neil had ever been to a live one. He peered at Andrew and huffed a laugh at the look of disgust on his face. It was the most emotion the Peacekeeper had shown so far.

“Dominar Seth,” the creature scowled, raising his hover chair into the air so he was looking down at them. “I rule over a million subjects. I accept your fealty.”

“Yes, yes, you’re very important,” Renee said without a hint of teasing on her face.

“And this is Allison,” Renee swept on, her face softening as she brought Neil and Andrew over to the tall grey woman. Allison reached out and ran her hand down Renee’s arm, giving her a look that made Neil uncomfortable just to witness.

“This is a pretty one,” Allison purred, reaching out to stroke Neil’s cheek. Neil flinched back violently but that only seemed to intensify the interest in her eyes. She made a movement as if to reach for Andrew next but he pulled back quickly and headed back toward the door of the bridge.

“I have no need to meet the rest of your crew,” he snapped. “I’m not planning on staying here for long.” He moved to leave the bridge but two tall aliens stood in his way, the shorter, presumably female one with her hand threateningly placed on her weapon. Andrew shrugged and found a place with his back against the wall and as far as possible from everyone else in the room.

“Matt and Dan,” Renee nodded to the two guarding the door. They had dark skin and reddish brown curls sweeping back from high foreheads. Neil thought they might be Interons. He had never seen one but his mother had described them. The only way to know for sure is if their screams melted metal and he had to fight the sudden impulse to shout ‘boo!’

Neil nodded to them. The woman sized him up, apparently deeming him unimportant but the man grinned at him, somewhat resembling a stray puppy he had once found in an alley and taken care of for a week before his mother found out.

“And this is Jean,” Renee dragged his attention away from the two to introduce the Luxan. The two locked eyes and Neil had to look away first. He had only ever seen anger in a Luxan’s eyes and the deep sadness lingering there was unsettling.

“We’re wasting time,” Aaron interrupted. “We need to go get Nicky. He isn’t safe. The Peacekeepers know he is our cousin and they’ll take him into custody the moment they realize that I’ve escaped and Andrew is missing.”

“We will,” Renee soothed. “Abby cannot starburst again so soon but we’re going as fast as we can. Besides, we need time to make a plan. We can’t be caught. It will do no good to Nicky if we all end up back behind bars.”

“Is that your plan?” Andrew sneered. “Risk everything you’ve done so far to rescue some half-breed tralk? I knew you were stupid and sentimental but I didn’t realize you were suicidal.”

With an incoherent yell of rage, Aaron threw himself at his brother, managing to land one solid hit before Andrew pinned him to the ground, slender silver knife drawing a bead of blood from his neck.

“I thought you disarmed him,” Dan yelled at Matt, throwing herself into the fray.

“I did,” Matt protested. “He must have had it concealed.” He waded in to back her up and Neil took the opportunity to slip away back to his ship.

He cursed when he found the crater in her life support systems. If he left now, he wouldn’t get far. He crawled into the cockpit and ripped up the seat to find the secret compartment underneath. He pulled out his mother’s old and faded journal that contained all the wormhole knowledge she managed to amass during her lifetime. He stuffed it under his shirt in lieu of a better hiding place and returned to the others.

He squared his shoulders and crept back onto the bridge. Andrew was sitting sullenly in the corner, his hands cuffed, while Dan flipped his knife in the air and caught it. It seemed no one had noticed his absence until he saw Andrew staring at him, a look of practiced indifference on his face. Neil returned his gaze evenly, giving no ground. He was here now, whether Andrew liked it or not.

* * *

Neil wasn’t part of the planning. In fact, besides Renee’s nearly overbearing hospitality and Matt’s general friendliness, everyone on the ship seemed content to just leave him alone.

He had been assigned a room, thankfully without a roommate, and for the time being he was content to stay there updating his mother’s notebook with the findings from his trip. If he wasn’t in his room, he was in the maintenance bay repairing the life support systems in his ship. He felt antsy without an escape route. It was easy to avoid the other inhabitants of the ship if he spent his time in these two places. He noticed when they docked at a planet but was quite surprised when he was paged to the bridge. He had not planned to disembark

When he got there, the meeting was already in full swing. Allison was practically bent double as she shoved her breasts in Aaron’s face. “I think I’m the natural choice to go,” she smirked. “Look at you, can’t even look at a pair of numas without going bright red. Everyone will be looking at a greebol like you in seconds. I know how to blend in.”

“He’s my cousin,” Aaron argued mulishly, even as he stared fixedly at a point behind her on the wall. “He trusts me.”

“Have any of you ever even been to a pleasure planet?” Allison asked. “No large groups. No frelling tourists. Let me get in and get out. We’ll have Nicky on this ship before the Peacekeepers even arrive.”

Aaron stood his ground for a few seconds more before his shoulders collapsed. “What if he doesn’t want to come with you?” he asked.

Allison looked him up and down with a critical eye. “That necklace you wear, will he know it?”

Aaron’s hand came up and he clutched at the chain around his neck. “Well yes, but…”

“Hand it over,” she stepped forward with her hand out.

Aaron shrank back. “It’s important to me.”

“Then he should know you wouldn’t part with it willingly,” she purred.

“Or he’ll think you stole it off his corpse,” Andrew said.

Oddly enough, that was the thing that convinced Aaron. He reverently undid the clasp and carefully put it in her hand. “Do not lose that. I haven’t ever had to kill anyone but that will change if that isn’t back around my neck by tonight. Tell Nicky it was a gift from Katelyn. He’ll know I would never give that information away willingly.”

Allison rolled her eyes but still stowed the necklace securely.

“What about the rest of us?” Dan asked. “We’re just to sit here and wait while Allison does all the work?”

Renee stood and commanded the attention of the room. “Dan, if you wish, you may take Matt and replenish some of our supplies. But you need to stay close in case we need to leave in a hurry. We may not be able to come back for you if we have to run. The rest of you stay put for now.”

Neil took that as dismissal and turned to head back to his room.

“Neil, if I might have a word,” Renee appeared at his elbow.

“I guess,” Neil said.

“I want you to know that you are not a prisoner here. I don’t know that a pleasure planet is necessarily the best place for you to strike out on your own but you are not on our manifest and no one should be looking for you. If not here, then we can drop you off on any planet to your liking,” Renee smiled at him.

“Can I think about it?” Neil asked.

“Of course, you are free to come and go whenever you wish,” Renee touched his arm and Neil forced himself to make eye contact. “If you decide to stay, you will have a place here.”

Neil nodded and pulled away from her, mind already churning. A pleasure planet could be a good place to disappear. But he might be safer if he continued moving and his module was definitely not equipped for interstellar travel.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a flash of black down the corridor near the maintenance bay. He crept closer to the hangar to see Andrew climbing into his black ship and flying out of the hangar. Curious, he climbed into his own module and followed.

Andrew landed on the planet; Neil saw his tiny figure getting out of his ship and made a note of the direction of his travel before landing himself. He climbed out of the cockpit and headed down the street in the general direction Andrew had gone.

He saw no sign of a short blonde Peacekeeper down any of the roads in the area and was about to head back to his module and back to the ship when a hand reached out from an alleyway and pulled him in.

“What are you doing here?” Andrew asked, standing on his toes to stare Neil in the face.

“I could ask you the same question,” Neil grinned.

“Your stealth needs work,” Andrew replied.

“I didn’t think your prowler had a rear view mirror,” Neil teased.

Andrew’s hand fisted tighter in Neil’s neckline but then he stepped back and looked at Neil speculatively. “How attached are you to those prisoners on the ship?”

“I’m attached to whoever can get me from point A to point B,” Neil said, cracking his neck and stepping back into Andrew’s space.

“Okay.” Andrew turned and walked away. Neil stood there for a moment in indecision.

“Are you coming or what?” Andrew asked without turning around.

“Oh, uh...yes,” Neil said, taking a few quick steps to catch up to Andrew. They walked in silence for a few minutes. “So uh...what about your cousin?” Neil finally broke the silence.

“I barely know the guy,” Andrew said, slowing down and putting his hand out to keep Neil back.

“But he’s your family,” Neil protested.

“If you don’t shut your mouth, I will reconsider letting you tag along with me,” Andrew hissed at him.

“Where are we going?” Neil abandoned one line of questioning for another.

“Do you have no sense of self preservation?” Andrew stood up tall and strode around the corner without waiting for Neil to answer.

“Minyard, you’re later than I expected,” a big brutish guy in the same uniform as Andrew stood next to one of the houses, hand resting ominously on something that resembled a pistol and sat in a thigh holster.

“I'd say it's good to see you, Hawking, but you know how I hate to lie," Andrew said, not even bothering to look him in the eye.

“Good to see your little field trip hasn’t made you any less of a drelk,” Hawking laughed, before spinning precisely on his heel and striding down the alleyway. “Captain Moriyama has questions for you. Bring your tralk.”

Neil bristled and opened his mouth to speak, he was nobody’s whore, but Andrew glared at him furiously and shook his head, making Neil reconsider. Still, he filed the man’s name in his memory, in case he ran out of enemies at some point in the near future.

Hawking led them down some of the more deserted streets until they reached a nondescript building close to the edge of the settlement. Two Peacekeeper guards stood outside the door. There were few people around and most of them seemed to be more interested in protecting their own identities than trying to discover theirs.

Inside the room, Neil saw other Peacekeepers, all but one of them standing at attention. The lone exception was lounging in a chair. The opulent fabric of his uniform and the casual way he sat suggested he was some kind of officer.

“Captain Moriyama, I’ve found the deserter,” Hawking reported.

Captain Moriyama tried to look imposing. His hair was dark and slicked back from his face and braided into a neat queue halfway down his back. The look on his face wasn’t a smile, although his lips stretched wide and his perfect straight teeth were bared in their direction.

“Andrew Minyard,” the man spoke and Neil shuddered. His voice was like an oil slick creeping down his spine.

“Captain Moriyama,” Andrew nodded, shoulders square and looking every inch a professional.

“And you brought this one too.” Moriyama stood and stepped forward, closer to Neil. He was taller than both Neil and Andrew but not by as much as his well heeled boots would leave some to believe. “I’ve been looking for him. Appeared out of nowhere, killed one of my best flyers, and absconded with a ship full of Peacekeeper prisoners under my personal care. I’m starting to think you have a vendetta against me.”

“I’d have to know who you are first,” Neil smirked, even as Captain Moriyama got in his face and loomed over him. “Vendettas are not often born out of indifference.”

Moriyama stood there for a few more seconds, waiting for Neil to give ground. His smile slipped just briefly. He turned to Andrew. “Where is the ship? I assume you are eager to get your brother and his seditious ideas back into custody.”

Andrew opened his mouth and Neil saw something flicker across his face. “Long gone, I’m afraid,” he said. “The only opportunity I had to escape was when they were preparing for starburst. I had to make a choice between returning to my post or apprehending my brother.”

“Oh Andrew, I am disappointed in you,” Moriyama looked over to where Hawking stood by the wall and nodded. Hawking stepped out the door and held it open. Four Peacekeepers came through. The first two dragged Allison between them, barely conscious. She had obviously put up a good fight before being captured. The other two were escorting a tall man, probably Sebacean, with dark curly hair and a cheeky grin that remained fixed despite the heavy bruising on his face.

“Aaron? Are you okay?” the man asked.

“Not Aaron,” Andrew snarled between gritted teeth.

“See, I know the only reason that ship came to this planet is for your cousin. Now why do you suppose they would leave without him? You lied, Andrew.” Moriyama strolled over to Nicky and punched him hard in the stomach.

Andrew made an aborted movement to lunge toward them but held himself back. “You don’t need him. Aaron obviously didn’t care enough to stick around and I do not know him. He is nothing to me.”

Moriyama gestured to Hawking again. “Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, I was all too happy to welcome you back under my command. You’ve always been a good soldier. You’ve been an exemplary pilot. Your record speaks for itself, which is why I am so disappointed to find you...irreversibly contaminated.”

“What?” Andrew asked. “I’m not…” he was cut off as more Peacekeepers filed into the room, seizing him and Neil and fastening their hands into cuffs.

The four of them were dragged outside and shoved hard into some sort of stone pit, possibly one for keeping animals. Pain shot up Neil’s wrists as he tried to catch himself with his cuffed hands. He groaned and pushed himself to standing. Andrew was doing the same thing beside him, shaking his hands in disgust as he’d landed in some unidentifiable but hopefully animal, shit. He was thankful he hadn’t landed where Andrew had. Allison still lay where she had fallen and Nicholas was slow to get to his feet, a stunned expression on his face.

Most of the Peacekeeper soldiers went back inside, leaving Hawking and another man on guard duty. They stood on opposite ends of the pit, weapons drawn and pointing downward.

“Andrew, I’m so glad to see you,” Nicky spoke, coming forward with his arms stretched wide.

“Back off, Nicholas.” Andrew glared and neatly dodged the impending hug.

Nicholas pouted but went and helped Allison into a sitting position. She leaned on his shoulder and Neil wondered at the man’s instincts of self preservation. The closer she got to full consciousness, the more her rage built.

“Who are you?” Nicholas asked. Neil stood there silently for a moment before he realized that Nicholas was talking to him.

“Uh, Neil,” he said.

“Neil, call me Nicky,” he grinned wide. “Have you laid claim to this one, cousin, or is he free for recreation?”

Andrew’s cheeks went slightly red and his nostrils flared. Before he could speak, Hawking stepped right up to the edge of the pit.

“Be silent,” Hawking sneered. “This is not a social event.”

Neil and Andrew glanced at each other briefly and seized their moment. Each of them grabbed an ankle and they dragged Hawking into the pit. Neil pulled the pistol from Hawking’s hand and pointed it at the other Peacekeeper before he could react. Andrew brutally punched Hawking’s face and he stopped struggling and went still.

“Keys,” Neil said. “Now.”

The other guard hesitated and his weapon wavered.

Neil shot at the man’s feet. “I won’t ask again,” he said. “Hand over the keys now or I’ll fill you full of...little yellow bolts of light.”

The man hesitated again but Neil tightened his finger on the trigger. He reconsidered and tossed the keys to him. Neil bent and retrieved them, aim unwavering.

Allison stood and pulled Nicky to his feet. “Unlock my cuffs,” she told Neil.

“No, unlock mine,” Andrew said, putting his hands in Neil’s face.

“Unlock me and I will unlock you,” Allison growled. “You can’t trust him.”

“How do I know I can trust you?” Neil asked. “Can you get me out of here? Off this planet? Out of this system?”

“You can’t escape the Peacekeepers,” the soldier glared down at them. “Minyard, quash this uprising now and you may yet escape the death penalty.”

“Yes,” Allison said. “I can. Help me escape this now and we’ll shelter you.”

“Do not trust her, she’s a criminal,” Andrew said.

“We all are,” Neil retorted. “And they have a long range ship. How far are you going to get in that prowler?”

“Farther than you will in that frelling module,” Andrew sneered.

“Andrew, we don’t have time for this,” Nicky pleaded.

“You won’t get away with this,” the soldier tried once more to convince them to give up.

Neil shot at his feet again. “Shut up,” he snarled. He handed the keys to Allison. “Unlock me, then Nicky and yourself. And then I want safe passage for me and for Andrew.”

“We’re not taking a Peacekeeper,” Allison sneered. “He’ll turn us in the first chance he gets.”

“He can’t stay here,” Neil said. “They’ll kill him.”

“I vote we take him too,” Nicky said. “He’s my cousin.”

“No, Allison is right. I’m a Peacekeeper and that’s all I’ll ever be. You should leave me behind.” Andrew backed away from them.

“Come with us, Andrew. Haven’t you ever wanted to be more?” Neil took the keys back from Allison and handed her the weapon, reaching out to unlock Andrew’s cuffs.

“Andrew,” Nicky said softly and that seemed to convince him. Andrew sighed and his mouth softened from its rigid line and he allowed Neil to take the cuffs off. Allison covered them as they clambered out of the pit and Andrew knocked out the guard with brutal efficiency so he couldn’t sound the alarm as they made their escape.

They managed to avoid the remaining Peacekeepers as they snuck back to their ships. Allison signalled Matt and Dan to take off without her and they all made it back to Abby without further mishap.

“I thought we’d got rid of you,” Seth grumbled when they re-entered the bridge. “You could have stayed away.”

Nicky immediately started sobbing and ran across the room to pull a rigid and blushing Aaron into a giant hug while Andrew looked on with a scandalized expression. Nicky pulled back slightly to hand Aaron his necklace. Aaron held it to his lips for a brief moment before hanging the chain back around his neck.

“We need to go,” Allison said, clasping Renee by the forearms and staring into her eyes in an intense way that made Neil cringe from secondhand embarrassment. “Moriyama sent for a command carrier. I don’t know how much time we have before it arrives.”

“Coach, is Abby ready for starburst?” Renee asked.

“No, she still needs time to recover. Her systems are still damaged from the control collar. She won’t be ready for at least another arn,” Coach protested.

“We don’t have an arn,” Dan said grimly. “We barely have a microt. They’re here.”

“Feel free to get out and push if you think it will do any good.” Coach glared at them.

“I’m not going back there,” Matt said, his ever present grin slipping for the first time since Neil met him. “I will not be a prisoner again. We have to run.”

“A Leviathan can’t outrun a command carrier,” Andrew said, “not without starburst. I knew I should have taken my chances on the ground.”

“We have to try,” Dan said, her white-knuckled grip on Matt’s hand the only thing betraying her calm.

“Wait,” Neil said, not able to completely hide the flinch when they all turned to look at him. “I have an idea.”

“Neil, I’m not sure now is the time,” Dan started.

“We’ll be in range of their frag cannons in mere microts. You think you can save us when your people have barely even made it off your own planet much less out of your system,” Andrew growled.

“Just...trust me, you need to take us back toward the planet,” Neil said.

“Toward the Peacekeepers?” Seth shouted, “Are you completely fahrbot?”

“I don’t really have time to explain but if we enter the atmosphere at…” Neil grabbed a pen out of his uniform and did a few quick calculations on his arm, “...28 to 38 degrees, the gravitational pull of the planet will slingshot us away from the planet at a significantly higher speed than we could achieve with propulsion alone.”

There was a moment of tense silence before Coach screamed at them. “They’re preparing to fire.”

“We’ve got to try,” Neil pleaded.

“He’s right.” A deep voice rumbled as Jean stepped forward. Neil had forgotten the Luxan was even in the room. “I’m not ready to give up and go back to...him.”

“One problem,” Coach said. “It is taking everything I have to keep running Abby’s systems. I cannot fly her so precisely.”

“Can she be flown manually?” Neil asked.

“She can,” Coach said.

“Who can fly her?” Neil asked. No one answered. “Andrew, you’re the experienced pilot. You fly her.”

“No,” Andrew said.

“This is madness,” Seth shouted.

“Andrew,” Neil said softly, “you’ll let us die? Your brother? Your cousin?”

Andrew’s eyebrows drew down but he shouted hoarsely. “Coach, give me maneuverability.” A sundial like steering mechanism rose up out of the floor and Andrew put his hands on it.

“28 to 38 degrees,” Neil said.

“I heard you the first time,” Andrew gritted as he dodged the Peacekeepers’ opening shot.

He pushed the wheel forward, tilting Abby down toward the atmosphere

“More speed,” Neil said. “We need to be going fast enough so the gravity doesn’t pull us in.”

Andrew pushed forward and the ride grew rougher as they skimmed the atmosphere.

“Pull up now,” Neil shouted and Andrew immediately nosed Abby up.

“It’s working,” Coach said, heaving a sigh of relief. “We’ve left them behind,”

The whole room stopped holding their breath and Matt and Dan hugged each other. Neil grinned. Matt’s joy was infectious.

“I’ll keep her on this heading until we’re ready to starburst,” Coach said. “Thank you, Neil.”

Everyone quickly scattered to their own areas of the ship, leaving Neil standing on the bridge, looking out the front of the ship at the alien stars.

“You did the right thing, Andrew,” Neil addressed the man lurking near the doorway without turning to look at him. “You saved us.”

“I don’t trust you,” Andrew said.

Neil shrugged. “You probably shouldn’t.”

“Interesting.” Andrew stepped forward into Neil’s space. “A moment of honesty.”

Neil gave no ground even though he was close enough to feel Andrew’s warmth between them.

Andrew fidgeted with something behind his back before pulling out Neil’s mother’s journal and slapping it hard against Neil’s chest. “What is this?” he asked. “Why can’t I read it?”

“It’s in English,” Neil said.

“Teach me to read this...English, and maybe I won’t kill you,” Andrew said.

Neil raised one eyebrow. Andrew held his gaze evenly until Neil nodded slightly. Without another word, Andrew turned and strode from the room, leaving Neil to watch the unfamiliar stars.


	2. somebody shine a light (I'm frozen by the fear in me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Somebody shine a light_   
_I'm frozen by the fear in me_   
_Somebody make me feel alive_   
_And shatter me_   
_So cut me from the line_   
_Dizzy, spinning endlessly_   
_Somebody make me feel alive_   
_And shatter me!_
> 
> -_Shatter Me_ by Lindsey Stirling with Lzzy Hale

Neil’s favourite place on Abby was the observation deck. The last few days had been...eventful, and he had met several new alien species that hadn’t featured in his mother’s stories. This was the place Neil went to be alone. He could stare out at the stars and remind himself that, even though he was constantly surrounded by the same people, that he was letting others know more about him than anyone but his mother had known before, he was still running.

A metallic clatter behind him had him spinning in a panic, heart pounding. He hoped it wasn’t another one of Andrew’s attack English lessons.

“Sorry, I didn’t know anyone else was in here,” Jean said softly.

Neil nodded at him and turned to leave the room.

“Wait,” Jean said. “You don’t need to leave.”

Neil halted and awkwardly turned back to look out the window, not sure if it would be worse to leave or intrude after the invitation. They stood there in silence for a while. Neil was about to take his leave when Jean spoke.

“I like it in here,” he said, “after the cell.”

“How long were you in there?” Neil asked. Jean was silent for a long moment and Neil cringed. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s fine, it’s just not a simple answer. Two cycles in this particular cell. Before that I was Riko...Captain Moriyama’s bodyguard. That was a different sort of prison,” Jean fidgeted, wringing his empty hands. “I didn’t get to see a lot of stars.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Neil asked.

Jean pulled back. “I’m sorry, I…”

“I’m not mad,” Neil said. “I’m just...not usually that person. Was Renee busy?” He laughed half-heartedly.

“You look like a man who understands the value of freedom,” Jean smiled for the first time since Neil had met him.

A beeping noise sounded and Coach appeared in the clamshell. “Sorry to interrupt your bonding moment but a ship has appeared. I think it’s a Peacekeeper Command Carrier.”

A jolt shot through Neil from the roots of his hair to his unsettled feet and the vastness of space suddenly felt far too small.

Dan dashed onto the bridge, Matt on her heels. “How close is it? Is it in pursuit? Why didn’t it show up on our long range scanners?” The others on the ship followed in various levels of haste.

“No, it’s not in pursuit,” Coach said. “The opposite in fact. It appears to be dead in the water. Only minimal signs of life. The engines are cold. It did show up on our scanners but there was nothing to distinguish it from other space debris.”

“Coach, can we board her?” Jean asked.

“Is that wise?” Renee asked, appearing silently at Jean’s side.

Jean flinched away from her at first before squaring his shoulders. “It’s a dead ship. There may be information in her data spools that we can use, star charts perhaps. I know some of you still hope to find your homes again.”

“Jean is right,” Coach confirmed. “I’ve done a more in depth sweep and am confident that this ship is abandoned.”

“I also think we should explore the ship,” Andrew said. “There may be weapons aboard we can use and I need to know whose command that is.”

Seth piloted his hover chair over to the window and gasped in horror. “That is Nevermore,” he said in a hushed whisper.

In less than half an arn, a small group of them were piling into one of Abby’s transport pods for the short space flight to the other ship. Andrew flew the pod and Neil, Matt, and Jean went with him.

“So what is Nevermore anyway?” Neil asked.

“Only one of the most feared Peacekeeper ships in the Armada,” Andrew scoffed. “She went missing in battle over a hundred cycles ago, along with her famous captain, Kengo Moriyama.”

Jean flinched as he heard the name.

“Moriyama?” Neil asked.

“Same family, different branch, although close enough that Riko feels he needs to live up to the reputation. No one knew what happened to him or the ship,” Jean explained.

“Well, they obviously ran into someone bigger and badder,” Neil muttered, shuddering a little as the pod docked at one of the ports on the upper side of the ship.

Renee’s voice crackled over the coms. “There is breathable air past that hatch. Most of the lower decks are depressurized but you should be able to explore the upper decks without issue.”

“Affirmative,” Andrew said.

“Is this a terrible idea?” Neil asked the rest of the pod.

“If you’re too frightened, you can stay here,” Andrew said as he put his hand to the door. 

Matt pulled his pulse pistol out of the holster and spun it around his finger. “Just stick with me,” he winked. 

Neil glared at him but he did feel much safer with the big Interon at his back.

The ship was almost completely silent. The only light was from the flashlights they carried. The air was breathable but thin, suggesting that although the life support systems were somewhat functional, the part that was still working had a lot of ground to cover. The hallway they were travelling down was mostly clear, but Neil jumped nearly a foot in the air when he shone his light around a corner and saw bodies, long dead and unrecognizable from the desiccation of one hundred years in space.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of spirits,” Andrew commented wryly.

“I’m not,” Neil protested. “They’re just...icky.”

Andrew stared suspiciously. “I don’t think that translated correctly.”

“Well how would you describe them then?” Neil asked.

“Death is the natural order of things. We live and then we die to make way for those who come after us,” Andrew carefully stepped over an arm laying in his path. 

“Great, I’m arguing with a guy who got his philosophy from the Lion King,” Neil moaned.

“What the frell is a lion?” Andrew scowled at him.

Neil was saved from answering by a noise from a room up ahead. Andrew signalled them all to turn off their lights and they saw what they had missed, a glow coming from one of the doorways.

They crept silently toward the other room and peered in. A tall Sebacean man, possibly the tallest Sebacean Neil had ever seen, was leaning over one of the consoles and tinkering with something.

Jean gasped, the sound of his breath practically echoing in the still air. The man whirled around, pulling his weapon, and saw them. His face went white. 

“Jean?” he choked out.

Jean had quickly gotten his outburst under control and he simply nodded to the other man. “Kevin.”

“Jean, what are you doing here? Riko said…” Kevin fumbled for the edge of the console to keep himself on his feet.

“Riko said what? That he had a tantrum when something didn’t go his way so he beat me within an inch of my life and shoved me onto a Leviathan prison ship?” Jean asked bitterly.

“He said you were dead,” Kevin whispered. “I didn’t want to believe it was true.”

“Haven’t you learned that lesson yet? Riko lies.” Jean said.

“He said you died protecting him. I always thought he killed you,” Kevin said.

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?” Neil asked.

Kevin seemed to notice Jean’s companions for the first time since they entered. “You’re with Minyard?” he hissed. “Jean, he’s a traitor. If Riko knew…”

“We’re not afraid of Captain Moriyama,” Neil said. Andrew didn’t say anything but he didn’t disagree and Neil figured that was as good as a ringing endorsement.

“You should be,” Kevin said, holding up his bandaged left hand. Neil hadn’t even noticed that he had been cradling it up until that point.

“We don’t have time for this,” Andrew said in disgust. “You’ve been on this ship for longer than we have, now report. Why are you here? Is there anything useful aboard? Are you alone? How long until Moriyama returns for you?”

“Why should I tell you anything, traitor?” Kevin crossed his arms and winced at the pressure on his damaged hand.

“Kevin,” Jean said. “I can’t go back. Riko will just throw me back in prison, or this time he’ll finish the job. I have to find Madeleine, you know that.”

Kevin’s face softened. “I’m here because I needed to be out of Riko’s sight for a while. He’s been...mercurial since you left. Tetsuji hoped that if he separated us for a while, we could resolve things.”

“Resolve things? Why would you want to resolve things?” Jean growled. “Can you even use your hand?”

Kevin’s face shuttered. “It could have been fixed,” he said defensively. “We just couldn’t get to a proper doctor because Riko was on an important mission. It’s only because we waited too long.”

“He denied you medical treatment,” Andrew said flatly. “I didn’t think I could like the guy any less. But you’re still wasting time. Is there anything useful on this ship?”

“It’s mostly been looted. The Sheyang stripped it for parts cycles ago but they weren’t able to take the defense shield. I’m working on disconnecting it now but it’s slow going when I only have one good hand.”

Matt grinned widely. “Well, that I can help you with. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

Andrew scowled at Matt. “We should discuss this…” he began.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Renee’s voice came over the comms. “Abby is docking now. We need Jean back on Abby immediately. A Sheyang ship has hailed us and they will destroy our ship unless they receive a reason not to. They should hopefully respect a Luxan.”

“Renee, no, I don’t want to intimidate anyone,” Jean protested.

“It’s that or we all die,” Allison piped up. “And I have lots of things I want to do before then.”

Andrew nodded. “Renee, can we run?” 

“They’re nearly within firing range already. There is no way to get you all back on Abby and starburst before they begin to fire on us. Our best chance is to negotiate with them.”

“Affirmative. Jean, once Abby has finished docking, head back over there. Kevin, what needs to be done to remove that shield and install it on Abby?” Andrew said. Jean looked hesitant but he hurried back down the corridor toward the transport pod.

Kevin gaped at him. “You want to steal the shield? And you think I’m going to help you?”

“Yes, you are,” Andrew glared. Somehow the fact that his head hovered somewhere around Kevin’s breastbone did not make him any less intimidating. 

“Even with the three of you, it’s at least four arns work,” Kevin protested.

“Well then we better hope that Jean is a good negotiator,” Andrew said grimly.

* * *

Neil rubbed sweat away from his forehead. “Why aren’t you the one crawling under here again? You’re the shortest,” he grumbled at Andrew.

“There is no way my shoulders would fit under there and you know it,” Andrew scowled. “Hurry up. Renee isn’t sure the Sheyang are buying it.”

“I hate to say it, but even I don’t fit under here. I think we need Seth,” Neil grunted as he tried to squeeze himself a few inches further into the conduit. The bolt he was trying to loosen remained a few maddening inches out of reach.

“No,” Andrew said. “He’ll whine and he’ll demand compensation and I don’t want to give up my rations.”

“He’s the only one who can get in here. If we don’t ask him, we’re boned,” Neil said.

“We already have bones,” Andrew said, confused.

“Ugh never mind,” Neil said and stretched again, only to continue to fall short.

“Fine, but come back out here and keep an eye on Kevin. He gives me a woody,” Andrew said, voice low.

“He what?” Neil yelped.

“You know, one of your Erp sayings, he gives you a bad feeling,” Andrew said, glaring at Neil when he slid out of the conduit.

“First of all, the planet is ‘Earth’ and second, the willies,” Neil said, “he gives you the willies. Oh my god.”

“Your English is a ridiculous language,” Andrew said before spinning on his heel and calling Seth on the comms.

About fifteen minutes later, Andrew returned dragging Seth behind him. Seth was spitting furiously. Neil had never seen him so angry.

“You must be completely fahrbot if you think I will stay on this ghost ship,” Seth shouted.

“Under here,” Neil said. “The bolt is farther back than I can reach and I’m not small enough to climb in.”

“Do not shove me in that nasty dirty tube!” Seth complained before Andrew knelt down and pushed him in. He stood there, tickling the Hynerian’s toes with his blade and muttering threats into the conduit.

Neil stood and brushed metal shavings off the front of his flight suit before strolling over to where Kevin was still working over the console. “Are you making any progress?”

“Some,” Kevin replied. “It’s slow going though.”

“Because of your hand?” Neil asked.

“No,” Kevin glared. “Because this technology has spent a hundred cycles in space and it hasn’t been fired up or moved in all that time. Some of these connections are practically welded shut. I’d get your big Interon to do it but he doesn’t have the delicate touch.”

“Is there anything else I can do?” Neil asked.

“You can tell me what you’re doing here and who you are,” Kevin said, looking at Neil with suspicion in his eyes. “Riko went crazy after you showed up. Sure, there was the escaped ship of prisoners and the defection of Minyard, but he kept muttering about you, how he was going to make you pay for everything you’d done.”

“Are you saying your captain’s insanity was my fault?” Neil was horrified.

“Well no, I’ve made plenty of my own mistakes,” Kevin said. “I deserved this.”

“That sounds like a load of horse shit,” Neil said.

“What?” Kevin’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

“Unless you did something truly heinous, there is no way you deserve to have your hand crippled like that. Don’t make excuses for him,” Neil said.

“It’s not like that, really it’s not.” Kevin’s hand shook a little as he worked to disconnect another wire.

“You can come with us,” Neil said. “We have plenty of empty rooms on Abby. You don’t have to go back to him if he’s going to continue hurting you.”

Kevin’s hand stopped moving and he looked down at Neil, a war going on behind his eyes. “I can’t,” he said. “I shouldn’t even be doing this for you. What am I doing? I’m not a traitor.”

“Kevin, I’ve known you for barely any time at all but already I can tell you deserve better,” Neil said.

Kevin shook his head but he continued working on the shield and pointedly ignored Neil.

Neil sighed and wandered back over to where Andrew was still poking at Seth’s leathery feet. “Almost finished?”

“I would be finished already if that monster would stop pricking me,” Seth whined from inside the conduit.

“Andrew,” Neil said, “let him work.”

“What’ll you give me if I do?” Andrew asks.

“What do you want?” Neil countered.

“Absolutely nothing.” Andrew stood and leaned against the wall.

“Please, Andrew?” Neil made as if to step closer but Andrew flinched violently away from him, so he immediately backed off.

“Don’t use that word,” Andrew spat fiercely before marching over to Kevin and loudly asking him what needed to be done next. Neil decided not to make a big deal out of it and crouched down to check on Seth’s progress.

“There, done.” Seth crawled back out of the conduit. “Don’t say I’ve never done you a favour. You owe me for this.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Next planet we stay on, I’ll get you something extra,” he promised.

“No, I want cold, hard currency for the mental trauma you just caused me.” Seth shook his tiny fist in Neil’s face. Neil recoiled from the smell of unwashed flesh mixed with with whatever engine grease had been on the bolts.

“Mental trauma?!” Neil sputtered. “You’ve crawled through smaller darker holes than this to steal from the kitchens. Or do you mean the trauma of being helpful?”

“This was the first ship where I was imprisoned after being overthrown. And no matter how many cycles have passed since my time here, you don’t just forget a madman like Kengo Moriyama.” Seth glared up at Neil and Neil backed away.

“I had no idea, I’m sorry,” he apologized.

“I don’t want your apology,” Seth brushed him off. “The currency will do.”

“Right, I’ll get right on that,” Neil said. 

“Sure you will,” Seth muttered before waddling slowly out of the room.

“Don’t get lost,” Neil shouted after him.

“Frell you,” Seth shouted back.

Matt was on his way back from one of his trips back to Abby with salvaged material. “You, Interon, give me a ride!”

Matt looked questioningly at Neil.

“The next piece isn’t ready to be moved yet,” Neil said.

Matt crouched and looked Seth in the face. “I am not a pack animal. You will not hit me or yell at me to make me go faster.”

“Fine,” Seth said. “But hurry up. I don’t want to spend any more time on this ship if I can help it.”

Hours, and several increasingly frantic hails from Renee, later, they had almost everything transported to Abby.

“It’s just this,” Kevin said, poking at two innocuous looking metal sheets, approximately two square feet and maybe a millimetre thick. “But this is the hardest part.”

“Of course it is,” Neil sighed. “What do I have to do?”

“Andrew, the Sheyang are attempting to board the Nevermore. We need to move fast,” Renee spoke urgently.

“Frell,” Kevin said. “We don’t have enough time. Once I switch this off, these two panels will reverse polarity and attempt to join together. If they touch, everything in this room will be instantly vaporized. We need to carry them and keep them apart. It’s not something we can do while running or fighting.”

“We’ll have to try anyway,” Neil said grimly. “I don’t see what other choice we have.”

“I’ll do it,” Andrew said.

“No,” Neil replied. “I need you to watch my back in case one of those things comes aboard and attacks us.”

Matt’s voice crackled over the comms. “I just dropped the last load off for Dan to set up in the nexus. Give me several microts and I’ll do it.”

“No time,” Neil said.

It was already too late. A strange looking creature with a face like a fish appeared in the doorway, opening his mouth to reveal red glowing in his throat.

Kevin shrieked and slammed the door in its face. A loud thud hit the door and the center began to glow red and radiate heat.

“Do those things spit fire?” Neil shouted. “Why didn’t anyone tell me they spit fire?”

“You have to get out of there. The Sheyang say if you do not vacate their salvage immediately, they will blow up both ships,” Jean’s voice came through the comms.

“Ok Kevin, get ready to run,” Andrew said, pulling out his spare pistol and tossing it to Kevin. 

Kevin opened his mouth as if to refuse but Andrew glared at him and he thought better of it. His right hand curled naturally enough around the weapon. “Neil, grab onto those panels at the bottom and hold on tight. I’m going to cut the power in three...two...one.”

Neil braced himself but it still almost wasn’t enough. His arms screamed at him after only a few seconds but he nodded at Andrew and Kevin and prepared to run.

The door melted and the Sheyang kicked it in. Neil was off like a shot, trusting the other two to cover him as he made his bid for Abby.

He heard gunfire behind him and the same heavy thud that signalled a fireball. One came too close and he could feel the searing heat on his back as he kept sprinting. Just in time, he was through the hatch and onto Abby as Andrew was closing the door behind them.

“The bay doors are strong enough to hold them back for a while but we need to get that shield up,” Kevin panted.

Neil’s arms were shaking and he didn’t know how much longer he could hold the panels apart but he ran with them down to the nexus and placed them where Kevin indicated. He collapsed to the floor as the current activated and kept the panels in their place once more.

“Coach, we’re shielded,” Andrew gasped. “We have to go.”

“We’re still docked to the Nevermore. Something’s wrong. I can’t release it. And the Sheyang are preparing to fire!” Coach yelled.

Andrew and Neil glanced at each other and were both racing back the way they came in an instant.

“This shield better work,” Coach shouted. “Brace for impact!”

Andrew grabbed one of the struts along the hallway but Neil was still searching for something to hold onto when the shock wave hit. He staggered backwards only to be caught and held up by strength and warmth. He looked down and realized that Andrew had caught him and was standing with one hand holding on for dear life and the other wrapped around Neil’s chest. The moment Abby stabilized, Andrew shoved him away and kept running toward the door.

Kevin caught up to them and his longer legs meant he soon pulled ahead.

“Wait,” Coach said. “They’ve given up. They’re running away.”

Neil stopped again, head spinning at as his adrenaline crashed.

“My scanners have registered a Peacekeeper Command Carrier and it’s coming this way,” Coach continued.

Neil turned to look at Kevin. Andrew moved like a viper, slamming into the much taller man and shoving him into the wall with one hand in a vice grip around his neck. “What did you do?” he snarled.

“I called them for help,” Kevin wheezed through his tightening throat. “I knew the Sheyang wouldn’t give up unless we gave them a reason.”

“You sold us out?” Neil said. “I know you don’t know me from Adam, but Jean too?”

“You can still get away. I know Abby can starburst before the Peacekeepers even know she’s here. You just have to hurry.” Kevin’s face was starting to turn purple and he gasped between words.

Andrew threw him to the ground. “Very well; we are going to go and figure out why we can’t unhook from the Nevermore and then you are going in a cell until we figure out if we can trust you.”

“No,” Kevin shouted. “You have to let me go back. If I turn traitor now, Riko will never forgive me.”

“What? You want to go back to that monster?” Neil asked, eyes narrowed. “Why do you give a rat’s ass about his forgiveness?”

“Please,” Kevin asked. “He’s the only family I have.”

Jean dashed into the room, breathing hard. “I heard on the comms,” he gasped. “Kevin, you can’t stay. What if he kills you next time? Come with me. We can keep you safe.”

“And besides, what’s to keep you from telling Riko all about us?” Neil asked. 

“I’ll lie, I promise I will,” Kevin said. “Just let me go.”

“We could put you in a cell,” Jean said, stepping closer.

“I know why Abby can’t get free of the Nevermore,” Kevin said. “I can get her free but it has to be from the other side. You have to leave someone behind anyway.”

“I’m not leaving you behind, not again,” Jean said, panicking.

“I’ll be fine,” Kevin promised. “Riko won’t kill me.”

“I won’t do it,” Jean said. 

“Stop, Jean. We will not hold him against his will,” Andrew said quietly but with authority. “Kevin, you shouldn’t go back. It won’t end well. But I won’t stop you.”

“Thank you, thank you,” Kevin said. 

Soon after, Abby hit starburst and the Nevermore, with Kevin aboard, disappeared behind them in the distance.


	3. take my hand (I'll drown you with me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _It was a cold, cold day_  
When things fell apart  
It was a sad, sad thing  
There is ice on my heart  
You think a person needs to be broken  
So that's what you do  
You think it's all right to be cruel  
It's so human of you  
Drag me down, underwater  
I can't breath, no one saves me  
Drag me down, into sorrow  
Take my hand, I'll drown you with me 
> 
> -_So Human of You_ by Shireen

Neil sneezed for what felt like the thousandth time. He wiped his dripping nose on his sleeve in absence of anything resembling Kleenex and struggled to focus bleary eyes on Matt and Dan.

“If you just follow this rotation then everyone will take turns doing each of the necessary tasks to keep the ship running smoothly and there will be no need to fight over whose turn it is,” Dan finished, removing the sheet with a flourish to show the team a board with all their names inscribed on the left hand edge and a list of chores across the top.

“You made us a goddamn chore wheel?” Neil groaned.

“I have an objection,” Seth spoke up.

“Of frelling course you do,” Allison grumbled.

“Look at this human. He is leaking bodily fluids. Yet the first task you have for him on there is food preparation,” Seth whined. “I’m not eating anything if this drelk has touched it.”

“Maybe we don’t want to eat anything you’ve touched either,” Aaron glowered over at him. 

“I’d be happy to do nothing but cooking,” Nicky piped up. “I missed having a kitchen of my own.”

“Do you want to live in a drannit den?” Dan exploded. “I don’t care if you switch so long as all of these things get done. Abby is a living creature not a dren heap.”

Neil’s eyes felt like they were about to boil out of his skull and the room spun around him. He felt cool skin at his forehead and opened his eyes to see Andrew’s arm. He opened his mouth to ask why Andrew was invading his space when he realized he had actually fallen over and everyone in the room was staring at him with varying levels of concern.

“I’m fine,” Neil said into Andrew’s bicep. He tried to push himself up but his arms shook like jello and it was much easier to stay there.

“Nonsense,” Renee said, “you should really be in bed.”

“I’ll take him,” Matt said. Seconds later, Neil was in his arms.

“I c’n walk,” Neil slurred.

“Sure you can,” Matt chuckled. “Climb down right now and I’ll let you walk.”

Neil tried to push himself up with limp spaghetti arms but soon had to concede defeat.

He barely remembered reaching the bed. For a long time after that, life happened in scattered and disjointed moments. Nicky tried to feed him something salty and warm that came right back up. Renee attempted to make him drink a foul herbal concoction but it went the way of the broth. Others sat by his bed and he wasn’t sure if they were actually there or if he was imagining them. He saw Allison, Dan, and flashes of a white-faced Andrew, but he also saw his mother, his Uncle Stuart, and when the demons in his brain grew too big, he saw the half forgotten nightmare from his childhood and he remembered the pain.

He wasn’t sure how long it took but when he woke up feeling like a beaten and wrung out but lucid version of himself again, Andrew was there, sitting in silence, flipping his gleaming silver knife up in the air and catching it.

Neil tried to speak but his throat was sore and scratchy. Andrew heard him anyway and the knife disappeared somewhere back into Andrew’s uniform.

“You’re awake,” he said, face flat.

“Why are you here?” Neil finally managed to speak.

“Someone had to make sure your brain didn’t boil inside your skull. I don’t think you can stand to lose any more neurons.” Andrew’s face still didn’t change and Neil wondered exactly what was going on in his mind.

“Well, thank you,” Neil smiled and felt strangely fond.

Andrew’s face stayed the same but the tips of his ears turned a dull red. “I’m going to go tell Nicky you’re awake. He’s been beside himself.”

“Andrew wait,” Neil said, but the Peacekeeper had already disappeared through the door and down the hallway.

Neil sat up and at first he thought he was still dizzy from his illness. It took him a moment to realize the pitching of the hallway was because of Abby’s flying. He wrapped himself up in the gold blanket on his bed and staggered out the door to find out what was happening.

It took him far too long to get to the bridge because he had to drag himself along the sides of the hall and Abby’s choppy flying wasn’t helping. At one point, he was very tempted to give up and go back but he was already halfway there and it would take too much effort to turn around.

He was the last one to reach the bridge. Almost everyone was holding on for dear life. Renee stood by the console swaying like a plant in a light breeze and seemingly otherwise unfazed by the turbulence. Nobody noticed him when he walked in.

“What’s going on,” Neil tried to shout but it came out barely above his normal speaking volume. He winced as the effort tore knives through his throat.

“Neil,” Matt grinned widely at him. “You’re awake! What are you doing up?”

Abby gave a violent wobble and Neil lost his grip on the strut he was grasping and started to tumble across the room. Matt grabbed him with one strong arm around the waist and pulled him in tight to his side. Normally Neil would complain about being manhandled like that but Matt was warm and he was starting to shiver despite the blanket and it was getting harder and harder to remain on his feet.

“Something is going on with starburst,” Matt explained. “We’re not sure yet but Abby is having trouble maintaining a steady course and so we’re having trouble remaining in interdimensional space.”

Moments later, they dropped back into regular space with a clunk.

“We seem to have hit something,” Coach said.

“What is it, Wymack?” Renee asked.

“I think it’s another ship,” Coach replied. “They’ve lost all propulsion. I am drawing them into our docking web. If we can bring them aboard, perhaps we can repair their ship before sending them on their way.”

“We don’t have any idea who they are,” Seth argued. “What if they betray us to the Peacekeepers?”

“Abby and I are not in the habit of leaving people to die,” Coach said firmly. “But if you must, go down to the maintenance bay and greet them.”

Andrew checked his weapon and strode out of the room. Jean followed soon after. Renee declined to follow but Allison, Seth, and Dan also headed in that direction.

“Hold on,” Matt said, hoisting Neil up into his arms again. “Let me take you back to your room.”

“No,” Neil protested. “Take me down there. I need to be there.”

Matt looked dubious but Neil insisted.

“Alright, if you can make it there on your own power, you can come down to the maintenance bay,” Matt said, setting Neil down on his feet.

It was an exercise in will as Neil shakily made his way through the hallways, legs threatening to buckle beneath him but he shot a triumphant look at Matt when they stood outside the door together.

The unidentified ship was sparking and Neil could see the visible damage from scraping up against Abby’s hull. Only one new person stood in the maintenance bay. He was dressed in unremarkable robes. His hair was long and pure white and a hideous scar distorted one side of his face and blinded him in one eye.

And Seth was launching himself off his hover chair toward this new stranger. “It’s him! It’s Kengo!”

Andrew caught him before he reached the man and held him tight. “This can’t be Kengo Moriyama,” he said, giving Seth a vicious shake. “Kengo Moriyama died in space over a hundred cycles ago.”

“The Hynerian is correct,” the man said. “I am indeed Kengo Moriyama. That is my name but that is not the man I am now. Do we have permission to board?” he addressed Andrew. “My handler waits within, along with a dangerous prisoner we are transporting back to Nebari Prime for mental cleansing.”

Allison spat on the ground,. “Mental cleansing, more like frelling brainwashing. What’s this one’s crime, daring to think for themself?”

“I am not at liberty to discuss the criminal history of our prisoner but I do urge you to keep a wide berth.” Kengo inclined his head slightly.

“We are willing to help you in your unfortunate circumstances and are willing to aid you in getting your ship running again,” Renee interjected, placing her hand on Allison’s arm just above her elbow. “Jean will show your handler and prisoner to a comfortable cell where they can wait until the necessary repairs are completed.”

Kengo bowed. “It is a pleasure to meet one so wise,” he murmured. He turned around and nodded toward the ship. 

Two men strode down the gangplank, both of them obviously the same species as Allison. Their skin and clothes were shades of black, white, and grey. The taller man had black hair and two metal circles implanted into the skin of his forehead and had an expressionless face. The shorter man followed behind him, hair white as snow, darker grey dots scattered like freckles over the bridge of his nose and cheeks, his hands bound with cuffs and a heavy looking collar around his neck.

Neil could see the evidence of tears on the prisoner’s face but he still stood up and faced them with a smile on his face.

“My name is Herrera. Show me to the cell,” the dark haired man spoke.

“And I’m Jeremy,” the prisoner said, continuing to put on a smile. Neil could see the tremble in his lips.

“No one cares,” Herrera barked, touching his fingers briefly to the metal circles on his temple. Jeremy jerked and whimpered, the smile dropping off his face.

Neil’s eyes narrowed. “What’s that?” he asked.

Herrera face took on a hint of annoyance, first in his direction and then at Kengo. “Did you not warn them to ask no questions?”

Kengo bowed, face calm. “Of course I did. Some of them must be slow to listen and understand.”

Herrera nodded, satisfied. “Show me to the cell,” he said. 

Jean stepped forward. “Follow me,” he said gruffly, carefully looking only at Herrera and not the prisoner.

Neil turned to follow them himself but his knees buckled and Matt caught him again. Andrew turned to them, cold fury in his eyes. “What are you doing here? You are in no shape to be out of bed.”

Neil shrugged. “I wanted to know what was going on.”

“It does not concern you,” Andrew said. “Now go lie down before your fever comes back. I have no desire to be a childminder.”

“Aw, Andrew, are you concerned about me?” Neil teased, already feeling better being able to lean on Matt’s strength and be off his feet.

“Of course not. I am concerned about the waste of medical resources if you prolong your recovery. If you’re not planning to cooperate, tell me now and we’ll space you to avoid the expense,” Andrew sneered at him. 

Matt rolled his eyes and turned to go, tripping over a rough part of the floor. Andrew was instantly there steadying them both.

“Don’t drop him,” he said to Matt.

“I’ll be more careful,” Matt promised.

Neil drifted off as he swayed gently in Matt’s arms. He woke briefly as they reached his bed. Andrew was there again, helping him drink another herbal remedy. This time it thankfully stayed down.

“Sleep, Neil,” Andrew said, oddly gentle. “You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

Neil drifted off into the darkness.

* * *

Andrew was right, Neil did feel much better upon waking, enough to bathe and wash off the sweat of sickness.

Someone had even laundered his spare set of clothes so he was able to put on something clean. He finished getting ready and wandered out into the hallway, wondering where everyone was.

He didn’t see a single soul in the hallways but there was an odd sluggishness to the sound of Abby’s engines and every once in a while, a minor jerk, as if the ship was convulsing in the air. He happened upon the prisoner before he found anyone else from his crew.

Jeremy was reaching out between the bars of his cell. “Do you know how to open this cell?” he pleaded.

“I do,” Neil said warily.

“Please, you need to help me. You can’t let them take me back there,” Jeremy said.

“I’m not just going to release a dangerous criminal,” Neil said. “Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“I’m not sure what an idiot is,” Jeremy said, “but I think there is kindness in your eyes. I don’t think you would leave me to my fate.”

Neil snorted at that. “I’ve never been called kind before,” he said, trying to remain firm but also giving in a little bit to the sense he had that something felt off. “Why have you been imprisoned?”

“The Nebari think most emotion is weakness. They prize intellect and reason over feeling. They think I feel too much and they want to take that away,” Jeremy said, tears standing in the corners of his eyes.

Neil thought of Allison, a creature of emotion and appetite, and the look of skepticism must have shown on his face.

“They want to do to me what they did to Kengo!” Jeremy explained. “They locked him up in stasis for a hundred cycles and when he came out he was stripped of everything from his former life. Granted for him it was his sadistic cruelty, but they want to destroy the person I am and turn me into another unfeeling clone.”

“Look, I want to believe you, I really do,” Neil said, “but how do I know you aren’t lying to me?”

“You don’t,” Jeremy said. “But I trust you to do the right thing.”

Neil wanted to do exactly what Jeremy asked; there was something about the sincerity in his eyes that just felt so refreshingly real, especially after the way he had grown up, never being able to trust that a hand up wouldn’t turn to a knife in his back the moment he looked away. But his natural suspicion took over because this could be why this prisoner was so dangerous.

“I’ll need time,” Neil finally said, wanting to reconsider the moment he saw Jeremy’s face fall. “I just need to find out the other side of the story. There are people here who I am coming to care about and I will not jeopardize their safety.”

Jeremy nodded, sad but satisfied. “I would do the same,” he said.

Neil turned to head toward the bridge, running into Jean as he carried a bowl of food.

“It’s for the prisoner,” Jean said, face turning a little blue.

“Okay,” Neil said slowly. “Have you seen everyone?”

“They’re all in the bridge discussing what to do about Abby’s illness,” Jean said.

“Abby’s ILLNESS??!!” Neil shouted. 

Jean winced at the volume. “It seems she may have caught your cold.” 

“That’s possible?” Neil was flabbergasted.

“I also was not aware,” Coach’s voice came over the comms. 

Neil could feel his heart beating faster. “What about everyone else?” he whispered. “Have I turned this place into a plague ship? Am I about to destroy all life in the galaxy?”

“Of course not,” Jean scoffed. “Our immune systems are much better than a Human’s. Renee cooked up an immune booster just in case but we’re all fine, no sign of pathogens in our blood.”

“Then why did Abby…?” Neil asked.

“Ah yes, that, we kind of forgot?” Jean said. “There are so many factors that must be in place for a Leviathan to suffer from the illnesses of a smaller life form. We just figured she was safe.”

“Is she going to be alright?” Neil asked.

Jean looked uncomfortable and shrugged. “Leviathans are very strong and the illness didn’t kill you. I’m reasonably certain she’ll be fine but until she is healthy again, we will be unable to starburst.”

“Is everyone really mad?” Neil asked.

“Not everyone,” Jean replied honestly. “Seth is, and Aaron has been yelling a lot, but mostly we’ve just been worried about you.”

That was a complete surprise to Neil. It happened so seldom that he barely knew how to deal with someone else’s worry. He could feel his face heating as he stood there. “Um...you said everyone is gathering on the bridge?” he finally asked.

“Yes, go and I’ll meet you there when I have finished with the prisoner,” Jean nodded and strode down the hallway.

Walking through the door onto the bridge was like walking into a thick cloud. Tension filled the room and Neil stopped a mere step inside the doorway.

Seth was shouting at the top of his lungs. As Neil watched, he raised his hover chair and spit in Kengo’s face. “I don’t care about your frelling ship. I will not have that man on ours. He is evil to the core and we shall all be slaughtered in our beds if we don’t remove him from Abby at once.” 

He lunged forward as if to bodily attack Kengo. Andrew stepped forward and nonchalantly pulled him off his chair and tucked him under his arm, apparently unconcerned as Seth clawed and bit at him, trying to get down.

Allison had been lurking in the shadows but she stepped forward. “I’m with Seth. I want nothing to do with this man,” she hissed.

“Another abomination,” Herrera mused. “How fascinating. There is plenty of room if you wish to send this one along as well. I know how trying an uncleansed Nebari can be.”

“Frell you,” Allison screeched, throwing herself at Herrera.

Matt and Dan stepped in front of her, Matt looking like it physically pained him to lay hands on her but he stood strong.

“We have no intention of sacrificing any member of our crew,” Dan bared her teeth at him, ice in her tone.

“You cannot mean to say that you would keep her as she is,” Herrera raised his eyebrows. 

“Dan is correct,” Renee interjected smoothly. “You have no claim on any member of our crew and when your ship arrives, you will get on it with only those you have brought aboard.”

Neil shivered at the danger in her voice.

Herrera attempted to stare her down but after a few minutes, he had to break her gaze. He squared his shoulders but the effect was lost since he wouldn’t look Renee in the eye. “Kengo, return to our ship and see what repairs we can make before our people arrive. I will go and see to the prisoner. I do not trust Abby and her crew to do what is necessary.”

Everyone in the room bristled at that but Kengo and Herrera turned their backs and left the room.

Seth finally stopped struggling. Andrew held him for a few more seconds before setting him down and following Kengo to the maintenance bay.

Allison’s face was in a perpetual scowl but she too was released. She caught Seth’s eye in a meaningful glance that Neil was sure he wasn’t meant to notice, and she left the room too.

* * *

Neil was in the kitchen, shakily spooning some kind of soup broth into his mouth when he felt it. It was like Abby’s sneeze but louder and more violent and Neil was glad he had taken so long to eat the soup because it was now cold and didn’t burn him when he spilled it all over his shirt.

“Explosion in the maintenance bay,” Coach called over the comms.

Neil gasped and was on his feet running before the echo in the air died away. He was not the first on the scene. Andrew was already there, fire extinguisher in hand. He had a few small cuts on his hands but he looked otherwise okay. It seems the copious amount of black leather he wore was good for something. The DRDs had rushed in to remove shrapnel from the hull and reinforce the areas where it had landed.

Renee was there too, pressing a quickly reddening cloth to a deep cut on Kengo’s forehead. Nicky dashed in a few steps behind him, hair wet, clothes clinging to damp skin, and if Neil looked closely, silver mottled skin on his cheekbones and temples that hadn’t been visible before.

Nicky noticed him looking, squealed, and pulled his shirt up over his head, exposing the same silver shading his abdomen.

“Nicky, put your shirt down,” Andrew said. “You look ridiculous and you’re not successfully hiding anything.”

Nicky’s sheepish face popped back out of his shirt, the red blush only making the silver on his face stand out more.

Neil turned back to Andrew, more important things on his mind than Nicky’s alien skin condition. “What happened?”

Andrew nonchalantly inclined his head toward the corner. What Neil had initially taken for a pile of rope was instead a heavily bound and gagged Seth. “That frelling worm decided it was a good idea to set off a bomb in the maintenance bay.”

Seth squirmed and bit right through the gag. “And I was right to do it! He tried to strangle me! I saw the murder in his eyes! He is not as safe as they pretend.”

“I apologize, Seth, for the sins of my past. I can not pretend they did not matter, but I have changed. I am no longer that monster.” Kengo bowed low. He looked sincere but Neil felt that something was off.

“Frell you!” Seth shouted, biting at his bonds and trying to wriggle free.

Andrew picked him up, face still carefully blank, and shook him. “We. Do. Not. Set. Off. Bombs. Inside. Abby.”

Seth spat in Andrew’s face. Andrew’s face hardened but he did not react otherwise. He tucked Seth under his arm and strode out of the maintenance bay, not being particularly careful about avoiding doorways and walls on the way.

Renee pulled the cloth away from Kengo’s head and smoothed a salve over it that she took from a jar carried somewhere in her robes. “I’ve stopped the bleeding. It’s quite shallow and should not require further attention. If you see signs of infection, please come see me and I will treat it.”

“Thank you, you have been most helpful,” Kengo nodded to her.

“Neil, do you feel well enough to watch him? I have a few questions I wish to ask of Herrera.” Renee stood and came toward Neil, placing the back of her hand on his forehead to check his temperature.

“I’m fine,” Neil replied, unsure which warring instinct was winning out, the desire to lean in and savour her kind touch or the need to pull away and put distance between himself and everyone else.

“Yes, so you’ve said, and in much more dire situations than this,” Renee laughed lightly.

“I can stand and I don’t see that changing any time soon,” Neil scowled at her. “Happy?”

“Yes, of course,” she stroked his cheek gently and left the room. Neil stood alone with Kengo at his side.

“Again, I do apologize for whatever sins I may have committed in the past. I know they were grievous and I understand full well that the dominar may be traumatized from his experiences.” Kengo bowed again.

Neil didn’t stop himself from scowling. “It’s very convenient, isn’t it? You spend 100 cycles being turned into another person and then what, you’re no longer responsible for the things you’ve done? It’s a fucked up way to gain absolution.”

“I do not understand what you mean. Fucked...up?” Kengo’s implacable face showed the slightest wrinkle at the brow.

“Frelled up, whatever,” Neil said. “It doesn’t matter who you are now, you still did those things. Don’t you want to make things right?”

“There is nothing to make right. The man who did those things was not me,” Kengo explained like he was speaking to a very small child.

Neil had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that had nothing to do with his lingering illness. Everything about Kengo just felt wrong. He opened his mouth to ask more questions when a crackle sounded through his comms.

“Did Herrera move the prisoner?” Andrew asked.

“He says he did not,” Renee said.

“Anyone else? Matt, Dan, Jean?” Andrew continued.

“He’s escaped?” Herrera’s snarling voice was picked up in the background of one of the comms.

“His cell is empty,” Andrew confirmed.

“I want you all to sound off where you are,” Matt broke in. “We’ll need to search the ship. Could he have gotten into the maintenance bay to steal a ship?”

“I’m here with Kengo and I haven’t seen him,” Neil said.

“I’m on the observation deck with Herrera,” Renee said. “We would have seen him if he came up here.”

“I’m by the cells and he was gone when I arrived,” Andrew said.

“I’m in the kitchen,” Nicky interrupted. “Nothing here.”

“I am in my room, minding my own business and I have absolutely no intention of getting involved,” Allison said loftily.

“The DRD’s did not see him leave his cell,” Coach said. “I highly doubt he will be visible to any of you. I will have them search the ventilation ducts. I expect that is where we will find him.”

“He isn’t worth it,” Herrera said coldly. “If you would allow me to connect to your comm frequency, it would increase my range and I could use the collar to stop his heart. He will be easy enough to find and dispose of then.”

A chorus of angry shouts came through the comm speakers. Neil found himself joining them. Every moment that passed was making him wish more and more that he had set Jeremy free when he had the chance.

“Very well, I will have to walk the halls myself and find him,” Herrera said calmly.

Neil made his way to the door of the maintenance bay. A flash of movement in the corner of his eye made him whirl around but he wasn’t fast enough to keep the tool from colliding with the side of his head and sending him into darkness.

* * *

Neil woke to chaos. 

“I found the body in the hallway outside the cells,” Andrew was saying.

“Whose? Did Herrera kill Jeremy?” Neil croaked.

“What? No? I just said I found Herrera’s body? Are you completely fahrbot?” Andrew asked.

Neil put a shaking hand up to his head. It came away stained red. “Uh...no? Kengo...Kengo hit me.”

“Neil? Are you okay? Where are you?” Matt demanded. “Stay right there and I will come carry you to the medbay.”

“I don’t need you to carry me,” Neil protested. “I’ll be fine. But we should probably find Kengo. Something’s wrong. He shouldn’t have been able to hurt me.”

“I told you it didn’t work,” Seth interrupted. “But does anyone ever listen to me?”

“We would have listened to you if you hadn’t blown up the frelling maintenance bay,” Allison yelled. Neil winced as her shrill voice cut through his brain like a knife.

A startled sound came from Coach, cutting them all off.

“Seth was both right and wrong,” Kengo’s voice broke through. “I was completely docile, the Nebari’s trained animal. But that explosion broke through my conditioning and I feel like myself again. Now listen carefully. If you do not hinder my escape, I have no reason to end your lives. I am in your pilot’s den. If you do not fight me and allow me to starburst away from the Nebari ship, I will not kill you and I will even drop you off on an inhabitable planet.”

Angry voices began yelling all at once. Neil clapped his hands over his ears to protect his aching head. A lithe figure dropped from the ventilation shaft right in front of him, startling him into a shout. His head pounded and he shut his eyes tight, trying to make it feel less like it was about to roll right off.

Finally he looked up again. He expected Jeremy to have tried to run off with one of the ships but he still stood in front of Neil, looking awkward.

“Can I trust you?” Jeremy blurted out.

“What?” Neil asked.

“Are you my ally or my enemy?” Jeremy brandished a knife but Neil could tell he didn’t actually want to do anything with it.

Andrew burst through the door, face as calm as ever but sweat at his temples and breathing hard from running.

“Drop the knife,” he said coldly, pulling out his pulse pistol and aiming it squarely at Jeremy.

“Don’t,” Neil said, stepping in between Andrew and Jeremy. “He won’t hurt me.”

“He has a knife,” Andrew said.

“I wasn’t going to use it,” Jeremy said, scandalized at the very idea. 

“You shouldn’t carry it if you aren’t prepared to use it,” Andrew strode forward, pushed past Neil, and ripped the knife from Jeremy’s hand.

Jeremy backed away, palms raised. “I can help. I have an idea.”

Andrew stepped closer to him. Jeremy shrunk back even though he had at least 9 inches on Andrew. “It better be good,” Andrew growled.

“We just need to get him down here again and onto his ship,” Jeremy said. “The moment he’s on there we can get Abby to open the door and flush him out into space and he can drift until the Nebari arrive.”

“Why wouldn’t they come after you?” Neil asked.

“They’ll be too busy figuring out how Kengo broke their mind cleansing to worry about an escaped prisoner,” Jeremy said. “I already checked the ship and unfastened the restraints.”

Neil squinted at him but that frustrating sincerity was still plastered all over Jeremy’s face. He opened his mouth to ask more questions but Andrew was already looking around and assessing. 

“How are you planning to open the doors? There is no manual override in here, not when we’re in a vacuum. Coach is the only one who can do it and we can’t notify him of our plan without alerting Kengo,” Andrew glared.

“I can get through the vents to the pilot’s den. Once you’ve convinced Kengo to leave, I can get in and tell Coach,” Jeremy explained.

“It’s not the worst plan I’ve ever heard,” Andrew’s forehead relaxed and he gave Jeremy a curt nod. “But Neil is going with you.”

“What?” Neil protested. “No, what if you need help down here?”

“I’m not giving this criminal full run of our ship. And besides, if you faint on me in the middle of a fight you’ll frell up the whole thing,” Andrew glared at him.

Neil hated everything about it but eventually he nodded. He was about to boost Jeremy into the lowest vent opening when the ship geared up for starburst. For a second, Neil thought Abby was going to make it but moments before the shift, the ship wobbled and the building energy dissipated.

Kengo’s voice came through the comms again. “I don’t know who has managed to keep your ship from going into starburst but they are killing all of you. If you do not restore starburst in the next 30 microts, I will seal off the pilot’s den and vent all the atmosphere from this ship. Ask your dominar if I would feel any regret from this course of action.”

“This Leviathan is pregnant,” Andrew shouted. “She cannot starburst without great danger to herself and her baby.”

Neil mouthed, “what the fuck,” at Andrew.

“Follow my lead,” Andrew mouthed back, gesturing at Neil to climb into the vents.

“You’re accommodating,” Kengo chuckled wickedly. “I will force your pilot to cut off the nutrient flows to the womb and that will terminate the pregnancy.”

“It won’t work,” Andrew said. “That will take many arns, perhaps even solar days. The Nebari ship will arrive long before Abby is prepared to starburst.”

The vents were dark and hot and Neil was worried he might throw up over Jeremy’s feet. Andrew’s voice, even tinny and staticky through the comms, had a grounding effect on him.

“And I suppose you have a better solution?” Kengo growled.

“In fact, I do. I worked on a pregnant Leviathan before and we ended up in a situation much like this one where we had to choose between starburst and death. If you fire a controlled blast in the right place from the maintenance bay, it will force Abby into forcefully terminating her pregnancy without damaging her propulsion or any other systems,” Andrew said. Neil shivered at the cold note in his voice.

“And why can’t you just do this yourself? I saw a Peacekeeper prowler in the maintenance bay right alongside our ship. Surely the firepower would be enough…” Kengo said.

“The fuel cells that power the guns on my prowler were long ago repurposed for other more vital systems aboard Abby. And I cannot use your ship because I cannot get through the door,” Andrew said, sounding irritated.

Ahead of him, Jeremy paused, holding up a hand. “We can’t get any closer until Kengo leaves,” he said. “If he sees or hears us, he’ll know it’s a trap.”

“And so you’re asking me to trust you,” Kengo laughed harshly.

“Yes,” Andrew said. “Because you and I have something in common. We’ve chosen to live and frell the costs.”

Jeremy turned to look at Neil and Neil could just make out the concern on his face in the dim light. “Can WE trust Andrew?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” Neil said. “This is the only play we have.”

Kengo was silent for a long moment. “I would advise the rest of you to think very carefully right now. You also cannot run unless I fix this. The Nebari will take all of you in for cleansing for the death of Herrera. It is in your best interest not to interfere.”

Jeremy waited a long excruciating moment before sliding carefully forward. Neil moved to follow him. Jeremy gestured at him to wait as he moved up enough to peer through a grate into Coach’s den. Neil watched Jeremy’s shoulders relax as the Nebari gestured to him again and Neil helped lower him down from the grate. 

Coach was woozy and his eyes were unfocused. He didn’t react to Jeremy but he roused himself when Neil jumped down in front of him.

“Coach, we have a plan,” Neil explained quickly. “When Andrew gives the word, you need to open the doors to space.”

“I...my...head,” Coach groaned.

“Can you do it?” Neil asked.

Coach’s arms moved slowly but he managed to raise them to the control panel.

“Not yet, Coach,” Neil said. “When Andrew gives the signal.”

Neil wasn’t sure how long it took. He listened for Kengo’s voice on the comms, the ship gearing up to fire, an explosion, anything. What he got was Andrew’s emotionless voice once more.

“It is done,” he said. “Open the doors.”

Coach moved painfully but he managed to push the correct button. Neil wasn’t sure what he expected but he felt nothing here in the center of the ship.

A minute or two later, Andrew spoke again, rather breathless but no less emotionless. “Close the doors.

Neil tried to get back down to the maintenance bay to check on Andrew but the moment he stepped outside of Coach’s den, he and Jeremy were swarmed. Dan cuffed Jeremy while Matt fussed over Neil’s head wound and once again offered his services as a pack mule. Jean stood off at the side, face still faintly blue. Maybe he was sick?

Renee strode past them all into Coach’s den to check on him and Allison, keeping her head high so she didn’t have to look anyone in the eye, followed her. Seth had somehow gotten free and was badgering everyone about how he had been right and they should have listened to him all along.

Aaron and Nicky were nowhere to be found but Neil didn’t care. The crowd was big enough and overwhelming enough without them. Neil got fed up quickly and finally managed to sneak away.

Andrew was no longer in the maintenance bay. Neil hesitated when he found the empty room, wondering if he should look for Andrew in his room. Andrew probably wouldn’t appreciate it but Neil had this weird energy filling his body and he knew he wouldn’t be able to sit down and rest until he had set eyes on Andrew.

The door was open and Neil stood in the doorway, not wanting to enter without Andrew’s permission. Andrew’s back was to Neil and he was leaning over a basin and scrubbing furiously.

“Andrew,” Neil said.

Andrew whirled around, red tinged water flying off his fingertips. “What the frell are you doing in here?” he hissed.

“I wanted to make sure you weren’t hurt,” Neil made to take a step forward but Andrew stepped back to keep the same amount of distance between them. Neil stopped but he gestured toward Andrew. “Is that blood?”

Andrew shrugged. “It’s not mine,” he said.

“I thought the plan was to leave him alive for the Nebari,” Neil said.

“I’m not in the habit of leaving enemies alive to take revenge,” Andrew shrugged.

“That story you told about the pregnant Leviathan...” Neil trailed off.

Andrew shrugged again but this one looked more practiced. “I was a soldier,” he said. “I followed orders. Still think I can be better?”

“You just saved all our lives,” Neil started.

“I saved my own life,” Andrew cut him off.

Neil smiled softly. “Of course you did.”

“Get out,” Andrew said, turning his back and going back to washing his hands.

“One more question,” Neil said. “When Kengo hit me, how long was I out?”

Andrew stiffened but then relaxed when Neil’s question wasn’t personal. “After I left the room, it was no more than a quarter arn so probably not long. Why?”

Neil nodded. “Oh just hoping my brain didn’t get too scrambled,” he said flippantly.

“Too late,” Andrew said, his back still to Neil.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Neil said softly, leaving Andrew’s room and going off to lay another suspicion to rest.

Neil found the Nebari up on the observation deck. “I was hoping I would find you alone,” he said.

A turn, a raised eyebrow, and a practiced laugh. “Did you? Were you looking for me?”

“I was. Something wasn’t adding up, you see. Kengo was with me in the maintenance bay and Andrew was already searching the cells. There is no way he could have left, gotten ahead of Andrew, killed Herrera, and gotten away clean. But someone killed him, someone on this ship.” Neil stepped a little closer.

“Is that so?” 

“Yes, and see, for all the criminals on this ship, very few of them are actually killers,” Neil pressed.

Black eyes stayed expressionless while colorless lips quirked into a humorless smile. “And I was your first choice? Neil, that’s not very nice.”

“I’m not going to say anything,” Neil promised. “You deserve your second chance as much as any of us. And with the awful things he’s done to your people, his own people, I don’t blame you in the slightest.”

“Thank you.”

Neil shrugged. “Don’t do it again. I will not protect you a second time. And I know there are others on this ship that you don’t want to disappoint.” He waited for a nod before he turned and left. Allison remained behind, tears long dry on her cheeks, and she watched the stars.


	4. honestly (truth and I are never one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I sense deception to come._   
_Honestly, truth and I are never one._   
_'Cause I am the lying man_   
_and I have made you my next victim._   
_I need you to see through my act,_   
_to tell me I'm wrong, to take off the mask,_   
_or else I'll be left in the lie._   
_I'll deceive my way straight to demise._   
_'Cause I'm not in a right state of mind._   
_I just wish I had strength to admit it._   
_My stubbornness will put up a fight,_   
_but I don't deserve to win it._   
_I'm left in the dark pondering my mistakes,_   
_but in the light I swear I will_   
_deny it all._
> 
> -_Liar_ by the Arcadian Wild

“Neil, please report to the observation deck. I think you need to see this.” Coach’s voice came over the comms. Neil dropped his fork, leaving a couple food cubes on his plate.

“Aren’t you going to finish those?” Seth asked, already reaching across the table to grab Neil’s plate.

Neil shuddered as he tried to swallow down the grit in his mouth from the last bite he had taken. If there was anything he missed about Earth, it was the food. “Knock yourself out.”

When he reached the observation deck, he stopped in his tracks, mouth open wide. A huge wormhole was open before them and through the tunnel he could catch glimpses of a familiar green and blue planet.

“Oh,” Neil said.

“I thought perhaps you would be more excited,” Coach said. “Is that not your home?”

“Yes, of course I’m excited. I do miss Earth,” Neil said. “But I didn’t exactly leave under the best circumstances. I’m not actually sure of my welcome.”

“There was a transmission we managed to pick up. Would you like to hear it?” Coach asked.

Neil’s head whipped around and he nodded emphatically.

A recording of a man’s voice came out of the speaker and Neil felt himself deflate. Of course it wasn’t her. She was dead. He had held her as she died. He had watched her body burn.

“A message for Abram. Here, I opened wide the door, darkness there and nothing more.” The voice repeated the message over and over.

Neil recognized his Uncle Stuart’s voice. He recognized the code, too. Stuart wanted him to come home. It wasn’t safe. It was never really safe, but at least there was no immediate danger.

“Coach, does the wormhole seem stable?” Neil asked.

“Remarkably so,” Coach replied.

Neil sighed, torn between going and staying. On the one hand, it sounded like his uncle needed his help but on the other hand, when he left Earth he had intended to keep running and never look back.

“Will you wait for me?” Neil asked. “If I leave and visit Earth will you fly off and leave me or will you wait for me to return?”

“You do not wish to stay on your home planet?” Coach asked, shocked. “Why not?”

“I want to come back,” Neil said, sidestepping Coach’s actual question. “Will I still have that chance?”

Coach was silent for a moment. “Abby says that this is your home until you decide otherwise. If you go down to the planet, we will wait for you.”

Neil heaved a sigh of relief. “Thank you. I will take my module down. No one needs to come with me; I won’t be gone for long. I’ll try to get a message to you if I cannot return so please don’t follow me.”

“If that is what you wish,” Coach said. “Will you leave right away?”

Neil nodded. “I don’t know how long that wormhole will remain stable. I’ll go and come back as quickly as I can.”

* * *

There was no way to be subtle when bringing a ship in from space and Neil knew that no matter where he landed, he was going to be swarmed by authorities the moment he touched down. He broadcasted his uncle’s clearance number once he entered the upper atmosphere, hoping that would be enough to keep him from getting shot out of the sky.

He knew that Stuart would get all pissy about the grass but that didn’t stop him from setting down on the lawn of his uncle’s Hertfordshire estate. He rolled his eyes as he was swarmed by estate staff and a few police officers. He refused to speak until he saw his uncle approaching.

“You called?” he asked.

“My boy,” his uncle dropped his fancy cane to the ground and pulled Neil into a suffocating hug. “I have so much to ask you.”

Neil glared pointedly at the crowd gathering around them. “I think we could find a place with fewer ears.”

Stuart sighed. “How could I have forgotten that you inherited your mother’s paranoia?” He walked a few steps away and Neil saw some paper change hands with one of the cops and then that same cop ushered everyone who didn’t belong there off the grounds while Stuart dismissed his servants to return to their duties.

“What do you want?” Neil asked the moment they were alone.

“Can’t I simply look forward to a visit from my favourite nephew?” Stuart draped a casual arm across Neil’s shoulders.

Neil endured it for a count of five before shrugging away his uncle’s embrace. “Right, you called me down here because you missed me.”

“Well, you succeeded,” Stuart began.

“I told you before, my mother’s research is dangerous. I’m not going to share it with you. Besides, I know nothing more than I did when I left. Certain gravitational and solar conditions can cause a wormhole to open but I have no control over it. I can’t predict them. I can’t find any others than the one mo...Mary discovered by accident twenty years ago. I can’t give you the secret to intergalactic travel because I have no idea how to navigate once I’m inside. I definitely cannot give you the weapon you want. I wouldn’t know how to begin. I was running. Nothing more.”

“You must have learned something. How far did you travel? Did you land on any planets? Did you meet any alien species?” Stuart grinned and something about it rubbed Neil the wrong way.

“What is the date today?” he asked.

“It’s September 16, 2005,” Stuart said.

“Wormholes exist in both space and time. I went through the wormhole. It closed. Fifteen minutes later it opened again and I heard your message that it was safe. I didn’t have time to go anywhere or see anything,” Neil said, carefully making eye contact to project sincerity.

“Nothing?” Stuart asked, disappointed.

“Nothing,” Neil said firmly. “But six months passed down here? I wondered how you managed to solve my problem so quickly.”

“The ships that were chasing you attempted to land again. Most of them crashed into the ocean. One of them landed intact but when we opened it there was nothing inside, alien or human, just a strange viscous liquid that had destroyed the technology inside,” Stuart explained.

“Is that all?’ Neil said. “I want to try again, see if I can actually go somewhere this time. I would not have returned but it seemed as if you needed me.”

“You must stay the night,” Stuart insisted. “I’ll make your old room up. We can order in your favourite burger from that place you like.”

“Arnold’s American Diner?” Neil asked, feeling persuaded in spite of himself.

“Of course,” Stuart chuckled.

Neil looked back at his module. Surely a little more time couldn’t hurt. He had brought his comms with him and Coach would signal him if the wormhole suddenly became less stable. He nodded and followed his uncle into the house.

It would be a while before supper was ready so Neil went to the bathroom to freshen up. He had missed proper showers and toilets and he spent far longer than he planned under the hot water.

Once his hair was dry and he was dressed in fresh clothes, he wandered to the library to amuse himself until supper was ready. He went through the magazine rack first, noticing Stuart had apparently stopped his subscriptions after Neil had left. Every single one of the magazines there was dated before the day he left. He had already seen every cover. He went to the shelves then, pulling down a book at random. After a few minutes he realized he had read it before. He pulled down another and another, both books he remembered. He had obviously done more reading in Stuart’s library than he thought. Before he could get up on the higher shelves, Stuart called him for supper. He shook off his unease and went down the hall to the dining room.

He was in the middle of his meal when an alarm went off.

“It seems we have more visitors,” Stuart said mildly. “Shall I set a few more places at the table?”

Neil glared at his uncle. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“I’m assuming your alien friends will also be hungry,” Stuart smirked.

“You knew?” Neil asked.

“I’m not an idiot, my boy, even though you persist in treating me so. But no, I didn’t know. I suspected, but now you have confirmed.” Stuart stood. “Let’s go make sure your friends get a proper welcome.”

Neil hurried past his uncle toward the garden, blood turning to ice when he saw what he had feared. One of Abby’s transport pods had landed beside his module and Andrew had already stepped out onto the grass, Jean and Seth behind him.

“I told you not to follow me,” Neil said in a low voice when he reached Andrew.

“And trust that you wouldn’t get into trouble the moment you left my sight? You should know better than that.” Andrew’s mouth flattened as he saw more people surrounding them. “Tell your friends that if they put down their weapons, I will have no need to use mine.”

Neil whirled to face his uncle and the security team flanking him. “Don’t shoot,” he said. “They’re friendly.”

He could hear Andrew snort at the idea of being described as friendly but no one fired and soon they all were being escorted toward the house.

“Why did you follow me?” Neil asked in a low voice.

“You think I trust you to stay out of trouble?” Andrew raised his eyebrow.

“Point taken,” Neil said. “But why Jean? And especially why Seth?”

“Jean apparently likes you for some reason and he would have taken the pod and gone off on his own. And Seth, well he was annoying everyone on Abby and they practically begged me to give them a break,” Andrew replied.

“I can hear you,” Seth protested. “Can’t I just be worried about a friend?”

“I wasn’t worried,” Andrew argued.

“Aw Seth, I’m your friend?” Neil teased.

“I think he was more interested in new people to swindle out of their valuables,” Jean spoke. “Tip him upside down and see how much stolen property falls out.”

“Keep talking like that and I won’t share,” Seth sniffed.

Stuart led them into the basement. Neil shivered in the cool air. He had never liked this part of his uncle’s house. He had only been here once, a long time ago.

“These will be your rooms for the duration of your stay,” Stuart said, gesturing to three iron doors.

“We will not be imprisoned,” Andrew growled.

Stuart raised his eyebrow and turned to Neil, as if expecting him to take his side.

“They shouldn’t be locked up,” Neil said. “They’re safe. They won’t hurt us unless provoked.”

Stuart gave them all a considering look before nodding slightly to his men. They acted quickly, snatching Andrew’s pulse pistol and Jean’s blade before shoving the three of them through the doors. Lights came on in the room revealing that there was a large pane of glass for observation beside every door.

“You can’t do this!” Neil shouted. “They don’t deserve to be locked up! Let them go!”

“My nephew is very tired,” Stuart said to the man on his right. “See to it that he gets a good night’s sleep, won’t you?”

Neil turned to run but it was too late. He felt a pin prick in his neck and then the world went away.

* * *

His mouth felt sour when he woke. At first he relaxed into the softness of the bed but then he remembered the events from before he had been drugged and he was up and out of bed in an instant. It was still pitch dark outside and Neil had no way of knowing if it had been a few hours or an entire day since he had been drugged. Whoever had carried him to bed thankfully hadn’t bothered to undress him other than removing his shoes so it didn’t take him more than a few seconds before he was ready to leave. He tried the door first, but it was locked. He didn’t make a fuss because he would prefer if nobody knew he was awake. He was on the third floor of the house so they hadn’t bothered to lock his window, a mistake Neil was going to take full advantage of.

He took his shoes back off, tied the laces together and hung them around his neck before climbing out the window and feeling for one of the many rough stones jutting out from the wall. Rather than heading to the ground, he pulled himself along the side of the building, hoping they had been similarly relaxed about other third floor windows. He had no luck with the first and second windows he tried but the third was housekeeping supplies and it was open to air out gaseous chemicals. From there it was a matter of silently creeping to the basement to find his friends.

The first and second cells were empty but the third had a pissed off Andrew staring at the mirrored glass like he knew there was someone on the other side of it. He was red in the face and sweating profusely. Neil made short work of the lock.

Andrew exploded past him, knocking him to the ground the moment the door was open a crack. He slowed and then stopped, tense shoulders relaxing a little as his brain registered that Neil wasn’t an enemy. He took a deep breath of relief and Neil realized that the room Andrew had been kept in was significantly warmer than the chill of the rest of the basement.

“Are you alright?” Neil asked.

“I will be. Sebaceans don’t do particularly well in temperatures above optimum and your uncle apparently wanted to roast me alive.”

Neil studied Andrew closely. His hands trembled slightly and he was still taking overly deep breaths but the red was already fading from his face. Neil decided he didn’t need to worry.

“Where are Seth and Jean?” Neil whispered, looking through the windows into their rooms for any clues to their whereabouts.

“Dead by now,” Andrew said flatly. “Seth was sick in the night. I could hear him yelling for help. When they took him, they said they were going to see what made him tick. And Jean, he fought hard. They punished him for that. I could hear him choking when they dragged him off. He said goodbye.”

Neil wanted to be sick. “I told you not to follow me,” he hissed.

“I expected the Humans would be a little more like you,” Andrew said. “They’re monsters.”

Neil opened his mouth to protest, but he had seen so many monsters already, he couldn’t quite argue.

“We have to go,” Andrew said.

“No, we have to get them out.” Neil protested.

“They’re gone,” Andrew said. There is nothing we can do. Maybe we can go back to the ship and gather reinforcements. But the two of us, we have to run. I thought you might prefer that. You seem to spend a lot of time running.”

“But…” Neil could feel himself weakening.

“We need to get out of here before anyone notices I’ve escaped,” Andrew said. “We won’t leave the planet until we know for sure.”

Neil nodded. He knew nothing about the basement of his uncle’s estate and it was only pure luck that they hadn’t managed to trigger any security alarms. Neil didn’t dare take them out the front door so he climbed the stairs to the second floor to find a window they could climb out of before slipping into the night.

They tried the transport pod first but the place they had landed was surrounded by bright lights and at least a dozen people in lab coats climbing over the outside. Who knows how many more were inside? Andrew tensed beside him and prepared to attack but Neil put out a hand to stop him.

“They’re innocents,” Neil whispered.

Andrew hesitated but nodded. “We need to find somewhere to hide.”

Neil made them run for a while, Andrew panting but not complaining behind him, before daring to hail a cab. Something bugged him about the cab driver, a weird familiarity that he couldn’t place. He mentally ran through every one of his uncle’s associates that he knew and couldn’t place him. Eventually he decided the man just had one of those faces.

In any case, he had him drop them off over a mile from their destination and led Andrew through the darkness in back alleys, retracing their steps and doubling back to confuse any trail. He left Andrew standing in the shadow of a bush as he crept toward the dilapidated door he remembered.

The room smelled stale and untouched. The various security features he had left around the room, the straw in the lock, the coin on the lightswitch, all were also untouched and Neil could feel reasonably sure that no one had discovered this safe house since he and his mother had vacated it over eight months before.

He opened the door and gestured for Andrew to join him. Then he checked all the curtains at all the windows to make sure the blackout covers were still sealed before lighting the lantern in the kitchen.

“What sort of primitive light source is this?” Andrew snorted. “Do Humans not have electricity?”

“Most do but it isn’t free,” Neil explained. “It would be suspicious if we were paying to light and heat a vacant house.”

“Can’t your uncle find us here?” Andrew asked.

Neil shrugged. “Mom didn’t trust anyone, not even her own brother. We stayed here whenever we visited and he knew enough not to try to find us.”

Andrew nodded and settled down on the bed in the corner of the room. “I want to know what’s going on,” he said seriously.

“What do you mean?” Neil deflected.

“You uncle wasn’t surprised to see us. He was curious, fascinated even, but not surprised. And although most of his men did not, he understood us when we spoke so either he has been exposed to alien languages enough that he has achieved some fluency or he has been injected with translator microbes.” Andrew glared at him. “Which is it?”

Neil dropped down onto the bed beside Andrew, being careful not to sit too close. “What do you want from me?” he asked.

“Just the truth. I know you are hiding something. I knew from the moment I saw you that you had secrets. I didn’t force them out of you because I knew your enemies were far away. But now we’re here and I’m in danger too; I need to know more,” Andrew said, holding Neil’s gaze so he couldn’t look away.

Neil was still reluctant. “Seems a little unfair,” he chuckled nervously.

“Fine,” Andrew said. “A truth for a truth. You ask me a question and I’ll ask you one.”

Neil hesitated still but nodded once.

“You can go first,” Andrew said.

“Oh,” Neil said, expecting the interrogation to start immediately. “Um...where were you born?” he asked lamely, not able to come up with anything else on the spot.

“On a planet called Prybella,” Andrew replied.

“Was it a military hospital?” Neil asked.

Andrew shook his head and scowled. “Clinic in a small farming community. But you only get one question at a time. Why does your uncle understand us?”

“You were right,” Neil said. “He has been injected with translator microbes. When did you start training to be a Peacekeeper?”

“I was given to the army at birth as part of their foster program and started training the moment I could walk.”

Neil winced but Andrew was still speaking.

“Who injected him?”

“My mother,” Neil answered. “Did you ...like training?”

“I didn’t know anything different,” Andrew said. “How did you mother get them?”

“From my father,” Neil said, still volunteering nothing that Andrew hadn’t explicitly asked.

Andrew rolled his eyes but didn’t press him for more information.

“Your brother isn’t a Peacekeeper,” Neil blurted out.

“Is there a question in there somewhere?” Andrew asked.

“Was your brother also trained as a Peacekeeper?” Neil replied.

“No,” Andrew said. At Neil’s pained look he added a little more information. “Our mother kept him and raised him. She didn’t do the same for me. How did your father get them?”

“He’s from...out there,” Neil said.

“Interesting,” Andrew said. “Did he do the same thing you did and travel through a wormhole from earth? Or is he one of us?”

Neil’s breath came quicker in his throat. He opened his mouth and nearly choked on the words. “You first,” he gasped.

“You didn’t ask me a question,” Andrew said, his eyes boring into Neil’s.

“Anything,” Neil said, pulling his knees up and dropping his head down between them. “Tell me something true.”

Silence stretched between them, broken only by Neil’s rasping breaths. Andrew shifted, bringing his legs up onto the bed and turning to face Neil. He crossed his legs and stared forward. Neil looked up and subconsciously mirrored his position. Their knees were only a hairs breadth apart, so close he could feel the warmth of Andrew’s skin.

“I’ve never had a home,” Andrew said, voice soft in the quiet air. “The new recruits would come for training, whining about the mothers, fathers, siblings they left behind and I despised them for their weakness.” He paused, fierce pride sharpening the lines of his face. Neil was tempted to reach out his hand to see if touching him would draw blood. He said nothing, seeing the weight of words unsaid in those golden eyes.

“When I go for supplies in my prowler and I return and see Abby hanging there in space, the light shining on her golden skin, sometimes I understand why the children wept.” Andrew glared, daring Neil to say something, to call him weak.

Neil reached up toward his left eye and removed the colour contact. Andrew didn’t react but Neil knew what he saw, right eye blue, human, left eye red, reptilian. “My father came through a wormhole with two other aliens and wrecked his ship on earth. My mother was a scientist and she sheltered them in exchange for his knowledge of space travel and his help with wormhole research.”

“Where is he…?” Andrew began.

“He’s dead,” Neil snapped viciously. “He was a brutal, violent man.” Neil pulled up the hem of his shirt, just enough for Andrew to see a few of the scars distorting his skin. Andrew did not remain passive when he saw them. He drew in a sharp breath and made one aborted movement to touch them. Neil reached out slowly, giving Andrew every chance to pull away and grasped his wrist, pulling Andrew’s hand toward himself and placing it on the scars. Andrew traced the ones he could see before stretching out his hand and placing it flat on Neil’s abdomen, discovering new scars that Neil had not exposed.

“When I was ten, she had him run an experiment for her but she rigged the fuel tank to drain after he entered the wormhole, leaving him trapped inside,” Neil whispered. “She managed to kill Malcolm, one of his lieutenants but she couldn’t keep the other, Lola, from stealing another ship and running. He must have had allies on the other side because Lola sent them after us. Just a few at a time; their ships were not enough to protect them from the wormhole, but we had to keep running, outwitting them long enough for the effects of the wormhole travel to catch up to them and for them to liquefy.”

Andrew’s eyes grew alarmed. “I won’t…”

Neil laughed, hating the note of hysteria he couldn’t quite hide. “No, Leviathans are resistant to the effects, and the transport pods they carry are related technology. If you went through too often you might feel a little sick but there will be no tissue decay.”

Andrew sighed in relief. “And your mother?” he asked.

“Dead too. You can only run for so long. That’s when I decided to leave earth. Increase the size of the playing field and maybe I could slow down, just a little,” Neil said. He closed his eyes, feeling all hollowed out now that he had spoken it out loud. A wave of exhaustion flooded him and he felt himself begin to sway where he sat.

Andrew stood and pressed on Neil’s shoulder until he lay back. “Sleep, Neil. I’ll keep watch.”

Neil did.

* * *

Neil felt surprisingly rested when he woke up. He turned over to see Andrew. He had changed his clothes after Neil had fallen asleep and was carefully studying an old comic book that Neil had left behind when he was younger.

“Do people on your earth really dress up in these ridiculous costumes to fight each other?” Andrew asked when he noticed Neil was awake. “It seems ridiculously inefficient, even if they do have superpowers.”

Neil laughed, surprising himself at the light sound when he was in such a bad situation. “No, it’s all fiction. Good and evil aren’t usually so easy to pin down.”

“What about the...Jocker? Is he based on a real person?” Andrew squinted at the page.

“It’s the Joker,” Neil replied. “And no, he’s not real either.”

“English is ridiculous. One letter should make one sound. Why do they change all the time?” Andrew scowled.

Neil laughed again. “It could be worse. You could be learning French.” Neil stood and wrote the word _l’eau_ in the dust on the window frame. “That is the French word for water. It’s pronounced ‘lo.’”

Andrew glared at Neil. “You’re frelling with me.”

“I’m not kidding,” Neil said. “That’s really how they say it.”

“How do Humans learn even one Earth language?” Andrew groaned.

Neil shrugged and looked around the room. He could see light coming in around the curtains and he knew they couldn’t stay much longer. “We need to get my ship back.”

“Shouldn’t we wait for dark?” Andrew asked.

Neil shook his head. “I know my uncle. He’ll want to get the ship underground as soon as possible. He might not have managed to move it yet. Or we’ll be able to find something there that we can use to get into space and hail Abby to pick us up.”

Andrew nodded and stood.

Neil burst out laughing. “What the fuck are you wearing?”

Andrew looked down at himself and shrugged. He had obviously been rummaging through the clothes Neil and his mother had left behind. The jeans were Neil’s from when he was about sixteen and the length was about right but Andrew’s ass and thighs looked like they were about to burst right through the worn denim. The shirt was Mary’s. It was black with a plunging neckline and the entire thing was sheer. Neil thought maybe Stuart had bought it for her to wear to a party he was throwing but she refused all social engagements when they were visiting and it had most likely never been worn. Mary dressed to blend in and this was a shirt for making a statement.

“I like it,” Andrew said. “It’s airy and doesn’t restrict my movement.”

“Yes but you’re really going to stand out if you’re walking around in that,” Neil said, unable to drag his eyes away from the way it emphasized Andrew’s broad chest. He forced himself to turn and hunt through the box of old clothes until he found one of his old baggy t-shirts. “Here.”

Andrew frowned but switched shirts quickly. He held the black shirt over the box and hesitated.

“Do you want to keep it?” Neil asked.

Andrew nodded and Neil hunted around until he found his old backpack. Andrew folded the shirt and put it in the bottom. He hesitated for another second and added the comic book as well.

It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. Neil knew all the back ways so they didn’t see very many people. Town square was busy enough that Neil felt comfortable blending in with the crowd instead of going out of their way. A familiar flash of blonde hair in the sunlight put him on edge. He slowed, grabbing Andrew’s wrist, and pulled them into the shadow of one of the buildings.

The girl ahead of them turned and impossibly, Neil recognized her. She didn’t live in England. She was from Arizona and she had been the first girl he ever kissed. And then he looked harder and the paranoia he had been trying to suppress flared to life. There was the beggar he had passed every morning on his way to school in Montreal. That was the little old lady who gave him cookies in exchange for yardwork in Stuttgart. The cabbie from the night before had been his tenth grade math teacher from Boulder. And the magazine seller was their landlord in Paris. Neil’s breath caught when he took a closer look at the magazines and realized he had seen them all before. Every single one of them was backdated from before he went missing. There wasn’t a current issue in sight.

Andrew looked concerned. Neil could feel the world fading out around him as his breath came faster and faster. A warm hand on the back of his neck grounded him in the present and shook him out of his panic spiral but he still didn’t know what was going on.

“I know them, all of them. I’ve been to every one of these places. I’ve seen every person, every piece of paper. Nothing is new,” Neil gasped.

“Neil, you’re not making sense,” Andrew said.

“I’ve been here before,” he shouted. “I’ve been in the safe house. I’ve been at my uncle’s. I’ve been in this square. I’ve explored every inch of this little town. I was put here on purpose. They stole it out of my mind.”

“Neil,” Andrew said. “This is real. We’re on your planet.”

“No, something’s wrong. It shouldn’t be like this,” he walked over to a nearby bar and pushed his way inside. “Everything is exactly as I remember it. The smell of the food. The two guys playing pool. That Exy game on the TV is from a year ago. I’ve been…” The bathrooms caught the corner of Neil’s eye. “I’ve never been in there.”

Neil walked over to the door of the women’s bathroom and opened it. White light and empty space greeted him. There was nothing beyond the door.

“I knew it,” Neil said weakly. “This isn’t real.”

“Neil,” Uncle Stuart’s voice broke through his horror.

Neil whirled around. “You aren’t my uncle,” he snarled.

Andrew pulled his weapon and came to stand at Neil’s side, eyes like flint.

Stuart sighed. “No, I’m not.” The town square wavered around them and Neil was alone, standing in the midst of an alien ship.

“Where is Andrew? What did you do with him?” Neil snarled, leaping at the alien standing before him, still in the disguise of Neil’s uncle.

“He’s safe. I wouldn’t hurt him,” Stuart said, gracefully avoiding Neil’s attack.

“What about the rest of my friends? Seth? Jean?” Neil asked. “Are they...dead?”

“Of course not, we are a peaceful race. We have no intention of harming you.” Stuart smiled. It looked wrong on his normally stern face.

“Then why do this? Why capture me and my friends? Why make me think they were gone?” Neil shouted.

“My people have been without a home world for a long time. Invaders came and we were forced to flee. We have been searching for a planet that will shelter us and so when we discovered you exploring the wormholes, we decided to find out if Earth could be that planet,” Stuart explained.

“You have wormhole knowledge. Why not just go there and find out?” Neil asked.

“We have been traveling for a long time. We can sustain ourselves in space for many cycles in stasis, but we only have the energy for one more trip. If we go to your Earth and we are not welcome, we will have no choice but to die there,” Stuart replied.

“Couldn’t you just ask me?” Neil said. “Why this?”

“We needed a real human reaction, someone who knew Earth and its people. We needed to know if it would be safe for our children there,” Stuart said, gesturing to the ceiling above them. Neil looked up and realized there were hundreds of softly glowing pods with vaguely insect like creatures floating inside.

“I’m not exactly the best example of a real human,” Neil said bitterly. “I’ve spent a lot of time seeing the worst humanity has to offer.”

“There were good people in your mind too, people who tried to help you. If Earth was full of people like that, we would have no problems setting course for earth right now,” Stuart said.

“But,” Neil interrupted him, “there are people who crave power and so many of them gain it by exploiting the weak.”

“Yes, we saw that too,” Stuart admitted. “That is why we intend to keep looking for a home. We will not be going to Earth.”

“Then it was all for nothing,” Neil glared.

“Not for nothing. We learned much from you. We like you. Perhaps we will meet again one day,” Stuart said, the smile coming a little more naturally this time.

Neil nodded. He took a breath and then he was back inside his module as if he had never left it. The first thing he did was hit his radio. “Andrew? Seth? Jean? Are you there?”

There was a moment of static and Neil’s heart climbed into his throat but then he heard Andrew’s voice cracking through the comms. “All present and accounted for.”

Neil’s head flopped over onto his hands and he laughed in relief.

“Have you gone completely fahrbot over there?” Seth asked. “None of this is funny. I was bored. Me! I’m not allowed to get bored.”

“That’s the worst of it?” Neil asked. “You got a little bored?”

“I get this sense you aren’t taking this seriously, Neil. I don’t feel boredom, I’m royalty.” Seth’s voice cut off in a squawk as the sound of someone being smacked came through the speakers.

Neil still didn’t feel quite settled until he had landed back in Abby’s cargo bay and he could see the others climbing out of the transport pod.

Seth ran off immediately muttering about food. Jean stayed behind to clasp him by the forearm and give him a nod before following Seth. Andrew and Neil were alone.

“Do you remember everything that happened?” Neil asked. “What I told you?”

“I remember what you told me about your father. I remember everything up until you figured out it wasn’t real and then disappeared,” Andrew replied.

“Do you want to…” Neil’s voice trailed off.

“What? Talk? Like we’re children on a play date? No, I don’t think we need to discuss anything further,” Andrew dismissed him.

“Will you…?”

“Tell them? No. That’s your secret. You choose what to tell and when,” Andrew said firmly.

Neil heaved a sigh of relief. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Of course I’m not frelling okay,” Andrew half yelled. “Notice anything missing?”

Neil looked him up and down and then shrugged.

“They didn’t let me keep the frelling shirt!”


	5. are all those bridges now old stone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Is it too late to come on home_   
_ Are all those bridges now old stone_   
_ Is it too late to come on home_   
_ Can the city forgive, I hear its sad song_
> 
> _Long & Lost_ by Florence and the Machine
> 
> * * *
> 
> In which Neil meets Nicky's family to unfortunately predictable and devastating results.

Things felt a little different after Neil’s return from Not Earth. Neil still preferred to spend time away from the rest of the crew but more often than not Andrew would join him on the observation deck. They spent most of their time in silence. Sometimes they exchanged truths. More often they didn’t need to.

Neil had found it difficult to keep track of time but it had been approximately two weeks of uneventful travel when Nicky cornered him in the hallway.

“Neil,” Nicky began before stopping with his mouth slightly open.

“Yes?” Neil asked.

“I have a favour to ask you.” Nicky wrung his hands together and didn’t look Neil in the eye.

“I’m not going to make any promises until you tell me what it is,” Neil prompted him.

“Right. Well it’s this. I haven’t seen my parents in years. We didn’t exactly part on the best terms.” Nicky stopped and bit his lip.

“Okay,” Neil said. “Was there a favour somewhere in there?”

“Well they sent me a message. They want to see me. They miss me and they want me to come visit for a meal. The Holiday of Eidol Sol is coming up and they want me to be present,” Nicky said in a rush.

“I still don’t see what this has to do with me,” Neil said.

“Well they want Andrew and Aaron to come too.” Nicky hunched his shoulders and peered at Neil through his lashes. “And I thought that since you and Andrew are, well I think you’re friends now, maybe if you asked him, he would consider it.”

“Nicky...” Neil paused to choose his words carefully. “Don’t you think the timing is maybe a little suspicious? That you would receive a message from them shortly after escaping the Peacekeepers where they ask you to bring your fugitive cousins to them?”

“They aren’t asking for anyone else, just the three of us. It’s a holiday that families spend together. It was always a tradition growing up.” Tears glistened in Nicky’s eyes.

Neil reluctantly pushed the next words out. “It has to be a trap.”

“Will you ask him?” Nicky asked.

Neil sighed. “I’ll talk to him about it but I make no promises about the outcome.”

“Thank you!” Nicky squealed and threw his arms out for a hug Neil really didn’t want.

“Touch me and I’ll change my mind,” Neil growled.

Nicky backed off immediately, hands raised. “Thank you,” he said again.

* * *

“It has to be a trap,” Andrew said the moment Neil stopped speaking.

“I know,” Neil nodded.

“And even if it wasn’t, I’ve heard stories about his parents from Aaron. They’re both nightmares. They’re from some sort of purity cult. Sebaceans are the highest life forms and all other species should strive to be like them.” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“You don’t believe Sebaceans are superior?” Neil asked, eyes wide in mock surprise.

Andrew glared at him. “Not like this. They push their beliefs on everyone. Not only do they believe that Sebaceans are superior, they believe that they should turn everyone into Sebaceans. They kidnap people from other planets and force them to go through genetic cleansing, which is a fancy way of saying they transform their DNA into Sebacean DNA. Nicky’s mother was Kalish. Nicky’s father ‘rescued’ her and turned her into a meek, submissive Sebacean woman. But something went wrong when she was pregnant with Nicky. He came out looking half Kalish and completely resistant to their genetic treatment.”

“That’s why he has the…” Neil gestured to his temples.

“Yeah, Kalish traits. And then he had the audacity to not only reveal that he was exclusively attracted to men, but he started dating another Kalish man. His parents haven’t spoken to him since.” Andrew shook his head.

“What about this Eidol Sol? Does that make a difference?” Neil asked.

“It is their most sacred holiday and it is a great sin to practice violence on such a day. They would have to be really desperate to desecrate the day,” Andrew mused.

“So you’ll go?” Neil asked.

Andrew sighed. “That’s not what I said.”

“But you’ll go,” Neil nodded, satisfied.

“If you come with us. I’m not facing this without at least one ally,” Andrew scowled at him.

“We’re allies now?” Neil grinned.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Andrew growled. “You’re only slightly less objectionable than my cousin and my twin. Now leave me alone before I get sick of your face and change my mind.”

Neil grinned a little wider and went to tell Nicky. This time he didn’t manage to avoid the hug.

* * *

The planet Nicky’s parents lived on was very beautiful, with many big, luxurious plants. The houses or, more accurately, estates, were separated by at least a mile of impeccably maintained gardens. The Hemmick home was gilded with a type of purple metal that Nicky assured him was very rare and very valuable.

Neil didn’t leave his pulse pistol in the transport pod. He didn’t care if it was rude to show up armed. He was not going in there defenseless.

“Nicky, darling,” Maria Hemmick trilled lightly. She was a very beautiful woman. Her hair was dark and hung all the way to her waist; the only suggestion of her Kalish heritage were the rebellious curls at her hairline that resisted whatever straightening tool she had used on them. “It is so lovely to see you.”

“Mama,” Nicky said, dissolving into a rush of tears. He stepped toward her, ready to wrap his arms around her. She put both hands on his shoulders and held him a foot away before leaning in and kissing the air beside his cheeks. She released him and moved on before he could get any closer to her. She did the same to Andrew and Aaron before nodding to Neil and putting her hands behind her back while stepping away like he was some dirty thing that would soil her by making contact.

Neil decided not to take it personally.

Luther Hemmick was worse. He didn’t even acknowledge Neil’s presence. He exchanged cursory nods with his son and shook hands with his nephews. Neil did not like the smile that was on Luther’s face at all when he looked at Andrew.

“Dinner will be ready shortly,” Luther said. “Please take your time freshening up. I will show you to your rooms.” He led them up a flight of stairs to a hallway with three doors. “Nicky, you are in the first room, Aaron, the second, and Andrew, you will be in the third.” 

Luther seemed to notice Neil for the first time. “If I had known you were bringing a guest, I would have made ready another room. I hope your ship has some comfort.”

“He’ll stay in here,” Andrew said. “There is room enough for two.”

Luther’s lip curled but he did not argue, simply swept down the stairs with a flourish of his rich, black robe.

Neil followed Andrew into the bedroom. It was bigger than any hotel room he had ever entered and was even more opulent than Uncle Stuart’s most ostentatious home. The bed was huge and had no less than fifteen giant pillows and what looked like silk sheets. Abstract art in lurid shades of green and purple lined the walls and other statement pieces sat on pedestals. Neil looked closer at the two poles that flanked the doorway. They reminded him of the spindles from the staircase in a home he had lived in for a while when he was fourteen. But these were much taller and once again coated in that same purple metal.

“Do you regret tagging along yet?” Andrew sneered.

Neil shrugged. “I figure since I talked you into it, I shouldn’t complain about sharing in the misery.”

“So you’ll keep your mouth shut then?” Andrew smirked.

“Only if I find I have nothing to say,” Neil winked.

Andrew’s cheeks flushed a little. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

The bell rang shortly for dinner and the four of them met in the hallway. Nicky tried to smile bravely but it was obviously forced.

Five place settings, edged with the same purple metal from elsewhere in the home, decorated the table. Luther directed them to their seats.

“Oh dear,” Maria giggled lightly. “I seem to have forgotten our extra guest once again. I shall ring the kitchen and have them bring out an extra plate. It’s a pity you won’t be able to match, dear.”

Neil’s eyebrows shot up. “You live in a house like this and you can only afford five matching place settings?”

Nicky dropped his head in his hands and Andrew stifled a noise that sounded suspiciously like a snort. Aaron shot him a glare but Neil just smirked back at him.

Maria glared. “They can’t just be removed from the cupboard and then used,” she said, scandalized. “They are kept in a climate controlled clean room when they are not in use. We need to bring them out three days in advance so they can adjust to the full force of our planet’s gravity and a fresh coating needs to be applied to keep you from ingesting the metal. Honestly, pulling out another plate, the very idea!”

A few moments later, a chair and much plainer plate were set up in the empty space on the right side of the table. Andrew stepped forward and sat down. “I’ll take this one,” he said.

Maria stepped forward and looked at the place setting that was meant to be Andrew’s. “Oh dear, this plate is smudged. That simply will not do. I’ll just have to switch it with another from the kitchen.”

Neil shrugged. “A plate is a plate.”

“Honestly Nicky, I don’t know how you can handle having such uncouth friends,” Maria said when they were all settled.

Neil poked at the unfamiliar food on his plate. The portions were very small but when he put his fork to his mouth, he was pleasantly surprised to discover it was delicious. His growling stomach wished his portion consisted of more than two bites.

“I like him,” Nicky said quietly.

“He’s not another of those types of friends is he?” Maria asked. “I did so hope you would have found a nice Sebacean girl by now,”

Nicky’s face fell. “No, I have not,” he muttered.

“What have I told you about muttering?” Luther asked, pounding his fist on the table and making the cutlery and the guests jump.

“I’m sorry, sir,” Nicky enunciated clearly. “I am not currently seeing any girl, Sebacean or otherwise.”

A light at Luther’s wrist flashed. “Andrew, will you join me for a moment. I have something I need to show you.”

Andrew nodded and pushed back his chair to stand. Neil started to follow him but he was interrupted, “Neil, dear, you must be hungry, look at how quickly you demolished your supper. Let me ring for another serving,” Maria said in the friendliest tone he had heard from her thus far.

Neil looked at Andrew and Andrew’s eyes said to stand down. Neil gratefully listened to his stomach and waited for more food.

Perhaps ten minutes later, Luther returned to the table without Andrew.

“Where is Andrew?” Neil asked, standing.

“I’m sure he’ll be back shortly,” Luther dismissed him. “Sit down. It’s almost time for dessert.”

“I don’t think I will,” Neil said. “Where is he?”

“He doesn’t want to see you right now.” There was a note in Luther’s voice that Neil didn’t understand and definitely didn’t like.

“I’d rather hear that from him,” Neil said. “Did he go back to his room?”

“We invited one of his old friends, his old commanding officer when he was still in the lower ranks. They’ll want some time to catch up.” Luther said.

“Is it Drake?” Aaron asked, fear nakedly apparent in his voice.

Luther didn’t speak but there was confirmation in his eyes.

Neil didn’t know who Drake was but Aaron was on his feet so he didn’t wait for an explanation before he was running up the stairs.

Neil got there first. He threw the door open and then froze in indecision. Andrew was there, on his stomach on the bed, pants ripped open and tangled around his knees, blood on his thighs, hands in a white knuckled grip on the headboard and, when he turned to look at Neil, a frightening blankness behind his eyes. A large blond Peacekeeper had him pinned to the bed and his uniform was similarly disarrayed.

When the door opened, the Peacekeeper moved quickly. He grabbed Andrew by the waist and rolled off the bed, Andrew held in front of him like a shield, knife in hand and digging into Andrew’s hip. Neil had his pulse pistol out in seconds but his hands were shaking with rage and he wasn’t sure he had the shot.

“Ah yes, I wondered when the rest of you were going to show up. Riko send his regards.” The man grinned.

“Drake,” Aaron hissed as he entered behind Neil. 

“The twin,” Drake’s grin grew wider. He shook Andrew a little, digging the knife in and drawing blood. “I think when I’m done with you, I might give him a try. Tell me, is he also pretty when he cries?”

Anger dropped over Andrew’s features like a mask and he went wild in Drake’s arms, fighting with his elbows, feet, and even the back of his head. Drake slid the knife home, stabbing above Andrew’s hip and angling upward.

Aaron took advantage of the distraction and grabbed one of the poles by the door. He swung it with an incoherent yell and caught Drake directly in the temple. Blood sprayed everywhere and Drake dropped like a stone, dragging Andrew down with him.

Aaron darted forward and dragged his brother away from Drake, manhandling him into a seated position on the bed.

Andrew looked drunk, his eyes unfocused and wandering. He raised one trembling hand to rub at the spray of blood drying on Aaron’s face.

“Did he hurt you?” Andrew choked out.

“It’s not mine, Andrew, it’s not mine,” Aaron said.

Neil stepped forward into the room and reached down to check Drake. He wasn’t breathing and there was no pulse. He sighed in relief. He patted him down quickly, emptying his pockets of anything he thought he might find useful.

A high pitched scream sounded from the door and they turned to see Maria and Luther in the hallway. Maria had delicate hands pressed to her mouth in horror and Luther was turning purple as he sputtered at them.

“You-you-you killed a Peacekeeper officer in my home,” Luther shouted.

“You invited a Peacekeeper officer into your home to...to do this!” Neil shouted back.

“I’m calling his ship for backup,” Luther said, raising his wrist threateningly.

“Do it and it will be the last thing you do,” Neil said, raising his pulse pistol, now with steady hands, and aiming it directly at the center of Luther’s forehead.

“Neil!” Nicky shouted.

“Yes, Nicky? Do you have something to say in his defense?” Neil growled through gritted teeth.

“He’s...he’s my father,” Nicky whispered.

“Nicky,” Aaron pleaded, struggling to pull Andrew to his feet. “Help me with him.”

Nicky’s eyes filled with tears but he turned his back on his parents and knelt by Andrew where he was struggling to keep sitting upright on the bed. “Can you get him on my back?” he asked.

Aaron nodded and pushed Andrew forward. Nicky got his hands under Andrew’s knees and stood, staggering slightly from the weight. Aaron stood behind them and used his hands to help brace Andrew and keep him from falling.

Neil squared his shoulders. “We are going to walk out of here now. You are going to let us go. You are not going to call for the Peacekeepers and you will not try to stop us.” He waved the gun, forcing them back and out of the way so Nicky could walk through the door with his precious cargo. Neil kept himself between them at all times and the gun never wavered.

“Nicholas,” Maria spoke as her son began to navigate the stairs. “You haven’t broken the law yet. We can tell the Peacekeepers your cousins kidnapped you and we helped you escape. You can still come home.”

Nicky faltered but he did not slow or stop. “I think...I think this hasn’t been home for a long time.” He choked back his tears.

“I suggest you make this disappear,” Neil said, gesturing with the gun. “I doubt it will go well for you if you report to the Peacekeepers that you had us and let us get away, causing the death of one of their officers.”

Luther blanched. Neil could only hope that he took their words seriously so they wouldn’t be followed.

It felt like forever but eventually they were loading Andrew into the transport pod and lowering him into a seat. Neil pushed forward and pressed his hands onto Andrew’s wound. The blood welled up from the wound.

“Neil,” Aaron’s voice registered in his ear and he realized they had been trying to get his attention. “We need you to fly. You’re the only one who is capable. I can keep him alive.”

Neil nodded and staggered over to the controls. He was not as good a flyer as Andrew, few people were, but he managed to get them off the ground and flying back to Abby, trying very hard to ignore the bloodstains on his hands.

* * *

Neil was going crazy. It had been hours since they had returned and there was still no news. He had spent most of that time scrubbing himself from head to toe, trying to get the feel of that place off him. He could still see the red staining his hands when he closed his eyes.

Renee and Aaron had kicked everyone else out of the medical bay as they tried to keep Andrew alive and the longer he heard nothing, the more he was afraid that Andrew had died and they simply didn’t know how to announce it to everyone.

Aaron cleared his throat at the doorway to Neil’s room and Neil whirled around, his heart in his throat, to hear the news.

“He’s stable,” Aaron said, eyes red and exhausted. “He wants to see you.”

Andrew looked pale but at least he was no longer absent. Neil nearly collapsed with relief when he could finally replace the last glimpse he’d had of Andrew with this one.

“You’re not dead,” Neil said.

“Disappointed?” Andrew asked.

“Nah,” Neil replied, choking back a laugh that was halfway to a sob. “No one is allowed to kill my friends but me.”

“So we’re friends now?” Andrew asked.

“I thought we established that when we were in the foxhole together,” Neil teased.

Andrew’s brow furrowed. “We were in what hole together? I think I would remember that.”

“Oh, it’s a figure of speech,” Neil blushed. “It’s a hole in a battlefield where soldiers hide from heavy fire.”

“Ah,” Andrew said. He pushed himself to sit up but winced as his wound made itself known.

Renee spoke up from her position at the doorway. “You should leave him to get some rest. He still has a lot of healing to do.”

Neil nodded reluctantly. Andrew opened his mouth as if to argue but closed it again and turned it into a shrug.

“Get well soon,” Neil said lamely.

“Like I have any control over that.” Andrew smirked before closing his eyes and almost immediately drifting off.


	6. hold through the night (the shadows will run)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Andrew keeps dangerous secrets and Aaron and Neil bond.
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Without the light_   
_Oh, the darkness comes_   
_Hold through the night_   
_Mmm, the shadows will run_   
_Mmm, fend off the enemy_   
_Sing out the jubilee_   
_With all the fire we can breathe_   
_We're singin' all day_   
_and you can't tame it_   
_High tide, low tide, you know_   
_Night time, mornin' time, and_   
_We're goin' strong_   
_Headed up, down the river_   
_Oh, Lord, I feel the reveling_   
_I feel a change on the rise_
> 
> -_Change on the Rise_ by Avi Kaplan

Neil got the sense that perhaps Andrew was avoiding him. He seemed to conveniently fall asleep whenever Neil was in the room and the more mobile he became, the more likely he was to be where Neil wasn’t.

This time, Neil found Andrew in the gym. He was standing in front of a punching bag and going at it with all his strength. “Are you sure you should be doing that? Your wound hasn’t been healed for long,” Neil announced himself after a minute of watching Andrew locked in single minded focus.

Andrew paused and staggered a little, steadying himself on the bag. “Muscles are healed,” he said shortly before continuing to punch.

Neil noticed each punch had subsequently less force. “Renee not in the mood for sparring today?”

“We were, she decided to stop.” Andrew shot him a glare before refocusing on the black bag in front of him.

Neil was tempted to grab him and pull him away from the bag but knew that Andrew probably wouldn’t appreciate the contact. He stepped in between the bag and Andrew’s fists and braced himself for impact. It turned out he didn’t need to prepare. Andrew’s fist barely hit hard enough to leave a mark and he wavered on his feet, collapsing into Neil.

“Jesus, Andrew, you’re freezing.” Neil brought his arms up to keep Andrew from falling. Andrew slid to his knees, retching up a watery bile and Neil knelt down with him. “Let me help you to your room. You should rest.”

“Not to my room, help me to my prowler.” Andrew turned his face away from Neil.

“Your prowler? Where are you going to go? We’re in a pretty empty part of space right now.” A terrible thought hit Neil and chilled him to the core. “Are you going out there to die?”

“The muscle has healed. I should be getting better,” Andrew said stubbornly. “But I’m not. When i was stabbed, he must have nicked my paraphoral nerve. It doesn’t regenerate so I’m going to keep deteriorating. My blood is going to fill up with toxins and in about 60 arns, I’ll be dead. So take me to my prowler. I don’t want to stay here and watch you all realize how frelled you are without me.”

“That sounds exactly like something you would enjoy. You just don’t want to say a proper goodbye. But you won’t have to because I’m not going to let you die. I’m calling Renee. There has to be something we can do.” Neil’s eyes were stinging so he opened them wide to stave off tears. If he cried now, Andrew would never let him live it down.

“The only way to fix it is with a tissue match from a compatible donor…” Andrew said.

“You frelling idiot,” Neil interrupted him. “You have a twin brother. I doubt you can get more compatible than that.”

“I...can’t ask him to do that for me. I’m not like that. I don’t just take and take,” Andrew said.

“You don’t have to.” Neil dragged Andrew up and started pulling him toward the med bay. “I’ll do it.”

When they reached the med bay, Renee had the bed made up and everything set up to make Andrew feel more comfortable. “I thought you were going to wind up here sooner rather than later. Are you willing to accept help from me now?”

Andrew glared but allowed Neil to manhandle him onto the bed.

Aaron ran through the doorway, skidding on the smooth floors, puffing and blowing. “Renee, what…?”

“Andrew’s injury was more serious than we initially anticipated. He needs a graft of paraphoral nerve tissue. If you consent, we would like to prep you for the extraction immediately,” Renee said calmly.

Aaron’s mouth dropped open and his face went white.

“You don’t have to do it, Aaron,” Andrew groaned. “You have a choice.”

“I...can’t,” Aaron whispered.

“What the hell, Aaron, he’s your brother,” Neil exploded.

“I...I would. But I really can’t.” He reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a small sack. Renee took it from him curiously, opened the drawstring and sniffed the opening.

“Poison,” she hissed, throwing it across the room.

“I’m sorry, Andrew,” Aaron’s hands shook.

“What is it?” Neil asked.

“Jevvik root,” Renee said, not even bothering to disguise the look of disgust on her face. “It’s a powerful mood enhancer, highly addictive. What’s your dose?”

“Three every day,” Aaron said softly.

“Three! You must have been taking it for cycles!”

“Eight cycles,” Aaron admitted.

“Will someone tell me what the frell is going on?” Neil shouted.

“Jevvik root is toxic in large amounts but the body adapts to small amounts. As someone consumes it, they find they need more and more and eventually they can metabolize much larger amounts. A beginner dose is 1/32 of a root per day,” Renee explained.

“And because Aaron has so much in his system...” Neil began.

“A tissue transplant would kill Andrew instantly,” Renee confirmed. “And it will take many solar days for it to leave his system even if he stops taking it immediately.”

Neil growled and turned on Aaron, slamming him back into the wall. “You’ve just killed your brother, you know that?”

“I...I didn’t…” Aaron stammered.

“Addicts never think about how their actions affect others,” Neil snarled.

Renee stepped gracefully in between them. “Neil, he didn’t know. He couldn’t have known.”

Against his will, Neil felt his rage subside. “There has to be something we can do.”

Without Neil’s fist holding him against the wall, Aaron slid down the wall, hugging his knees to his chest. “I might know of something,” he whispered. He grasped the chain of the necklace around his neck and pulled out the pendant. For the first time, Neil was able to get a good look at it. It was a silver ball with an intricate design carved on it. A line around the edge suggested it might be some kind of locket. “The last I heard....Katelyn...was stationed at a secret gammak base somewhere in the area. I don’t know if she is still there or if the base is still operational but she worked in medical. They would have the resources to find a tissue match. I don’t know the exact location but Jean might.”

“You had better be right.” Neil turned on his heel and left the room, calling for Jean on the comms.

* * *

“I’m going and I’m going alone,” Neil said. “It’s going to be dangerous and I’m not going to drag anyone else into this.”

“You’re not dragging us into this,” Matt protested. “We want to help.”

“You’ll help by getting me killed. This is an undercover job and no offense, but you’re not so great at blending in,” Neil said. “No one is coming who can’t pass as Sebacean.”

“How the frell are you supposed to pass as Sebacean?” Aaron exploded. “They’ll hear you speaking Human and your cover will be blown instantly.”

“Andrew has been teaching me a few things,” Neil said in Sebacean.

Aaron squinted at him. “Your accent is atrocious, but you might pass if you say you grew up in the colonies,” he said grudgingly. “But you’re taking me with you.”

“Aaron, it’s not safe. Someone might know your face,” Neil said.

“I can’t just sit back and let you risk your life when it’s my fault,” Aaron said.

“Our fault,” Nicky interrupted. “I have to be there too.”

Neil groaned. “I will take one of you if you can give me a good reason to be there,” he finally relented.

“I can distract people. I’m very good at distractions,” Nicky winked at Neil.

“Katelyn,” Aaron said. “She might still be there. She’ll help me. And even if she’s moved on, I know my way around Sebacean medical facilities.”

“Sorry Nicky,” Neil said. “That’s a point for Aaron. Now if only we could do something about your face.”

“I’ll handle that,” Allison looked down her nose at them. “Come to my rooms. I can at least help you fool the eyes.”

Half an hour later, Neil looked in the mirror and agreed it was a good idea. She had spread a number of different powders and creams on his face making his cheekbones look lower, his jawline rounder, and his face blander overall. The change in Aaron was more startling. His hair was jet black and he too stood out less than he had before.

“I don’t think I can do anything else without actually cutting your face to make the changes and we don’t have time for that to heal,” Allison said, grinning proudly as she surveyed her handiwork.

“Right, that’s the only reason we’re not doing it,” Aaron said sarcastically.

Neil snorted before being appalled at himself for actually thinking Aaron was funny. “We’ve wasted enough time. Andrew doesn’t have much longer.”

“Oh, you should take Drake’s ident chip with you too,” Allison said, seemingly pulling it out of thin air. “In case you need it to get into the base.”

“How did you know…?” Neil asked, frowning at her.

“That you robbed a dead Peacekeeper officer? Neil, you’re not very good at hiding things,” Allison purred.

“Allison, this was in my personal chamber,” Neil growled.

“And you never told me not to go in there,” Allison’s eyes widened in fake innocence.

“Stay out of my room,” Neil shouted. “I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”

“I’m helping you,” Allison argued. “Had you forgotten you had the chip? Did you even know what it was?”

“Well no, but still,” Neil protested.

“I thought you said we were in a hurry,” Aaron interrupted.

“We are.” Neil snatched the chip out of Allison’s hand and left the room, not even looking back to see if Aaron was following.

Andrew came to see them off, shivering and being supported between Renee and Matt. “You shouldn’t do this,” he said. “I’m not worth it.”

“I think that’s my decision to make,” Neil said before climbing into the cockpit of Andrew’s prowler.

“Be careful…” Andrew gasped, “...with her. If my prowler doesn’t come back in one piece, I will haunt you.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “If you die while I’m gone, I’ll put it on autopilot and aim it at the nearest sun.”

“Don’t you dare,” Andrew growled, the intimidation lost its effect as he snuggled deeper into Renee’s side.

Neil didn’t dare say anything more so he nodded at Andrew and climbed in.

Of course Allison was right about the ident chip. They landed without incident but they wouldn’t have made it without the code on Drake’s chip. Neil took a deep breath after landing in the base and before opening the cockpit.

“Ready?” Neil asked.

Aaron pulled the necklace out of the collar of his shirt. He twisted and the two halves came apart. One half had a tiny picture of a woman with dark brown hair and a bright smile. The other half had a small button. Aaron pressed it. It lit up blue for about fifteen seconds before flashing green three times and shutting off. “She’s still here,” he sighed in relief. “So we can lay low and try not to arouse suspicion; she will come to us.”

Neil nodded, waiting for Aaron to put the necklace away, and then opened the cockpit. A Sebacean in a red and black coat stood at attention to greet them. 

“This way, Captain Spear,” the man said, looking down his nose at them.

“We are only here to resupply,” Neil said, “we will not require quarters.”

“I have received orders to show you to your rooms immediately,” the man said.

Neil sighed but nodded and willingly followed the man, Aaron silently behind him. They soon reached a security checkpoint. Neil pulled out his ident chip and held it above the scanner. It flashed green and he started to move forward.

The man cleared his throat and held out an arm to prevent Neil from passing. “Biometric scanner too,” he said.

“Surely you must be joking,” Neil said. “I outrank you. This chip should be enough.”

“New security measures lately,” the man replied. “No one gets beyond this checkpoint without a biometric scan.”

“And I told you, all we need to do is resupply. We have no need of the quarters because we will not be staying,” Neil argued.

Aaron shrunk back, trying to appear invisible.

“Protocol,” the man stepped closer and sneered. “You cannot resupply until your identity has been verified.”

Neil knew if he made a scene, he would definitely ruin their mission so he held his breath and stepped forward to place his hand on the scanner. He could hardly believe it when it flashed green and the man stepped back to let him through the checkpoint, providing them directions to their quarters.

“How did you do that?” Aaron hissed when they had left the man behind.

“I have no idea,” Neil whispered back. He scanned the ident chip once more and the door to their quarters whooshed open. They stepped inside and came face to face with Kevin.

“What the frell are you doing here?” Kevin whispered furiously. “You would be dead now if I hadn’t recognized you and reprogrammed the biometric scanner.”

“You did that?” Neil nodded, impressed. “Does that mean Riko is here too?”

“No, they needed someone with my particular skillset at this base and Riko thought it sounded boring. He will be picking me up in a few solar days. You’re lucky you didn’t miss me entirely. Now why are you here? You don’t strike me as the type to risk your life for a social call.”

Neil glared but spoke. “Do you remember Andrew?”

Kevin nodded but the angry look on his face didn’t waver.

“He’s been injured and we need a paraphoral nerve tissue sample as soon as possible,” Neil said.

Kevin addressed Aaron. “If you had injured your paraphoral nerve, you wouldn’t be standing right now. Try again.”

“I’m not Andrew,” Aaron said, clearly offended. “I’m his twin brother, Aaron.”

“And you couldn’t donate the tissue…” Kevin asked.

“For personal reasons,” Aaron interrupted, glaring.

Kevin rolled his eyes. “I don’t know if I can get you a sample. You’ll need someone in the med bay to write a requisition order.”

“Can’t you hack the system like you did with the scanner?” Aaron asked.

“For an extremely high tech base, some of the bureaucracy is awful. They do all the medical requisitions on hard copies only,” Kevin sneered. “Honestly, they really need to update.”

“We don’t need a requisition order. We just need you to deliver a message. There is a doctor in the med bay named Katelyn Minyard. Can you tell her that her husband is here and needs to meet with her?” Aaron asked. 

Neil shot a glare at Aaron for neglecting to mention the woman they were meeting was his wife. 

Kevin nodded. “I can do that safely enough.” He typed for a few seconds on his wrist communicator.

“Are you sure that thing is secure?” Neil asked. “I don’t imagine Riko gives his lackeys a lot of privacy.”

Kevin nodded and smiled shyly. “I did the encryption on this myself. Riko thinks he’s cracked it but he’s only managed to get through a few of the top layers of security. He doesn’t even know this one exists.” It beeped a few minutes later. “Your friend will meet you in cafeteria four in half an arn. And I should go. If I disappear for too long from my post, someone will get suspicious. I have a map for you and I can do my best to make sure the cameras aren’t looking too closely at you, but other than that, you’re on your own.” Kevin handed Neil a small black disc. Neil pressed on the surface and a map projected itself in the air. 

“Thank you,” Neil said. 

Kevin nodded and left the room, looking both ways before darting out into the hallway.

Neil studied the map a little closer, finding cafeteria four and tracing a path from their location. “It shouldn’t take more than ten minutes to walk there. Do you want to wait here or go early to scout it out first?”

“You know I don’t understand your weird earth time,” Aaron scowled. “What’s that in real measurements?”

“Less than half an arn,” Neil rolled his eyes.

Aaron’s hands trembled and he clasped them together in his lap. “I’ll need a minute,” he said before standing and disappearing into the washroom.

Cafeteria four was not too busy. There were enough people that they didn’t stand out but it wasn’t crowded making it easy to find a seat with their backs to the wall and with good sightlines.

A tall brunette, probably a good ten inches taller than Aaron, stepped in through the doorway and scanned the room. The change on her face was very small, but her eyes lit up when she focused on Aaron.

“What the frell are you doing here?” she whispered as she dropped into a seat at their table.

“People seem to be asking us that a lot lately,” Neil grinned. “Hi, you must be Katelyn. My name is Neil.”

Katelyn ignored him completely. “Aaron, you shouldn’t be here. Your face, well your brother’s face, is on every wanted bulletin in Peacekeeper territory and they’re definitely sending them out into the Uncharted Territories as well.”

“Andrew’s been injured. And this is the only place we could go. I knew you could help us,” Aaron said. He set his hand on the table less than an inch away from Katelyn’s.

She yanked her hand away. “You brought Andrew HERE? You’ve been many things, Aaron Minyard, but I’d never thought you would be so stupid.”

“He isn’t here,” Aaron said, offended. “He’s on our ship and he’s hidden and safe. I need a paraphoral nerve tissue sample.”

“You didn’t need to come all the way out here to get a sample, you complete frellnik. You’re his twin,” Katelyn said.

Aaron dropped his eyes and studied his hands like they were the most interesting things in the world.

“Unless,” Katelyn stopped. “Aaron...still?”

Aaron nodded. “I tried to quit. So many times I tried. I can’t do it. I’ve been taking it for too long.”

“This is why I left you,” Katelyn hissed. “I couldn’t stand by and watch you destroy everything you cared about with your selfishness. I can’t believe you dragged me back into this. I told you I wouldn’t see you again unless you had gotten clean. Have you at least been cutting back your dose?”

Aaron shook his head miserably. “I know, okay, I know. I know I hurt you. I know I have no excuses for my behaviour. I know exactly how my actions have hurt everyone around me. But please don’t punish Andrew when the one you’re trying to punish is me.”

Katelyn shook her head and sighed. “You should leave,” she said. “It’s not safe.”

“I can’t leave without that sample,” Aaron said.

Katelyn dropped her head into her hands. “I hate how much I still care about you,” she mumbled into her hands.

“I still love you…” Aaron began.

“No, you don’t get to say that to me, not when every action you take says otherwise. But for the sake of what we used to be, I’ll get you that sample,” Katelyn said softly.

Even though they were not even close to reaching safety, Neil felt himself relax a little.

“Thank you,” Aaron said.

“You can thank me when you’re leaving,” she said curtly, standing so she towered over them. “Once I’ve gotten it, I’ll pass it along to your tech friend. It shouldn’t take too long. And Aaron? Don’t do this again. I meant it when I said you need to get clean before you can come back to me. I don’t want this to be over but I will not let you hurt me again.”

Aaron and Neil sat in silence for a while. 

“Aaron,” Neil finally broke the stillness between them.

“If you mention any of this to anyone, they will never find your body,” Aaron snarled through his tears.

“I wouldn’t,” Neil said. “It’s your business. I don’t care what happened in your past as long as we can get what Andrew needs right now.”

Aaron nodded and wiped his eyes carefully. “We should lie low until we hear from Kevin.”

* * *

Neil’s eyes had just started to glaze over in boredom when a light flashing a time and coordinates displayed on the wall. Neil thought he was seeing things at first until he saw the K right underneath it. He shook Aaron awake. “We have to go,” he said.

Aaron rubbed his eyes, trying to wake up. He rolled out of bed before he quite managed it and stood, swaying a little on his feet, his eyes opening a little wider with every sleepy blink.

Neil felt uneasy. He couldn’t figure out what was bothering him. Maybe it was because they were so close to completing their mission but he had an almost unshakable feeling that everything was about to go wrong.

They were to meet Kevin in a hallway outside the hangar where Andrew’s prowler was. All they had to do was pick up the sample and leave. Neil could see Kevin at the other end of the hallway and at first, he felt relieved. 

Hairs lifted on the back of Neil’s neck and he had the unshakeable feeling that someone was watching him. He turned back to look. A man in black leather from head to toe stood in one of the doorways. He was talking to one of the soldiers on duty and he was staring straight at Neil. Their eyes locked and a shock of familiarity poured down his back like ice water. 

“Aaron,” he said in a low voice. “Walk ahead of me like we aren’t travelling together. Get the sample from Kevin and fly away. Don’t look back and don’t wait for me.”

Aaron paused for just a moment but he didn’t look at Neil. “I’m not leaving you behind.”

“You will if that’s the only way to save Andrew,” Neil whispered, slowing as he heard shouts coming from behind him. “Go!”

Aaron picked up speed and Kevin made the handoff. Neil swung around and fired at the two guards who were now following him before ducking off into a side corridor. He breathed a sigh of relief when both men followed him away from Aaron and then began to look for somewhere to run in earnest. It was only a few minutes later than he ran right into a dead end.

“Looks like we’ve caught our little runner,” a smooth, oily voice sounded from behind him. “What secrets are you carrying, hmm?”

Neil turned to face the men coming for him. They had multiplied during the chase but only the man in front meant anything to him. He stood bravely and looked the man in the eyes, eyes out of his worst nightmares, eyes belonging to his father, Nathan Wesninski. He was the product of an unholy union between a Sebacean woman and a Scarran man, two sets of genes that were never meant to mix. His face was ugly and misshapen, deep grooves carved around his mouth and hollow cheeks that gave him an unnatural, almost skeletal appearance. Worse than his ruined face, Scarrans run hot and Sebaceans have no tolerance for heat, leaving Nathan constantly on the brink of a disease known as Sebacean heat delirium. He was dressed entirely in a black leather cold suit and he had cooling rods that drilled into his head to keep him from tipping over the brink into utter madness.

“I thought you were dead,” Neil said.

“Oh, your mother did try her best, of course. But it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t ever enough,” Nathan grinned at him.

Neil shrugged. “Not much we can do about that now; she’s dead.”

“Is she? I couldn’t be sure.” Nathan laughed deep in his throat.

“So what, couldn’t spare the time to come yourself, or were you too afraid to face her again?” Neil spat on the floor between them.

The mask slipped for a moment on his father’s face. “She may not have succeeded in killing me but she did destroy the ship and we couldn’t quite recreate the phase shielding.”

“So it was fear,” Neil said. “You were afraid of being liquefied and so you sent your men to die in your place.”

“Some men know the meaning of loyalty,” Nathan smirked. “Far better than your poor, dear mother.” He gestured to a woman standing a few feet behind him, bright red hair shining on her head and thick bangs coming to a point between her eyebrows.

“Lola, take my son and put him in the Aurora chair. No need to be overly gentle but I’d rather you didn’t weaken him too much. We don’t want him ending his session too early.” Nathan smirked at Neil.

Lola directed two of the soldiers to grasp him by the upper arms and march him down the hallway. She pulled a blade out of a hidden pocket and walked backwards in front of them. “Here’s how things are going to work, Nathaniel,” she purred. “I am going to put you in the Aurora chair and you are going to let me. Every time you perform an action contrary to that goal, you will be punished. Are you ready to begin?”

Neil glared at her. She held up her hand to signal the soldier on his right to hold his arm outstretched and rip the sleeve back to expose his forearm. She slashed down, leaving a shallow but stinging cut that began weeping blood down his arm. He struggled, but she continued slashing until he stopped moving and dropped his eyes to the ground.

“Better,” she said. “Now come along. This is far from the worst that will happen to you if I don’t get you into the chair before Nathan is ready for you.”

Neil went willingly down the hallway and with every breath he hoped that Aaron had made it out, that Andrew was receiving his transplant now, and that they wouldn’t come find him.


	7. everyone must breathe (until their dying breath)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Neil is in a sticky situation and Andrew comes to the rescue.
> 
> * * *
> 
> This is how it works  
You're young until you're not  
You love until you don't  
You try until you can't  
You laugh until you cry  
You cry until you laugh  
And everyone must breathe  
Until their dying breath  
No, this is how it works  
You peer inside yourself  
You take the things you like  
And try to love the things you took  
And then you take that love you made  
And stick it into some  
Someone else's heart  
Pumping someone else's blood  
And walking arm in arm  
You hope it don't get harmed  
But even if it does  
You'll just do it all again
> 
> _ On the Radio_ by Regina Spektor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning in this chapter for a little bit of torture.

Neil tried his best to keep from trembling. None of the cuts so far had been deep so blood loss was not an issue but his mind was flooded with memories. Lola teaching him to throw a knife, to skin a squirrel, making him watch when Nathan decided to punish someone, holding him down when Nathan wanted to punish him. 

She had restrained him in a strange chair. It was big and black with shackles built in for his arms and legs and a strap across his forehead so he was forced to look straight ahead. The chair was built up on a circular platform and right in his field of vision was a blank metal circle. Neil could hardly begin to guess at its purpose. It was unlike anything he had ever seen before.

“Do you like it?” Nathan asked. “It’s my newest toy. In my line of work, I often find myself in need of information. Imagine my disappointment when the ignorant ones I questioned started to tell me what they think I wanted to hear. I mean yes, there is always a certain amount of pride in the process and time spent torturing is never wasted but there is something to be said for accuracy. Now Nathaniel. How much do you know about your mother’s research?”

“You think I’m going to just give you wormholes? My mother saw how dangerous you are and gave her life to make sure you wouldn’t have that knowledge. I’m not going to just hand you the keys to Earth or any other planet.” Neil glared even though every instinct told him to cower.

“But see, here’s the beauty of it. You can be stoic, you can keep your mouth shut, but it doesn’t matter how strong you are, your mind will tell me everything I need to know,” Nathan laughed and flipped a switch. The platform started to rotate and a buzzing sound began to build in Neil’s brain. The sound became pressure and expanded; Neil could feel his brain start to unravel. He strained to look upward, half expecting to see bits of grey matter floating in the air above him.

“Higher,” Nathan said, gesturing to Lola. The buzzing turned to pain and Neil started screaming as the images of his childhood reflected on the metal circle in front of him and fire raced along every neuron.

It took him a moment to realize the machine had stopped. He gasped for air through a throat raw from screaming. Nathan had an image from Neil’s memories still reflected in front of him.

“Was that really how you saw me?” he asked. “I am the stuff of nightmares, larger than life. Lola, capture this image. I want to use it for my next portrait. Yes, this will strike terror into the hearts of my enemies.”

“Fuck you,” Neil said.

“I never did quite get the hang of Earth vulgarities. Tell me, which emotion am I meant to be feeling? Insulted? Scared? Angry? A little flattered but uncomfortable?” Nathan gestured to Lola at the controls. “As much as I’m enjoying the ego boost, this still isn’t quite what I’m looking for. Let’s go a little deeper, shall we?”

Neil screamed again as more recent memories began to fill his brain.

“There,” Nathan said. “Right there.”

The chair slowed and a scene Neil could not remember played before him. He recognized his Uncle Stuart but after a few seconds he realized it was the alien that had impersonated his uncle.

“We are grateful to you for your help, Neil Josten. Even though your planet is not our final home we wish to repay you.”

“That really isn’t necessary,” Neil heard his own voice echo. 

“Even so, I recognize in you the same longing that beats in my own heart, for a home and a place of safety. I cannot give you this wormhole knowledge outright but I will hide it in your brain and it will guide you to the answers you seek. I hope that in the end it will help you find your home.” The memory faded.

“Oh, this is unexpected. I thought you might have crumbs of knowledge gleaned from your mother and memories of watching her work. But this is a feast. Follow that thread,” Nathan shouted at Lola. “Find the rest of what he knows!”

The pain got even worse as the chair combed through his more recent memories, trying to find anything connected to that one small lost memory. Neil no longer had the strength to scream as his mind was flayed apart and scoured. He couldn’t completely keep them from seeing flashes of Abby and his friends. Neil flinched as Andrew’s assault appeared in front of him and he couldn’t look away. But he did manage to keep Nathan from discovering their location. He resolutely locked down any road that led to Kevin. He hoped he had the sense to get away but he had to give him every chance. He fought until it all went black.

* * *

Neil woke as he was being dragged down the hall. He very carefully didn’t react, allowing his head to hang and his feet to drag. They weren’t gentle as they threw him into the empty cell but it didn’t matter because Neil was in blissful silence and for the moment at least no one was hurting him.

He drifted for what could have been minutes or hours as his brain struggled to inhabit his skull once more. He wondered idly how long it had been since he had last eaten. He probably should be hungry by now.

“Don’t react,” a voice spoke in his ear. It took all he had not to flail wildly but he managed to keep it to a casual look around his cell. He was still alone.

“They have cameras so they can see what’s going on in here but they don’t have sound. You can talk to me but you should make sure they can’t see your mouth moving. We don’t want them to get suspicious.”

Neil slowly pulled himself up into a sitting position, drew his knees into his chest and put his head down on his knees. “Kevin?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Are you okay?” Kevin asked.

Neil laughed, uncaring that it turned into a sob at the end. “I’m fine. Did Aaron get away okay?”

“He’s gone,” Kevin said. “I had to hide him for a bit until I could figure out a way for him to fly away without getting shot down but he made it.”

Neil collapsed a little further into his knees. “Good, that’s good. And what about you? Is your cover blown?”

“No, no one seems to suspect me. I guess there are advantages to being Riko’s slave,” Kevin laughed when he said it but he sounded strained. “But Neil, seriously, what can I do?”

“Get out,” Neil said. “You can get away. Go find Abby and the others. Tell them to run. I’ll keep Nathan focused on me and no one will come after them.”

“If I’m leaving, I’m taking you with me,” Kevin said.

“You’ll get caught. I’m not letting you be collateral damage,” Neil insisted. “I’m not worth it.”

“Neil, you can’t make those kinds of decisions for people,” Kevin said.

“If you find Abby, tell Andrew…” Neil trailed off.

“Tell Andrew what?” Kevin asked softly.

“Tell Andrew I don’t have any regrets,” Neil replied.

“If I can’t get you out, I can at least help you. If you get to the point where you need a break, think of me on the Nevermore,” Kevin said.

“What? Kevin, no. I’m not going to think of you just to take the heat off me.” Neil only kept himself from lifting his head and scowling at the wall with great effort.

“I’ll be fine. Trust me,” Kevin said. “I have to go. They’re coming to get you again. Be strong, Neil.”

It was easiest to stay in the same position, curled up and ignoring the opening of the door.

“Broken already?” Lola purred. “I expected better of you. Your human side betrays you.”

Neil lifted his head. “My human side is what sets me apart from you.”

“Oh you still have a little fight left. I’m so pleased. So tell me, Nathaniel, will you still cling to your human side when you look like a monster?” She nodded to the Peacekeepers on either side of her. They shot into the room and one grabbed him by the arms, the other wrapped his hands around Neil’s head like a vice. Neil fought hard until Lola approached, talon-like nails approaching his eyes.

Neil shut his eyes tight. He froze as the tip of Lola’s nail rested on his eyelid. “Either you open your eye or I begin to dig,” she whispered. “Only one of us is invested in not blinding you and it isn’t me.”

Neil’s eyes popped open. He shivered and tried to hold still as Lola delicately reached in and pulled the contact lenses from his eyes. 

“I don’t have access to genetic tailoring on such short notice but we do what we can.” Lola pulled a small cylinder out of her pocket and waved it in front of Neil’s face. He had no idea what it was but as he watched, it began to glow red and he could feel the heat building. She touched it to his face and he screamed. Every few seconds, she would move it, burning another circle in his cheek.

An eternity later, she turned it off and sat back on her heels to consider her handiwork. “It’s missing something,” she mused. She pulled out her knife once more and slashed several shallow cuts on his other cheek. “Perfect,” she grinned. “Let’s not keep your father waiting.”

Nathan smirked when he saw Neil’s face. “I’ve always appreciated your handiwork, Lola.”

Neil said nothing. He didn’t want to move his face and risk igniting the agony in his cheeks again.

He still fought being put in the chair but it was no use. He was strapped in and the chair began to turn once more.

He hoped it would be better now that he knew what to expect but instead it was as if all his neural pathways had been flayed, laid open, raw and painful to the touch. Nathan kept directing Lola to take him through his memories since leaving Earth and it was getting exhausting trying to protect everyone he had grown to care about since he flew through the wormhole.

The taste of pennies flooded his mouth. He had bitten his tongue. Blood dripped from the corner of his mouth and mingled with the sweat that already drenched him. He couldn’t do it. He needed to stop. He hated himself for doing it but he carefully opened the door in his mind that he had been avoiding and he thought of Kevin, of working together on the Nevermore, of stealing the defense shield, of trying to convince him to desert his post.

That wasn’t the scene that filled the metal circle in front of him. With a shock, he recognized Riko Moriyama in a place he’d never been, Abby’s observation deck.

_“I want to offer you a deal,” Riko was practically oozing false sincerity. “I know you have wormhole knowledge. I won’t turn you over to my superiors if you give it to me. Work with me and help me take over the Peacekeepers from within.”_

_“You’re not exactly my favourite person,” Neil argued._

_“And I have already apologized for the reception you were given when you first arrived. I didn’t know then how useful you would be.” Riko had the smile of a shark, lots of teeth, nothing but death in the eyes._

_“I have no desire to continue running from Peacekeepers,” Neil said. “I will build you a wormhole weapon that will give you the power and control that you want if you conveniently forget about me and a certain Leviathan and all her crew.”_

_“We have a deal,” Riko grinned, reaching out a hand for Neil to clasp._

The chair stopped spinning but Neil could hardly appreciate it. Pain ran through his body in little shocks. He couldn’t control his limbs, helpless as he jerked and spasmed.

“Send for Captain Moriyama,” Nathan commanded from the other side of a long dark tunnel.

* * *

Neil awoke in his cell with no memory of how he had gotten there. He was slightly more alert but he could barely move. His limbs continued to jerk as his brain fired signals in response to stimuli that weren’t there.

A few minutes later, the door creaked open and a person in a grey uniform was shoved into the room. Neil tried to focus blurry vision on their face but it wasn’t until they came closer and knelt over him that he recognized the furious face of Katelyn Minyard.

“What did you tell them?” she spat, shaking his shoulders furiously.

“N-n-n,” Neil’s tongue wouldn’t work and Katelyn’s fury didn’t make it any easier.

She realized that and sat back on her heels, anger dropping off her face to be replaced by pity. She stood and walked over to the door, grabbing a bag Neil hadn’t seen. She dug around in it for a bit and pulled out a smooth metal cylinder. She held it against Neil’s forehead until it beeped. 

“I don’t know what they expect me to do for you,” she sighed. “This is the most basic of first aid kits.” She pulled out a foil wrapped square and ripped it open to reveal some kind of antiseptic wipe. Gently, she cleaned the blood from his face. The cloth was pleasantly cool and Neil found himself leaning into her touch. 

“I-I didn’t tell,” Neil choked out.

Her hand stopped for a moment. “You didn’t mean to. I’ve seen that thing in action far too many times. You didn’t have a choice. And you didn’t tell them my identity anyway. They knew from your brain what you were here to find and guess whose name was on the requisition. Really, it’s all my frelling husband’s fault. He’s always dragging me into situations like this.”

“He cares about you,” Neil said, speech coming a little clearer now as his nerves slowly stopped misfiring.

“He has a funny way of showing it,” Katelyn scowled. “This isn’t the first time he’s gotten me into trouble. Why do you think I’m out here in the middle of nowhere? Aaron needed a fix and he used my ID to get it.”

“Sorry,” Neil whispered.

“I never should have married the frellnik,” Katelyn gently put her hand under Neil’s head, lifting him up to take a sip of water. “But I never thought he’d get me executed.”

“Fuck,” Neil said, closing his eyes.

“That can’t have translated correctly,” Katelyn glared at him. “This is not the time or place.”

“No, it’s uh, similar in meaning to frell, I guess. It’s a Human word,” Neil closed his eyes. “In this case, I mean that I really wish you hadn’t gotten dragged into this. I don’t mind sacrificing myself for Andrew but it isn’t right to ask anyone else to do it.”

Katelyn shrugged. “It’s time for a change, I guess. I haven’t been happy to work for a man who would use something like the aurora chair on a living creature. It’s barbaric. It’s not how I wanted to quit but I definitely did want to quit.”

Neil put his hand on her knee and gripped it tight. “I wish things could be different.”

Katelyn ran her fingers through his tangled hair, trying to smooth it down. “I know.”

There wasn’t much more to say. Neil drifted, trying to conserve strength for his next round in the chair. He couldn’t help his flinch when the door opened again. He gasped in relief and tears prickled at his eyes as Andrew, pale, thin, and with dark circles under his eyes, was the first one through the door. Matt followed him, blaster at the ready, covering his back.

“Aaron?” Katelyn asked. “Why did you come back?”

Andrew ignored her and crossed the room to Neil. He reached out his hand and pulled Neil to his feet. Neil winced and groaned but he was able to remain standing once Andrew shoved his shoulder under Neil’s arm and he could lean into Andrew’s warmth. “You should have let me die,” Andrew snarled. “I didn’t want you to turn yourself into a frelling martyr for me.”

Neil shrugged. “You shouldn’t have come for me, Andrew. You were supposed to run.”

“Wasn’t going to happen,” Andrew hoisted Neil up a little higher.

“Then you understand why I wasn’t just going to stand by and do nothing,” Neil argued.

“I hate you so much,” Andrew said, his voice rasping.

“I know.” Neil laughed even though it hurt his raw throat. Even though they were still in this awful place, he felt so much safer just having Andrew there.

“As adorable as this reunion is, I really would feel better if you saved it for when we got back to Abby,” Matt interrupted them. They settled for furiously glaring at each other as Matt kept talking. “The hallway is still clear but I don’t know how long we have until someone checks on you. We need to go now.”

“Katelyn is coming with us,” Neil said. “She helped us and I will not let her die for that.”

Andrew shrugged. “Keep up or you get left behind,” he barked. “Let’s move out.”

They practically jogged down the hall. Neil gasped for air. He couldn’t remember the last time it had been so hard to run. “What’s the plan? We’re going to get caught again,” Neil said.

“Have a little more faith in us than that,” Matt said, peering around a corner up ahead. “We’ve got your tech friend, Kevin, covering our escape. He’s handling the security cameras now and he’ll be able to open the doors we need. We’ll be fine.”

As if on cue, an alarm began to sound and lights flashed in the corridor. 

“Frell,” Andrew said. “They must have gone to your cell.” They continued running down the hallway. In the distance, Neil could hear the pounding of booted footsteps.

“In here,” Kevin popped up through a grate in the floor, startling a loud scream out of Matt. “Hurry up and please don’t do that again.”

Matt jumped down first, then Katelyn. Andrew carefully lowered Neil down into Matt’s arms. And then they shrunk back against the walls, staying out of the square of light in the middle of the floor and hoping nobody thought to look down. A troop of men passed overhead and then the hallway was silent again.

“Now what?” Neil asked Kevin.

Kevin sunk down to the ground. “I’m sorry. I tried.”

“What the frell do you mean, you tried?” Andrew growled.

“The base is on lockdown. The only way to get out through an outside door is with an officer’s ident chip. I can’t hack that,” Kevin looked up at them, terrified.

“And of course they took Drake’s from me when they searched me,” Neil said.

Katelyn had a strange look on her face. “Would Riko Moriyama’s ident chip get us through?”

Kevin nodded. “But I don’t have a way of getting that either.”

“He’s in the aurora chair right now. And they didn’t strip him of his uniform. It’s likely still on him,” Katelyn said.

“It worked?” Kevin asked. “Wesninski saw the memory?”

Neil nodded. “I don’t know how you managed to do that but they saw the implanted memory and went berserk. Then they returned me to my cell.”

“And they brought him in for questioning,” Kevin said. “He’s here, right now.”

“We need that ident chip,” Neil said. “I’ll go get it.”

“Neil, you can still barely stand,” Andrew protested.

Neil pushed himself away from Andrew. It wasn’t easy but he managed to stay on his feet. “I’m going. Katelyn and Kevin should stay out of sight and Andrew and Matt don’t know where they’re going.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “You should stay out of sight, too.”

“This is the last time I let someone else get hurt for me,” Neil scowled.

“Well, whoever’s going, you should go fast. They’ll be patrolling the halls already,” Katelyn said, shooting a worried glance up at the ceiling. “And they’ll be looking more carefully too. We can’t trust that this hiding place will work again.”

Andrew sighed and helped Neil up. “You need to support your own weight. And you should be carrying your own weapon.” Andrew handed him the pulse pistol from one of his thigh holsters.

Neil took it and managed to stand without wavering. He lifted the gate and climbed up out of the hole. Andrew followed him.

“I’m going alone,” Neil protested.

“And I’m not letting you out of my sight again until Renee is bandaging your face. It hurts to look at you,” Andrew retorted, shoving past Neil to stride down the hall.

“Andrew, it’s this way,” Neil gestured in the opposite direction. Andrew spun on his heel and came to stand at Neil’s side.

Neil trembled a little from nerves as they approached the room where so many secrets had been laid bare. Part of him hoped that Nathan had left to join the rest of the ship in the search for him but another darker part hoped that he would get the chance to confront him again, this time with a gun in his hand.

The room was empty save for the chair and the broken man strapped to it.

“Neil? Neil you have to let me go,” Riko begged when he caught sight of them.

“I don’t have to do anything for you,” Neil glared. “You put a price on my head.”

“It wasn’t personal. I can take it off. No one will go after you if you just let me out of this chair.” Riko pleaded. Neil softened a little; he knew well the horrors of that chair.

“Please, Neil,” Riko wept. Andrew flinched violently and almost reflexively aimed his pulse pistol in the center of Riko’s forehead. 

“When has that word meant anything to a Peacekeeper,” he snarled, his eyes black and emotionless.

“Andrew,” Neil said. “Don’t. It isn’t worth it.”

Andrew held the gun at Riko’s forehead for another instant longer before the tension left his muscles. “Don’t come after us again.” He reached into the breast pocket of Riko’s jacket, sighing in relief when he found the ident chip they needed. Then he stepped back, studying the control panel for the chair for a few seconds. He flipped the switch and the chair began to spin.

Neil and Andrew left the room, Riko’s screams fading in the distance.

Getting out was almost anticlimactic. There was a short firefight when they reached the surface but Jean and Renee were there to provide cover fire and soon they were in Abby’s transport pod and heading back to the ship, back home. Kevin was able to scramble the signals so the Peacekeeper ships looking for them weren’t able to get close without frying their instrument panels.

Neil could feel himself slowly fading as the adrenaline for their escape wore off. He fought to stay upright but he swayed back and forth with every movement of the ship. Finally Andrew sighed in exasperation and pulled Neil’s head down to rest on his shoulder. The rest of the people in the ship watched in shock but Neil was too exhausted to say anything. He drifted off into a light doze.

Everyone on the ship was there to welcome Neil home. There was a moment of startled silence as Neil came out of the ship. Neil remembered with a shock that Lola had removed his contacts on the ship. It seems he could no longer keep that part of him secret.

After that one awkward moment, everyone rushed forward to him, touching him to reassure themselves he was real and safe. Even Aaron gripped his shoulder tight and gave him a firm nod. Allison fawned all over him, cooing over his wounds and clinging uncomfortably close until Andrew had enough and shouted at everyone to leave.

Neil was having an increasingly hard time staying on his feet. After a little while, Andrew scooped him up in his arms and carried him the rest of the way.

“Your wound,” Neil protested sleepily. 

“I’m fine. I got what I needed,” Andrew gripped Neil a little tighter. Neil relaxed into the solid strength of Andrew’s arms and felt safer than he’d felt in forever.

He couldn’t just sleep of course. First they took him to Andrew’s room. Much of Renee’s medical supplies were there after she had been tending to Andrew. And then he was in too much pain as Renee found, cleaned, and bandaged every wound.

“I won’t need to stitch anything,” Renee murmured softly. “Their intended effect was pain rather than blood loss. I’ll do what I can for the burns on your face but I’m afraid you will always bear the marks of this day. I would need access to a much better facility.”

“Can I see?” Neil asked.

Renee hesitated but pulled the mirror off Andrew’s wall and held it so Neil could see his face.

Neil wanted to throw up. He hardly recognized himself any longer. He couldn’t remember the last time he had looked at his own uncovered eyes in the mirror. He looked alien. The burns were bad, red and shiny and swollen, distorting the line of his cheek. His breath came faster and faster. There wasn’t enough air. He didn’t realize how badly he was panicking until Andrew grabbed him by the back of the neck and shoved his head between his knees.

“You’re not there anymore. No one is going to hurt you,” Andrew continued repeating until Neil’s heart stopped pounding so hard and his breath slowed.

“Is he okay?” a voice came from the doorway. Neil pulled his head up and saw Katelyn standing uncertainly outside.

“Go away,” Andrew growled.

“I just want to help. I have medical training.” She pulled herself up to her full height and glared down at Andrew.

“I would be grateful for your help, my dear,” Renee said. “Neil, will you be comfortable if she remains?”

Neil nodded. “She helped before,” he said. If anything, he felt more relaxed with Katelyn here. There was still something about Renee that rubbed him the wrong way.

“Who are you?” Andrew asked, still standing in the way to block her from reaching Neil.

“Katelyn Minyard. I’m your sister in law,” she shot back.

Andrew’s brow furrowed in suspicion. “He didn’t mention you were married.”

“Yes well, he’s probably ashamed that his addiction drove me off because I refused to continue being his enabler,” Katelyn pushed past Andrew and sat beside Neil on the bed. “And move, you’re standing in my light.”

Andrew sputtered but there was a curious sort of respect on his face and he didn’t fight to pull her away from Neil.

After a few moments she stood and rummaged through Renee’s table of supplies. She grabbed a couple of jars and a small bowl. She measured portions out of each of the jars and mixed it into the bowl.

“Oh,” Renee said, pleased. “I haven’t seen that done before. But I can see how the alveroe and the zintec would complement each other nicely.”

“It still won’t keep it from scarring,” Katelyn frowned. “But it should keep it from getting too tight. You’ll still be able to eat and smile without pain.” She scooped some of the mixture out of the bowl with two fingers and smoothed it carefully on Neil’s cheek. Neil sighed as the burning in his face immediately subsided.

Andrew relaxed a little bit more as Neil felt his pain lessen. Katelyn carefully secured a dressing over the burn. She brushed his hair behind his ear tenderly and smiled at him. “You should sleep,” she said.

Neil nodded. “I’ll get out of your hair,” he said to Andrew.

Andrew ran a hand through his blond strands, a confused look on his face. “You’re not…”

“I’ll stop bothering you,” Neil interrupted him to qualify.

“You’re staying here tonight,” Andrew said, the forbidding look on his face letting Neil know that resistance was futile.

Neil nodded immediately lay down, his eyes closing almost against their will. He was vaguely aware of Katelyn and Renee cleaning up and leaving and Andrew pulling off his shoes and covering him with a blanket. His last conscious memory was of a warm, solid weight next to him on the bed. He curled toward it, seeking the comfort, and allowed himself to fall asleep.

* * *

Andrew was gone when Neil woke up. He was sore and still exhausted but didn’t want to be alone any longer.

He hit the button on his comms. “Andrew?” he rasped with sleep rough voice.

A cacophony of voices came through all at once, most of them telling him to come to the dining room. Andrew’s voice wasn’t among them so Neil muted his comms and went searching. He avoided the dining room altogether and headed down a level, assuming Andrew would probably be looking for some place a little quieter.

As he headed down, he became aware of a screaming voice. At first he thought it was Andrew and his steps quickened, but as he got closer he realized it was Aaron.

“Let me out! You can’t do this to me,” he shouted. “Andrew! You son of a hazmot, I need it! Let me out!”

Neil was practically running. Andrew intercepted him before he could reach the cell door.

“What are you doing to him?” Neil panted.

The look on Andrew’s face was studied indifference but Neil could see the deep sorrow reflected in his eyes. “It’s time he got clean,” he said simply.

“This is withdrawal? Shouldn’t we be weaning him off it?” Neil asked.

“I asked Renee; it will be painful and he might hate me for it. But it won’t kill him. I refuse to let him do this to himself any longer,” Andrew’s mouth was set tight.

“All because he couldn’t give you a transplant?” Neil asked. 

“It’s not about that,” Andrew yelled.

Neil took a step back.

“We’re going into the Uncharted Territories. It’s going to be hard for him to find what he needs, especially at that dosage. And he would be spending money we don’t have. I refuse to let him get hurt because he’s too stupid to get himself clean. I don’t care about the transplant. It was always his choice. But I will not stand by and let him lose everything and everyone he loves over some frelling drug,” Andrew hissed.

“This is about Katelyn,” Neil said, nodding.

“No,” Andrew protested. “I barely know the woman. And who said he could get married without telling me?”

“She’s strong and fierce and she won’t roll over and let you bully her. You admire her for that,” Neil pushed.

“If anything, it’s the opposite of that,” Andrew scowled. 

“Sure,” Neil smirked.

“The ship could use another medic,” Andrew conceded. “Renee is great but she only has one pair of hands.”

Neil smiled at Andrew.

“Do not look at me like that,” he growled.

Neil laughed. 

Andrew looked a little embarrassed. “Can you stand guard for a moment? I really need to pee.”

Neil nodded and sat down a little way down the hall in a place where Aaron couldn’t see him but he would be able to see or hear if Aaron tried to get out.

He was still tired and he soon found himself dozing off a little, even in spite of Aaron’s yelling. It took him a moment to realize that the sound had stopped. He shot up to his feet but stopped when he noticed Katelyn standing at the door to the cell.

“Please, just a little bit,” Aaron pleaded softly. “I won’t tell Andrew. He doesn’t need to know.”

Katelyn shook her head. “No more, Aaron. I told you I was done.”

“Katelyn, if you ever loved me,” Aaron began.

“No! You do not get to say that to me. For so long I looked the other way and gave into you because I thought that was love. But you’re destroying yourself and I can’t watch,” Katelyn cried.

“I’ll get clean. I promise this time I will. I just need one more dose, just a little bit to help before I start withdrawal. Then I’ll be done for good,” Aaron promised.

“You’ve promised before,” she said.

“It’s different this time,” Aaron pleaded.

“What’s different?” Katelyn asked. “You loved me before. It was never enough.”

“Katelyn, I…”

“I’m leaving, Aaron. And I’m not telling you where I’m going,” Katelyn stepped back from the bars. “Don’t try to find me again.”

“It can’t be over. I’m not ready to lose you,” Aaron wept, reaching out for her.

“And I’ll never be ready to lose you,” Katelyn said. “But this is what I have to do. I can’t be this person anymore. You turn me into someone I don’t want to be. I believe you can change but the strength to do that needs to come from you.”

She turned and walked down the hallway toward Neil. Neil belatedly realized he should probably not have stayed to witness the moment when he saw Katelyn’s stricken face when she realized he was there. He didn’t know what to do.

She dissolved into silent tears and wrapped her arms around him, bending over to cry into the greasy curls on top of his head.

Neil was completely out of his depth. He had never actually seen a girl cry before. He hated it. He clumsily rubbed her back and said nothing. He knew nothing he could say would help.

Eventually her tears stopped and she pulled away from him. “Thanks,” she said.

“You don’t have to be with him to stay,” Neil blurted. “You’re welcome on Abby if that’s what you want to do.”

Katelyn slowly shook her head. “It’s too much,” she whispered. “I’d still see him everyday. And I don’t think I’m strong enough to stay away. I need to do this.”

Neil nodded. “Thank you,” he said. “You saved my life and I destroyed yours. I can’t ever repay you for that.”

Katelyn smiled at him. “I wish I could stay. I have the feeling we’d be good friends.”

Neil smiled at her. The stomping of Andrew’s boots sounded in the hallway and Katelyn quickly wiped at her eyes. “I’m going to go and talk to Coach, see if we can find a Sebacean colony in the Uncharted Territories. Hopefully I can find a home again. I’ll be glad to get away from all the Peacekeeper drama if I’m being quite honest.”

She hurried away, avoiding Andrew’s gaze. Neil just watched her go.


	8. perfect (you're my poison)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Andrew says and does things he regrets and Neil acquires an accidental bride.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Perfect, you're my poison  
I sip on you to wash down the shame  
And though I am hungover in the morning  
Facedown in the carpet I feel safe  
I am always wondering what you see  
So I quietly conceal the dark inside of me  
Sins and scars you'll never recognize  
'Cause I am the master of maintaining my disguise
> 
> _Wander, Wonder_ by The Arcadian Wild

Things were strained on the ship for a while after Neil’s capture. It took them a few days to travel somewhere Katelyn could depart. Aaron was still locked up on the lower deck, cursing anyone who came near. Andrew had initially not trusted anyone but Neil to help him guard Aaron, but after a few days of no sleep and constant noise, he admitted that he needed a little more help. 

There was a roster now, involving everyone but Seth, Allison, Jeremy and Katelyn. Seth and Allison because they could be bribed, Jeremy because he could not bear to see anyone in pain. And of course Katelyn stayed away entirely. She refused to believe that this time was real. She had watched him go through this before and she wouldn’t wait around to see if it stuck.

Neil had mixed feelings. He would have preferred to avoid involvement entirely. Nothing good ever came of getting involved. His mother would have had a fit that he was staying on one ship and seeing the same people for more than three consecutive days in a row, much less gradually forming friendships. But it was hard to remember Andrew’s pale face and the sharp spike of fear that had lodged in his gut when he found out the Peacekeeper was dying and not feel some kind of personal investment in Aaron’s recovery.

Andrew was visibly tired. Even though the others were taking up part of the burden, he still spent every waking moment outside Aaron’s cell, ignoring the abuse heaped on him by his twin brother.

Neil was in the dining hall, forcing down a much needed but definitely unwanted meal when Renee cornered him, sitting down beside him, drink in her hand, and fixing him with her gaze when he made to get up.

“We haven’t had many opportunities for conversation,” she said, her eye contact unwavering.

Neil swallowed the dry chalky crumbs in his mouth. “No, I suppose we haven’t?” he said hesitantly.

“How are you enjoying your time on Abby?” she asked, taking a sip from her delicate glass.

“It’s fine,” Neil said. “Is there something you needed?”

“You don’t like me very much, do you?” Renee stared him down.

“What? No. You’re…” Neil sputtered.

“Fine?” she asked, one delicate eyebrow arched.

Neil lapsed into silence.

“I’m not going to do anything to you, Neil. I think you’ve had a life where you’re constantly having to weigh everyone’s motives. You can’t take anyone at face value because everyone has secrets. Everyone wants something from you and your survival depends on keeping yourself separate. Is that accurate?” Renee asked gently.

Neil grudgingly nodded.

“Most people on this ship see me as I am now, as the devoted priestess and healer. I think you sometimes catch glimpses of who I was. There are things in my past that I cannot take back, nor do I wish to. They have brought me to the place I am today. I have always maintained you cannot truly understand grace unless you have once been buried under the weight of guilt.” Renee idly traced one finger around the rim of her glass, a bell-like note sounding through the room.

“Why are you telling me this?” Neil shifted a little farther away from her, hoping to gain the space to run. “I wouldn’t have said anything.”

“I’m not going to hurt you for what you know,” Renee smiled. “It does not matter what you think of me. I think your trust is a gift rarely given and I am content to wait until you have decided I’ve earned it. I say this because I know you see more in Andrew than the gruff Peacekeeper soldier who had his heart beaten and trained right out of him.”

“And if I do?” Neil glared.

“I was hoping you would help me convince him to take a break.” Renee took another sip from her glass, gazing out into the room.

“That’s it? Why don’t you tell him yourself?” Neil stubbornly shoved another bite of stale food cube into his mouth.

“I think I might have better luck if it’s coming from you,” Renee said.

Neil shrugged but shoved his plate away. He was none too keen on forcing down the rest of his meal. He’d worry about wasting it but anything left on his plate would go through the recycler and be reformed into his next meal, somehow even dryer and tasting worse.

A short and silent walk later, they found Andrew sitting a few feet down the hallway from the door to Aaron’s cell. His eyes were red and the strain on his face showed he struggled to keep them open. “What are you doing here?” he growled up at them.

“I am your relief,” Renee said, kneeling to help him up.

“No one is scheduled for another three arns,” Andrew said, crossing his arms and shrugging her away.

“And I can tell by the silence that your brother is sleeping,” Renee said sweetly. “I think he has the right idea in this one case.”

“Why’s he here?” Andrew asked, pointing at Neil.

“He’s here to make sure you actually go to your chambers and not to any of your multitude of brooding spots around the ship.” Renee’s smile turned into what was most definitely a smirk. Neil shivered. There were some things she definitely should not have picked up from Allison.

“No,” Andrew said, turning away from them and setting his face like stone.

“Andrew, you need to take a break,” Neil said.

Andrew’s face wavered but he finally nodded once. He didn’t allow Renee to help him up but he walked close to Neil down the hallway, close enough their hands brushed lightly every few steps.

“I suppose I am the one who needs a childminder now?” Andrew snorted.

“It’s not that,” Neil protested. “You’re just taking on a lot.”

“As a Peacekeeper, I was never supposed to care about family,” Andrew almost spat out the last word. “And now I have one and I know why they’re dangerous. My brother needs this, needs me. How was I supposed to do anything else?”

Neil shrugged. “He might be your brother, but you’re not the only one he has.”

“Really? Because I didn’t see anyone else do this for him. Renee wanted to wean him off. Most everyone else would have been content to allow him to keep on ruining his life so long as he used his own money and no one beside the piece of dren Peacekeeper got hurt.” Andrew stumbled slightly in exhaustion and Neil was quick to prop him up with his shoulder, leaning into the warmth of him.

“Andrew,” Neil protested.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Andrew glared at him but he was slow to reclaim the few inches between their bodies. “And you never answered my question, why are you here?”

“Renee told you, to make sure you made it to your room,” Neil answered, confused.

“Not why are you HERE,” Andrew gestured at the floor in front of him. “Why are YOU here? No one else wanted the chance to see me like this?”

“Oh,” Neil felt his cheeks getting hot. “Renee seemed to think you might listen to me?”

Andrew stopped in the hallway and looked him up and down. “Is that so?” he asked.

Neil shrugged. “I don’t know why she thinks that. I know you hate me,” he said.

“Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you,” Andrew said before gasping sharply and slapping his hand over his mouth.

Neil had to reach out and put his hand on the wall. It felt as if Abby were starbursting away, right out from under him. “You like me?” 

“No, you were right. I hate you,” Andrew said, a light pink flush standing high on his cheekbones.

“You...like me,” Neil said again, unable to stop staring at Andrew. He hadn’t even realized they had reached Andrew’s room until Andrew darted in and forced the door closed between him. Neil could still see him through the bars but Andrew took three steps to the bed and wrapped himself up in his blankets, back to Neil; no matter how long he waited, Andrew didn’t say another word.

* * *

There was noise in the hallway a few mornings later. Neil woke and rolled over, wondering if it was worth it to try to go back to sleep. He heard a high pitched squeal of excitement from Allison and gave up with a sigh. He rolled out of bed and pulled on the nearest set of clothes he could reach. Sniff test revealed he might be able to get away with it for today but he should probably do laundry soon.

“What are you yammering on about?” Neil asked, coming out of his room with a yawn.

“We’ve found a settlement,” Allison announced excitedly, her arm was wound through Jeremy’s as she pulled him along. “An independent Sebacean colony. Katelyn is thinking of staying but we’re all going to go down and check it out.”

“And where are you dragging Jeremy?” Neil asked. 

“We’re meeting new people,” Allison looked at him like he had grown another head. “We have to look our best. You should come with us, Neil, honestly. You’re about as well groomed as a Hynerian street urchin.”

Neil looked skeptical. “You don’t have to do what she says,” he said to Jeremy.

Jeremy’s cheeks turned a darker grey. “Oh, it’s...nice actually. My big sister used to do this for me. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a day to spend this way.”

“If you’re sure,” Neil said dubiously. “I think I might go find Andrew.”

A soft look stole over Allison’s face. “Neil, I don’t know what happened between you and the Peacekeeper…”

“His name’s Andrew,” Neil interrupted. “Use it.”

“We’ve all noticed he’s been avoiding you,” Allison said gently.

Neil felt his face get hot. “It’s none of your business!”

“I know. I’m not going to ask you any questions. But if he needs space, maybe you should give it to him. And besides, once we’re finished with you, you’ll look so good he’ll be following after you, begging you to get in bed with him,” Allison smirked.

Neil didn’t think his face could get any hotter but he was wrong. “That’s not...I don’t...Andrew’s...” he protested.

“Didn’t I tell you, Jeremy?” Allison purred. “Hopeless, absolutely hopeless.” 

Neil hung his head and when she let go of Jeremy to reach for his arm, he followed. They hurried him down the hall, sandwiching him between them all the way to Allison’s room.

Neil had never been in there before. It was strange. For all intents and purposes, their rooms were identical but while Neil’s had a bed and an empty dresser and clothes strewn about the floor, Allison’s was draped with fine cloth and full of delicate decorative pieces that caught the light and looked like they were made of blown glass. It was impeccably clean and somehow light and airy, even here in the middle of the ship.

Neil walked around a bit, looking at some of the art on her walls. “Where did you get all this stuff?” he asked.

“Renee mostly,” she waved her hand. “Every time we stop on a planet, she gathers dirt from the ground and puts it in Abby’s starburst chamber. When it comes out, it looks like that. No two are ever the same.”

“They’re beautiful,” Neil said, looking a little closer.

“Yes, but we’re not here for you to ogle my partner’s artistic talents. We’re here to turn you into a work of art,” Allison grinned and gestured him toward a chair that he hadn’t noticed at first. It was beside a small table that was covered with tiny bottles of every conceivable size, shape, and colour.

Neil hesitated.

“We mean you no harm,” Jeremy said softly. 

“We only seek to destroy the filth that is currently covering you,” Allison promised. She looked at him, considering for a little while longer. “No, there’s no way about it, we have to start with a cleaning.”

Neil shuddered, he had never gotten used to alien baths. They still involved being immersed in liquid but that was where the similarities stopped. Pure water was too precious to waste on anything but drinking. The fluid they used was produced naturally by Abby to lubricate moving systems. It was significantly more viscous than water, something like immersing oneself in a vat of jello. It worked but it was not fun.

Allison noticed the look on his face but completely misinterpreted it. “We won’t look,” she promised. “I know you Humans are altogether too precious about nudity.”

Neil steeled himself and allowed her to escort him into her bathing room.

She handed him an armful of clothes. “You’re not wearing those nasty clothes again either. Honestly, your entire wardrobe ought to be burned.”

The new outfit was not exactly what he was expecting; for one thing, the pants were so tight it felt like they were glued right on to his ass and thighs. The shirt also left nothing to the imagination.

“Do you have anything else?” he asked Allison as he came out into the room. “These don’t fit.”

There was a choking noise as Jeremy practically swallowed his tongue. “I think they fit just fine,” he said faintly.

Allison grinned wickedly. “Minyard is not going to know what hit him. Now sit down. We’ll start with the hair.”

Neil tensed up, not used to having anyone this close to his face. But they were very gentle. Allison was careful as she combed his hair and it only took him a minute to stop flinching at the sound of snipping near his ears. He was perhaps a little concerned with the amount of hair piling up on the floor but he didn’t say anything while she had such a sharp implement so close to him.

Jeremy used several of the bottles, taking bits of colour out on little brushes and dabbing them on Neil’s face. He was concerned about his still healing wounds but Jeremy stayed away from them, only spreading a thin layer of something that felt immediately cool and soothing.

“There,” Allison said after a surprisingly short time. “We’re finished.”

Neil stood and took a look in the mirror without saying anything. It was strange. After spending so many years trying to fade into the background, this was the look of a man trying to get noticed. His hair was shorter and styled in a way that made it shine brightly and highlighted every curl. His eyes still looked alien but in a way that made him look exotic instead of monstrous. His scars were visible, but for the first time they looked like they belonged to him, like they were part of his face instead of a deformity taking him over.

“Oh,” he said.

“That’s it?” Allison teased. “I do some of my finest work and all I get is ‘oh?’”

“Hush,” Jeremy put his hand on her shoulder. “I think that means he likes it.”

Allison rolled her eyes fondly. “You’re free to go. Don’t mess up your face before we go down to the planet.”

Andrew had been avoiding him ever since the revelation a few days ago. Neil wanted to talk to him about it but he also wanted to shove it down deep and never speak of it again. Nevertheless, he found his feet carrying him toward Aaron’s cell. If anyone asked him, he could say he was trying to figure out what to do with Aaron while the rest of them visited the planet.

Andrew’s face went white when he saw him and he looked quickly down at the floor. “What do you want?”

“I…” Neil’s mind blanked and he couldn’t think of a single word.

“You’re just in time,” Andrew said. “It’s time to let Aaron out.”

“Oh, good,” Neil said. “I wasn’t sure what the plan was for going down to the planet.”

“He’s not coming with us. Renee is going to stay and make sure he rests. I can’t take the chance that he’ll find another supplier down there, even though they’re so isolated,” Andrew said. “Is that all?”

“I was hoping we could talk...about what you said?” Neil said hesitantly.

“Have you ever recreated casually?” Andrew asked suddenly.

Neil’s face heated up. “You mean…?”

“Sexual intercourse without a relationship,” Andrew said impatiently.

“I haven’t done it at all,” Neil whispered.

“Any interest you think I might have expressed is purely physical. You are reasonably attractive for a strange alien hybrid. I have not had much opportunity for recreation since I was forced to leave the Peacekeeper ranks. That’s all it is. You’re nothing. Anything between us would be nothing.” Andrew sounded certain but he refused to look Neil in the eye.

“But Andrew…” Neil protested.

“This is why I said nothing. I knew you would not understand. You’re complicated. I don’t need any more complications.” Andrew turned. “I should let Aaron out.”

Neil left, not waiting to talk to Aaron. He did turn to see as Andrew led him out of the cell. Aaron was pale and shaking but he was no longer screaming or shouting and he leaned on Andrew instead of pushing him away.

* * *

The Sebacean colony was unlike any of the places they had visited before. Most of the buildings were dark save for a large central building that seemed to be hosting some sort of celebration. There were bright lights and colours, loud music and dancing, but unlike most of the places they had encountered such things, this place was clean, not a piece of garbage nor a speck of dirt marring the clean lines of the furniture.

It was completely overwhelming and disorienting for Neil. The rest of the crew scattered the moment they entered the building and Neil wished he had the presence of mind to grab onto one of them before they disappeared. Instead he was alone, trying to escape the dance floor and people kept coming up to him, waving tiny glass bottles at him, and trying to kiss him.

He thought he saw Andrew near a structure he assumed was the bar. He ignored another five people reaching out for him as he finally managed to wade through the crowd and reach Andrew.

He was reaching out with his hand to tap Andrew on the shoulder when Andrew leaned over the bar, grabbed the bartender by the front of his shirt, and pulled him into a deep, thorough kiss. Neil jerked back, the shock a physical pain in his stomach. Some excited reveler accidentally jostled Neil from behind, shoving him right into Andrew’s back. Andrew whirled around, angry words on his tongue, but those words died as he saw who exactly had bumped into him.

“Neil,” Andrew started.

Neil could barely hear him over the loud music but he knew exactly how his name looked on Andrew’s lips. He couldn’t think of anything to say. He gestured to the bartender, grinned what he hoped wasn’t an obviously fake smile, gave Andrew a clumsy thumbs up and disappeared back into the crowd to go find somewhere to hide or throw up or both.

He fought his way to the opposite edge of the room and spied a hallway that looked blessedly dark. He probably wasn’t meant to be here but the farther he got from the party, the more his shoulders relaxed and the less his head hurt. Eventually he stepped through a door and out onto a balcony. He took a deep breath of the cool night air and walked a little closer to the railing, looking over the surprisingly peaceful city.

“What are you doing here?” A voice came from his right, startling him.

“I’m sorry...I...um...I was just trying to get away,” Neil stammered.

A woman stepped out of the shadows. She was dressed in a simple white dress and her curly blonde hair was piled up on top of her head in the style his mom had used when she was trying to blend in when they visited Uncle Stuart in his home.

“I don’t mind,” she said softly. “I am well acquainted with escaping parties. You may stay and keep me company if you wish.”

Neil hesitated but the only other option was to head back into the party and it wasn’t one he wanted to take. “I’m Neil,” he said. “What’s your name?”

“You don’t know?” she laughed delightedly.

Neil shook his head. “Should I?”

“Are you from off world then?” she asked, her eyes glowing as she stepped closer.

“Yes, I am,” Neil said. “Is that a problem.”

“No, no, of course not. It’s just...will you kiss me?” she asked.

“What?” Neil pulled back. “I still don’t even know your name.”

“Oh, it’s Laila,” she said. “But please. You don’t even know what you would be doing for me.” She held out a small glass vial, identical to the ones he had seen on the dance floor.

“Is that a drug?” he asked suspiciously.

“No, nothing like that,” she promised. “It tests compatibility, that’s all.”

Neil was about to refuse but he remembered the sight of Andrew kissing the bartender and spite was a powerful emotion.

“One kiss,” he said.

She nodded. She pulled a little dropper out of the vial and touched it to her tongue and then to his. Then she leaned in and pressed her tongue to his just briefly, pulled back, and then leaned in again to claim his lips, leaving a strange sweet aftertaste in his mouth.

He had kissed someone before. His mother had beaten him for allowing a person so close. He had quickly come to the conclusion that no kiss was worth the punishment from his mother. This kiss was the same, weirdly wet and altogether underwhelming, but Laila backed away from him with an awed expression on her face.

“It’s sweet!” she cried. “It’s sweet! Come, you must meet my mother.” She grabbed him by the hand tightly and dragged him off the balcony, down the hallway, through a door he hadn’t noticed earlier, and up a long staircase. They arrived in another room, high above the celebration below with a railing where people could stand and watch the party without being down in the sweat and heat.

Laila pulled him until he was standing in front of a low, luxurious couch where several people in elaborate outfits were lounging. There was a young man who looked quite similar to Laila, but where her mouth was soft and smiled easily, his had a petulance to it that made Neil dislike him instantly. A woman sat by his head, feeding him from a bowl of some kind of fruit. She was darker than most Sebacean women he had seen with black hair and deep brown eyes. An older woman was slightly separate from them. She was wearing elaborate clothing and had a silver headpiece crowning her curls. The regal way she regarded him at his approach made him aware that this was some kind of royalty. She sat up at their approach, studying Neil’s face with a sharp eye.

“Mother,” Laila said. “Meet Neil. He is going to be my husband.”

“What?” Neil asked. “W...what?”

* * *

Neil hated shouting, particularly when it was a room full of people all shouting at once, and even more so when the person they were angry at was him.

“Seriously, what the hell were you thinking, Neil?” Kevin yelled. “We’re trying to hide from the Peacekeepers. That means we need to lay low and not make waves and we definitely don’t go and join some random Sebacean aristocracy.”

“Well how was I supposed to know, really?” Neil yelled back. “I saw several of you locking lips with Sebaceans and none of you are coming away with royal spouses.”

“That is not the point,” Nicky jumped in. “How could you do this to Andrew?”

Attention shifted from Neil to the blond sitting in the corner. He was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, cold amusement displayed on his face.

“What?” Neil asked.

“Well aren’t you two together now?” Nicky asked.

“The frell are you talking about, Nicky?” Neil exploded. “Besides, why are you getting mad at me? Andrew started it by kissing that bartender. And I don’t care that he kissed him because Andrew and I aren’t together!”

“Andrew,” Nicky said reproachfully.

Andrew shrugged. “We’ve been in space a long time. And you’re losing sight of the point. One of us is engaged to marry the princess of this planet and it sure isn’t me.”

Allison came up to Neil and draped herself over his shoulders. “I think it was well done. I knew you would catch the eye of someone important looking like that.”

“I think we should leave,” Jean said, arm tight around Jeremy’s shoulders. “You haven’t signed anything. There was no contract made in blood. They cannot hold us here and we should get out before they try.”

“It’s too late,” Neil sighed heavily. “They already put a guard on the door.”

Dan was standing on the edge of the room, working on communicating with Abby and Coach. “It’s no good, anyway,” she said, an uncharacteristic fear painted on her face. “They’re gone. I can’t get them on the comms. They’re out of reach of the signal.”

Neil winced as another explosion of shouting filled the room again.

“Hey, where’s Katelyn?” he asked after a moment.

Everyone fell silent as they looked around.

“When was the last time anyone saw her?” Dan asked.

“She went up to the bar when I did,” Andrew said. “But I got...distracted and I haven’t seen her since.”

Neil scowled when he recalled Andrew’s distraction but it was mostly overtaken by worry for Katelyn. “You don’t think she would have found a ship and headed off planet already, do you?”

The question was met with shrugs.

They weren’t left wondering for long as a few moments later, Katelyn snuck in through the door in a bartender’s uniform. “Why are you all looking at me like that?” she asked. “I heard a rumour that Neil had gotten himself into trouble and I thought I would do a little recon to see just how frelled we are.”

“Do I want to know the answer to that question?” Neil asked.

“The answer is ‘very.’” Katelyn said solemnly. “The princess Laila is due to ascend to the throne within three solar days but in order to do so, she needs a spouse who is genetically compatible. If she does not, the throne will pass to her younger brother, Reacher, a man with questionable allies and even more questionable morals.”

“But why me?” Neil asked. “There must be plenty of men on this planet who would be compatible considering they’re actually the same species as she is.”

“There is a rumor going around among the palace staff that Reacher found a way to poison his sister’s DNA so she could not procreate with any Sebacean. Very little of your DNA is Sebacean. You must be just different enough that your DNA is compatible,” Katelyn said. 

“That’s…” Neil felt lightheaded and sunk toward the ground. “...a lot to process.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kevin said. “We need to leave. Riko is likely still chasing us, or worse, Wesninksi has picked up the chase. We have already stayed here much too long.”

“Get it through your frelling head.” Andrew whirled on Kevin, slamming him bodily into the wall. “We’re not going anywhere if Abby is gone. For the time being it’s probably best not to upset the locals.”

“You mean...you want me to marry this princess?” Neil asked, that same pit in his stomach that had formed when he saw Andrew kissing that bartender rose up into his throat to choke him.

“It’s your choice, Neil,” Andrew said. “I don’t get to have an opinion.”

A knock at the door interrupted their argument. Neil stood up straight as one of the guards walked into the room.

“Your presence is requested by Empress Rhemann,” the guard said, looking down his nose at Neil.

Neil could see Matt and Nicky opening their mouths to protest but he held up a hand to stall their outrage. “It would be my honour,” he said.

“Alone,” the guard specified as the rest of the crew began to gather their things.

“We should go with him,” Kevin protested.

“You do not trust our royal soldiers? For such an affront, the punishment is death,” the guard said, staring Kevin down.

Neil shot them all a look. “I’ll be fine,” he said.

* * *

The actual throne room was far nicer than the upper floor of the building where he had first encountered the royal family. There were no couches for lounging here. Only one piece of furniture graced the room, the large throne, ornately covered in thinly hammered gold, and in it sat the Empress, back straight and features imposing.

“I must say, you are not exactly what I was expecting,” Rhemann said, one eyebrow gracefully raised.

Neil didn’t really know what to say to that but he had the sudden urge to fling his arms out wide and yell “ta da!” He thought it might not go over well.

“We should be able to at least minimize the scarring,” she mused. “And we’ll have some time to figure out what to do about your eyes. We’ll be able to erase that gene from your offspring, of course.”

“Excuse me?” Neil asked. He was just starting to be able to accept himself as he was and now this woman wanted to change his appearance again.

“I am not thrilled about the idea of my daughter marrying so far beneath her,” Rhemann said coldly. “You could at least try not to look like a...like a convict.”

“Under further consideration,” Neil said, icily polite, “I believe I will not be marrying your daughter after all.”

“I thought you might say that,” Rhemann said. Standing gracefully she crossed to a smooth orb embedded in the wall. She placed her hand on it and when she did so, a hologram formed in front of Neil.

He shuddered and his hand went to his cheek as he recognized the face of Nathan Wesninski. “A reward is offered for the capture of one Neil Josten, the Leviathan ship known as Abby, and the rest of her crew. If you have information regarding these persons of interest, please contact Peacekeeper command immediately.”

Rhemann shut off the hologram. “He continues on with a more detailed description, enough that I can be positive you are the one he speaks of.”

“I suppose if I refuse to marry Laila, you will turn me over to him?” Neil asked.

“As a member of our royal family, you, and by extension your crew, are offered a certain measure of protection on this planet. If you do not choose to become a part of the royal family, I will be forced to lift that protection.” Rhemann sat once more on the throne and stared Neil down.

“We’ll leave,” he said. “Nathan is far away. He will not reach us before we starburst away.”

“You have no starburst. Your ship has left you. And Wesninski entered the atmosphere about forty microts ago. You have no options besides marriage or imprisonment.”

“I might have stayed of my own volition if you had not tried to change my face or resorted to blackmail to keep me here,” Neil said. “But I will not allow you to harm my crew.”

“Excellent. Laila is waiting for you. Follow the guard and he will take you to her,” Rhemann clapped her hands once sharply and the same guard came rushing in.

A wordless exchange happened between the guard and the Empress and the guard rushed off without waiting to see if Neil was following.

Laila smiled at him when he walked through the door. She was standing in a strange metal circle in the center of the room while two people in white robes muttered over a control panel. “You’re just in time,” Laila said.

“For what?” Neil asked.

“Here, just stand here,” Laila said, stepping out of the circle and directing Neil to stand where she had been. She nodded to the people at the control panel and they pressed a few more buttons. Neil didn’t notice anything happen. 

“All finished,” Laila said. “Would you like to see our potential children?”

“What?” Neil asked.

“They have taken our genetic information and they can combine it in different ways to show us what our children will look like.” Laila smiled at him and came back to stand with him in the circle.

A light shimmered around them and a baby began to materialize in Laila’s arms. At first Neil thought he was looking at a hologram but when he reached out, it felt like a flesh and blood baby.

“This is one possibility,” Laila said. She turned to the two technicians. “Can you age this one up, please?”

One of them nodded and hit a few more buttons. The baby dematerialized and then rematerialized in between them. The boy stood at a height just level with Neil’s hip. He had murky green eyes and curly blond hair like his mother.

“What about the red?” Laila asked. She reached out and carefully brushed a curl off Neil’s forehead. “Can you change the settings so he gets his hair from his father?”

The child morphed a little, blond curls turning red like someone lit them with a match. And then Neil could see how much this child resembled him. He had never wanted to be a father. In fact if anyone had ever suggested the idea to him he would have run far and fast to avoid it. His own father was an evil man who beat his wife and child and also happened to be a mass murderer. With that kind of example, how could Neil ever hope to grow up to be a good father?

“Would you like to see a girl?” Laila asked.

Neil could only nod. The little girl didn’t look much different than the boy. She had his hair again and also his nose. She looked up at him and smiled and Neil was suddenly struck by how much she looked like his mother, even though he had never seen an expression so open or trusting on her face before.

Before he could force it back, a single tear fell from his eye.

“I know, it is quite an experience seeing what could be. I think we will have beautiful children, Neil. This isn’t going to be all bad.” Laila’s face grew wistful for a moment but she pulled herself together and nodded once more to the two technicians. The light faded and she stepped out of the circle. Neil followed her out of the door. She grasped him lightly by the arm and the guard fell into step behind them.

“Have you given any thought to the pose for your statue?” she asked after a few moments. 

“Uh,” Neil raised his hand in a parody of the Queen Elizabeth II’s wave. “Maybe something like this?”

Laila frowned. “That might be difficult to hold for 80 cycles,” she said.

“Wait, what?” Neil asked.

“Did no one explain this to you?” she asked.

Neil could only shake his head wordlessly.

“The rules and customs of our courts are very complex. In order for us to become wise rulers, we preside over the court as statues for 80 cycles, listening and learning,” Laila explained.

“80 cycles?” Neil asked in horror. “As in 80 trips around your star?”

“Yes, precisely,” Laila said. 

Neil could feel his breath coming shorter and quicker. He didn’t know what to do. He needed to run but there was nowhere to go. The thought of spending 80 years as a statue, unable to move or speak, sounding like the worst kind of torture.

“Neil, are you alright?” Laila sounded as if she were speaking from the end of a long, dark tunnel.

“Can you get me to my room?” he gasped.

“Of course,” she said, her brow furrowed. “But are you sure you don’t need medical attention?”

Neil managed to shake his head but started walking more quickly down the hall.

It seemed both a moment later and forever after that they arrived at the door to his rooms.

“Are you sure I can’t…”

“I’m fine,” Neil said. “I just need a moment alone.” He shut the door in her face.

He stumbled over to the bed, sat down and bent over double until he was breathing into his knees. He clasped the back of his neck with his left hand, trying to recreate Andrew’s grounding touch, but it wasn’t enough. He counted his breaths, trying to slow them down but he was quickly losing his ability to think rationally.

A crack sounded from deeper into the room as another door he hadn’t noticed collapsed inward and three men piled out of what was probably a small bathroom or a large closet. Two of them rushed forward and grabbed Neil by the arms. The third stood in front of him and punched him several times in succession in the stomach and ribs. Whatever precious air Neil had managed to gulp in the midst of his panic was forced from his lungs.

“You are not our king.” One of them leaned down and spat in his face.

The man who had punched him pulled out an unfamiliar weapon and pointed it at Neil. Neil couldn’t see anything happening but it grew hot and it felt like the flesh and bones of his face were rearranging, pulling apart, stretching to the breaking point. He screamed as everything went dark.


	9. I'll take the bullet (but not the blame)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Neil gets married and loses his head.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Whisper to me  
Let the air inside you  
Be your lesson  
Start with a word  
You know will make  
The ultimate impression  
Words lie between  
The feelings we  
Can now no longer say  
Forget  
The repartee  
I'll take the bullet  
But not the blame  
Did you expect  
I'd never know her name  
I feel her blood  
Course through my veins  
I'll take the bullet  
But not the blame
> 
> -_ The Bullet_ by Caro Emerald

Neil opened his eyes and saw a familiar face hovering over him. “Drew?” 

Andrew hadn’t looked particularly worried but Neil could see his face relax when he realized Neil was conscious.

“So you’re going to do it,” Andrew said, standing up and backing away.

Neil pulled himself slowly to his feet, every part of his body aching from whatever that weapon had done to him. “Wesninski has found us. The only reason he hasn’t grabbed me and killed all of you already is because we are under royal protection. That royal protection ends the moment I refuse the proposal. I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice,” Andrew scoffed. “You could run, you could fight.”

“Did Abby come back?” Neil asked.

Andrew hesitated but shook his head.

“You want to take our chances running on an unfamiliar planet with nothing but a transport pod? It’s only a matter of time before Wesninski runs us down. And we wouldn’t make it far in open space. Even if he didn’t swoop in immediately with his command carrier, we would have limited supplies and limited range and he would just have to bide his time and scoop us up. I am doing this for you,” Neil yelled.

“I would never ask this of you.” Andrew’s eyes burned with a fierce emotion that Neil couldn’t, wouldn’t recognize.

“Yeah, well, you lost any say when you decided I was nothing,” Neil said bitterly. 

Andrew’s face paled a little but his mouth hardened in a stubborn line. “I’m not coming to your wedding.”

Neil shrugged. “I don’t want you there.”

“I’m going on a trip with Roland, the, uh...the man I... He says he is quite the hiker and mountain climber. If I find a good hiding place…” Andrew trailed off.

“You’ll what, haul my statue out of here? Let me gather moss in some cave? Go have fun with your bartender boy toy. Forget about me.” Neil turned his back on Andrew.

“I don’t know what you mean by boy toy but I understand your intent,” Andrew said calmly. “You mean to wound me. But in order for you to do so, I have to first care about what you think of me.”

“Why did you even come here?” Neil asked. “You’ve made it very clear you don’t really care about me. Just go on your camping trip and forget you ever met me.”

“That was the plan. I just happened to be walking by and I heard the noise of a struggle. Never thought I’d have to apologize for saving your life,” Andrew said, face frighteningly blank.

“I think you should leave,” Neil said, unable to look Andrew in the eye.

“Fine,” Andrew said.

“Fine.” Neil kept his back to Andrew in silence and didn’t turn until he heard the door close.

* * *

Neil had never planned to get married. Being in a relationship involving that level of vulnerability and intimacy had not even been on his radar. But yet here he was, being practically sewn into an outfit so elaborate he could have used the money it took to make it to live on for at least ten years, with the knowledge sitting in his stomach like a rock that this was where his run ended.

This colony seemed to have none of earth’s superstitions about weddings and so he and Laila ended up in a smaller room off the throne room, waiting for their cues during the ceremony. The woman he had seen with Laila’s brother at the party was standing close to Laila and fixing her hair. They spoke softly so Neil couldn’t hear what they were saying. The other woman kissed Laila’s hand and then pulled back.

Finally, Laila turned to him. She smiled but Neil could tell it was more out of obligation than happiness to see him. “This is Sara,” she said. “My...friend.”

Sara gripped his offered hand and Neil winced at the strength of her grip. “You will be good to her.”

Neil nodded.

“Sara, you should go,” Laila murmured. “Reacher will be wondering why you aren’t with him.”

Sara nodded, shot another glare at Neil and left the two of them alone.

“If this isn’t what you want…” Neil gestured helplessly toward the door.

“I wish I didn’t have to drag you into this but I also have no choice. If I do not marry someone with whom I can produce an heir by my 21st name day, the throne will pass to my brother and I will not willingly allow that to happen. If there were any other option, I would take it.” Whatever else she was going to say was interrupted by the guard at the door.

Neil hardly noticed the ceremony passing. He didn’t have a lot of input anyway. He had to stand where he was told and look like he was paying attention while Laila spoke her vows and then say yes when asked if he agreed. It was a small ceremony. Empress Rhemann was in the place of honour in the front row with Reacher and Sara sitting beside her. The members of Neil’s crew were there—most of them anyway. Andrew’s absence was weighing on him and he refused to think too hard about why it bothered him so much.

He tried to look calm when they led him toward the end of the room where he would be spending the next 80 cycles, but he was not entirely certain he managed to pull it off. He stood in the position he had chosen, tall and still with his face composed and one hand clasping the other wrist.

It hurt. They hadn’t told him how much it would hurt, like every cell in his body boiled away in an instant. He couldn’t stop himself from reacting and when his body finally hardened, his arms were held up to protect his face and he was shrinking away from the pain.

“Oh, that is unfortunate,” the Empress remarked, her voice distant and curiously metallic as it filtered through the statue’s ears. He could even see her so long as she was in his field of vision. Everything was dimmer and he was seeing it through a gold filter but he was not deaf and blind as he had feared. “The things we do to ensure the continuity of the line. At least the scars are much less visible in bronze.”

Neil wanted to give her a piece of his mind and the fact that he could not was worse than the pain of becoming a statue in the first place.

“Can he hear us?” Matt asked. “Does he know we’re here?”

“Yes, of course,” Rhemann said. “He can even speak to you if you listen through this.” She held up a box and placed it against the side of Neil’s head.

Matt stepped forward. “Neil, are you there?”

“Where else would I be?” Neil thought petulantly.

“Oh!” Matt said. “It works!”

If Neil could roll his eyes, he would.

“Neil, this is Dan.” Dan stepped forward next.

“Yes, I know. I can see you,” Neil thought at her.

“Oh, I wasn’t sure…” her voice trailed off. She cleared her throat. “Coach and Abby have not yet returned. But when they do…”

“You need to keep running,” Neil replied.

“We don’t want to leave you here,” she explained. “But we don’t know how long this will buy us protection.”

Allison snatched the speaker out of Dan’s hand. “Well, it’s not exactly what I envisioned, but I did say I’d get you laid.”

Neil suddenly wished he could scream in frustration. It took him a moment but finally he managed to reply calmly. “This isn’t exactly the outcome I was expecting.”

“You’re so diplomatic.” Allison teased. “I guess that comes with the job description.”

“Frell you,” Neil said.

“That’s more like it. Stay strong, love.” Allison leaned over and pressed a kiss on his cheekbone. 

“Wait,” Neil said as she moved to pass the speaker on to Jeremy. “Did Andrew...is he coming back?”

A sad look flitted across Allison’s face. “Andrew made his choice, Neil. I’m sorry.”

Jeremy took the speaker from her, dragging a furiously blushing Jean behind him. “I feel like we hardly got a chance to know each other but thanks. I’d be in the early stages of losing myself and becoming a mindless drone if it weren’t for you.”

“Uh...you’re welcome?” Neil said.

Jean placed a heavy hand on his shoulder and if Neil concentrated, he could feel the warmth. “Yeah, uh...you too, buddy,” Neil said.

Seth was next. “I have no need to say goodbye because I’m not leaving. I have missed the day to day royal intrigue and they have offered me a position as your advisor. Someone needs to protect your interests.”

“That seems uncharacteristically charitable,” Neil replied.

“They’re paying me,” Seth said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. “I’ll be living richly, enjoying the best food and accommodations that this planet has to offer and in return all I have to do is childmind your frelling statue.”

“There it is,” Neil said.

Katelyn snatched the speaker from Seth’s hands. “I’m staying too,” she said. “I’m not sure how long and I won’t be able to visit much. But you won’t have to say goodbye just yet.”

“Thank you,” Neil said. He couldn’t cry but if he were able, this would have tipped him over.

There was an awkward pause as no one knew what else to stay.

A guard entered the room then. “None of you are authorized to be here when court is not in session,” he growled. “Please exit the premises.”

There was no more time for talking. They all looked back at Neil sadly but no one had any more to say and soon it was just him and the statue of his wife.

“Laila?” he thought at her hesitantly. He was met with only silence. Not only did he have 80 years of this but by the time he emerged, his wife was going to be just as much of a stranger to him as she was going in.

“Yes?” she asked after he had given up hope of getting a reply.

“You can hear me?” he asked, relief strong enough that he might not have stayed on his feet were he still flesh.

“Of course,” she said. “We need to be able to discuss the things we experience. However, I would prefer to keep myself in a meditative state when our attention is not required.”

“You can do that?” Neil asked. He didn’t receive an answer. Time crawled by without a sound from the room around them. There was no clock in view and honestly, Neil couldn’t decide if that was good or bad. He was going to go mad either way. He tried to shut his brain off, go to sleep, anything, but he had no idea how to go about it. He imagined his nose was itching and he was already ready to scream. How he was going to manage 80 more cycles of this, he had no idea.

The door behind him creaked open and soft footsteps echoed in the quiet room. Neil couldn’t turn around and his sense of danger was blasting alarms in his head.

“Look at him.” The man behind him finally came around so Neil could see his face. It was Reacher, Laila’s brother, the rage he had been barely concealing throughout the entire marriage ceremony now scrawled across his face like a child’s scribble of crayon. “This piece of dren will be on the throne while I have nothing.”

Another voice spoke from behind Neil, this one rough and grating. “Perhaps this is what you deserve. After all, I have given you every opportunity to seize power and you have failed at every turn. I poisoned your sister’s DNA and she found a husband anyway. I provided you with the weapons and the men to take him out and he survived. Tell me, Reacher, why should I trust you to get the job done? Maybe I should see how deep this man’s Scarren thread runs; if I can recruit him to my cause, I won’t need you.”

Reacher yelled in Neil’s face, spittle flying from his open mouth. “This is all your fault,” he screamed, striking Neil’s face with an open hand.

Neil barely felt the blow but the sound reverberated through the room and Reacher yelped and cradled his hand to his chest, whining about the pain.

“Your display of impotence is not convincing if you want another chance,” the other mocked, finally stepping into Neil’s view. Neil’s blood went cold. This was the first full blooded Scarren he had seen. He recognized the eyes but had only seen the powerful, scaled form, and the reptilian head in pictures.

“If you can recruit him,” Reacher pouted. “He strikes me as the type with principles and then you’ll be no closer to gaining control over the disputed territory. Help me get on the throne and once I am there, I will grant you what you want.”

The Scarren grimaced. “You are not indispensable but I will give you one more chance.” He pulled a thin silver cylinder from his pocket and pointed it at Neil. Neil felt a muted ticklish sensation at his neck. He could see wisps of smoke rising from below his field of vision. Then he tilted and fell and Reacher caught him in his hands and Neil realized he was facing his now-headless body.

“If you thought this was going to kill him, you’re wrong,” Reacher pouted. “As long as he’s in statue form, we could cut him into a dozen pieces and he would still be alive. They broke my grandfather in half once and he was fine when he woke up. Although he always walked with a slight limp.”

“And what if you dissolve him into nothing?” the Scarran sneered. “Throw him in the acid vats in the foundry. A few hours and there will be nothing left.”

“And you’re certain they won’t be able to find anyone else?” Reacher asked. “Your DNA poisoning already failed once.”

The Scarran raised one hand and pointed it at Reacher. Neil could feel heat radiating in their direction. Reacher’s face went pale and sweat beaded on his brow and he staggered back, almost dropping Neil’s head. “It is you who should be concerned about the possibility of failure. You will not receive another chance from me.”

Reacher nodded and wrapped Neil’s head in his cloak so Neil couldn’t see or hear where they were going. Reacher carried him for what felt like forever but probably wasn’t actually that long before finally unveiling him in a dark place with large vats interspersed throughout.

“Goodbye, Neil,” Reacher said, tossing him into one of the vats.

Neil was alone, a faint hissing sound in his ear. This was it for him. If he was going to die, at least it wouldn’t hurt.


	10. some bridges are made of marble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Neil says yes and means it.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Some bridges are made of marble  
You follow traces laid out for you  
Some bridges are leaps of faith  
You have to find your own way across the water  
Into your lover's arms  
Where nothing will do you no harm  
Bridges from the heart  
Never keeps us apart
> 
> _ Bridges_ by Eivør

Dying was boring. Seriously. Neil had never been one to watch a lot of movies but he would have done anything to take his mind off the slow passage of time as his head slowly dissolved in acid. He wondered if his features were gone yet and if he could still be recognized. If someone came along right now, would they know what his head was and fish it out or shrug and go on with their duties.

A sound broke through his depressed musings and he wished he had some way of making his head bob around so he could see what was coming. A wire mesh dropped in front of him and he was dragged over the edge of the vat. His head hit the floor with a loud clang. He still couldn’t see anything but a pair of shoes. He didn’t recognize them but then again, he probably wouldn’t have recognized anyone by their shoes. A stream of what he hoped was water poured over his head, rinsing him off thoroughly before he was once again swaddled in cloth and carried off.

This time it was definitely hours before he was moved again. When the cloth came off he was surprised to once again see the throne room. His head was placed back on his body and carefully aligned. The person who saved him still hadn’t spoken a word to him but they carefully repositioned his head several times before they were satisfied and once again, Neil’s body boiled with agony.

His body went limp and collapsed to the floor. He thought he recognized Sara before it all went black.

* * *

Neil had no idea where he was when he woke up. He was no longer in the throne room. It was hot and bright and he had the worst hangover of his life. It took him some time but he dragged his eyes open enough to look around and see that he was lying in a tent and if the nature sounds he heard around him were any indication, nowhere near anything resembling royalty.

“You’re awake then,” Sara spoke from the doorway. “Fingers and toes move alright? I couldn’t be sure I’d reattached you properly.”

Neil rolled over and buried his head in the pillow. “Fuck me,” he moaned.

“Not to offend you but you’re not exactly my type,” Sara said. She dropped the food she was carrying by the door and came over to Neil. She pushed him over onto his back and stood staring down at him. “Fingers and toes. Move them.”

“It’s a figure of speech,” Neil said, fighting against an almost overwhelming weariness to wiggle to her satisfaction. “Woe is me? My life stinks? Can I ever get a break?”

“Stop whining. I think I got all the nerves reattached. It could have gone a lot worse for you,” Sara turned her back on him and picked up her basket of food once more. She brought it close to him and then sat cross-legged by his head. The gentleness in her hands was at odds with her brusque manner as she carefully propped up his head and fed him a clear broth one sip at a time. By the time she set his head back on the pillow, he was exhausted. “Sleep,” she ordered. “We’ll plot once you’ve had some rest.”

Neil didn’t even have the strength to agree. He faded back into sleep on the next breath.

* * *

Neil felt better when he woke up. There was still a nagging ache behind his eyes but he sat up and felt almost back to his old self. If he felt like that after a few hours as a statue, there was no telling how he would feel after 80 cycles.

Sara was not in the tent. He pulled himself to standing and only wobbled a tiny bit. He pushed open the door of the tent to see Sara sitting by a fire on the shore of a small lake. She didn’t look at him when he lowered himself to the sand beside her.

“I need you to tell me what’s going on,” he said.

She sighed and rubbed her hands up and down her arms. “It’s complicated.”

“Try me,” Neil said firmly.

“I’m here under false pretences. Peacekeeper command knew that the succession was in doubt and that the Scarrans would make a play for an alliance and a door into this territory. I was sent here to get close to Reacher so if he became king, I would be in a position to sway him toward a Peacekeeper alliance,” Sara said.

“And you never expected to fall in love with the princess instead?” Neil guessed.

“How did you…?” Sara glared at him.

“It’s easier to survive if you always know who your enemies...and your friends are,” Neil shrugged.

“Right, so yes, I fell for the princess and absolutely would have been willing to court her but…” Sara trailed off.

“You’re a woman?” Neil guessed.

“What the frell does that have to do with anything?” Sara asked.

“I thought she could only marry someone who could give her an heir,” Neil frowned.

“Yes,” Sara spoke slowly, as if he were a very small and very stupid child. “Haven’t you figured out yet that this colony doesn’t use crude Sebacean methods of procreation? It’s all done in a lab. Half the genetic material comes from each parent. It doesn’t matter if both those parents are female.”

“They don’t have sex?” Neil asked.

Sara grinned wickedly at him. “Of course they do. But they do it for fun. No, I can’t marry her because I am not compatible. The DNA poisoning was complete.”

Neil nodded and looked back over the lake. “So what do we do now? Go back and turn me into a statue again and hope nobody tries to behead me again?”

Sara’s face grew hard. “No,” she spat. “Reacher has chewed up the last of my mercy. I am authorized to take him out if I cannot change his mind by more diplomatic means.”

“Why save me?” Neil asked. 

“Laila cannot rule alone. She cares so much for her people. She will be a great queen. I want to give her that chance,” Sara said. “Besides, I may need help from your allies. I cannot take out that Scarran alone and I cannot trust that the royal army is not loyal to Reacher. If I save you, I increase my chances of getting them on my side.”

Neil nodded and gazed back over the water.

“I have your belongings. You can contact your crew whenever you wish,” Sara said after a while.

Neil scrambled to his feet. “Why didn’t you say so sooner?”

Sara rolled her eyes at him but handed him his comm.

“This is Neil Josten,” he spoke into it. “Have you got your ears on?”

“Can people take their ears off on your planet?” Dan’s voice came through, loud and puzzled.

“What? No? It’s a…”

“Figure of speech,” several voices chorused over the comm. Neil laughed and for the first time since they had landed on this planet, he could let go of the worry and fear for just an instant.

“I can see you didn’t miss me at all,” Neil said.

“We’re really glad you’re not decapitated!” Matt said brightly. “Or can humans remove their entire head as well as their ears?”

“I’m not decapitated,” Neil shook his head. “But that’s not why I called. Who’s ready to raise a little hell?”

* * *

They gathered in Sara’s quarters. “I’ve got Reacher trained. He knows he isn’t allowed to come find me here. I only go to him,” she smirked.

Neil was too busy being mobbed by his crew mates. Nicky had wrapped himself around Neil like an octopus and refused to let go. Allison was aggressively running her fingers through Neil’s hair and muttering about the drying effects of being turned into a statue. Everyone else had a hand on him somewhere or was talking right at him. Andrew was still conspicuously absent. So was Katelyn, but Neil wasn’t particularly surprised. Even if she was still on world, he didn’t assume she wanted to drag out her goodbyes.

“As happy as you all are to see me again, we do have a situation we really need to deal with.” Neil finally managed to pull himself back from his friends suffocating affection.

“I am going to rip that Scarran apart,” Jean said calmly.

Everyone stopped to stare at him.

“Just because I have a little more self control than the average Luxan doesn’t mean I am not livid that he tried to murder one of our own,” Jean said.

“You’re right to be angry,” Dan said, “but I don’t think we should just rush in.”

“You are correct,” a new voice came from the door. Neil recoiled, the lump of fear in his stomach threatening to rise up and choke him. Nathan Wesninski stood there, staring at them all, misshapen face alight with malice and madness. “You should really have all the information first.”

“Frell you,” Dan hissed. “You’re here for Neil and you cannot have him.”

“This is a sticky situation,” Nathan hummed. “Reacher turned on the Scarran and the Scarran killed him. Empress Rhemann is looking for a traitor and if she does not find one, she will turn on the outsiders. You do not have time to waste arguing over whether or not to trust me.”

“We don’t have to argue,” Matt growled. “We simply don’t trust you.”

“The Scarran knows that Neil is alive and can expose him. He is looking for you,” Nathan continued, unaffected by Matt’s hostility.

“Well good, let him find me,” Neil glared. “When he comes, we will kill him.”

“You should be asking yourself the right questions. How will he find you?” Nathan grinned smugly.

“There is something you’re not telling us,” Dan said.

“There is something you haven’t noticed,” Nathan smirked. “When is the last time you saw Katelyn?”

Everyone stopped, anger replaced by confusion and then by concern.

“The Scarran has her. He will torture her until he finds out where you are and he will kill her. If you wait for him to come to you, it will be too late for her. Now all that unpleasantness can be avoided if I simply tell you where they are,” Nathan said.

A cold chill ran down Neil’s spine. “What do you want?” he asked.

“What I’ve always wanted, the knowledge trapped in your head. I’ll tell you where your friend and then I’ll help you get off world. You won’t have to spend any more time as a statue. Once I have what I came for, you can leave a free man,” Nathan promised.

“We rescue Katelyn first,” Neil said. “I will be assured of her safety. And none of my crew is to be harmed. They will also be taken off world and let off anywhere they choose.”

“Of course. I don’t have any use for them,” Nathan said.

Nicky grasped Neil’s wrist tightly. “Don’t do this,” he said.

Neil took a deep breath. “We have a deal. Tell me where Katelyn is.”

“It’s better if I show you,” Nathan said. He held up a hand when everyone stood to follow. “A large group like this running through the halls will be highly suspicious. I’ll take Neil and Sara. The rest of you hang back. You will not save your friend if you end up on Empress Rhemann’s chopping block.”

“No,” Dan protested. “How will we know that you will keep your word if you separate us?”

“If you do not comply, I will not take you and your friend will die,” Nathan crossed his arms and refused to budge from his place blocking the doorway.

“I’ll be fine,” Neil said. “Stand down, Dan.”

Dan hesitated but handed him her weapon. “If you’re going, you’re not going in unarmed.”

Neil didn’t recognize the hallway but he recognized the destination. The Scarran was in the foundry. Katelyn was in chains hanging over one of the vats and he had his hand outstretched, sending a visible wave of heat toward her.

“I don’t know where he is, you have to believe me,” Katelyn begged. Her face was red and bone dry. Her eyes were glazed and she twitched as she hung there.

Neil didn’t even think; he stepped out into the open. “I’m here,” he said. 

The Scarran’s face stretched in a parody of a smile and he spun to direct his heat wave at Neil instead. Neil choked and staggered back as the heat hit him but he was soon able to push back against it. The Scarran seemed surprised as Neil raised his weapon. He pushed more heat at Neil but Neil didn’t let it stop him. He fired several short blasts at the Scarran, who whirled and ran.

“Get Katelyn down,” Neil shouted to Sara as he and Nathan began to give chase. In the end, it was rather anticlimactic. Neil kept the Scarran’s attention and Nathan managed to get around behind him. Neil fired several more blasts into the Scarran’s chest and he staggered back. Nathan shot at his ankles which overbalanced him and sent him flying into a vat of acid. While Neil’s statue form had hardly been touched by the acid, a Scarran’s hide, although thick, could not hope to survive it.

“Well done…son,” Nathan said, turning to face Neil.

Neil kept his weapon raised and aimed it squarely at Nathan’s chest. “I may have promised to come with you but that promise is null and void if you’re dead.”

Nathan smirked, not a bit of fear showing on his face. “Go ahead then, pull the trigger.”

Neil glared and tightened his finger but it was if his hand was not his own. He could not fire. He strode forward, dropping the gun, and grasped Nathan around the neck, pushing him backward to the edge of the vat. But he could only push him so far before his muscles betrayed him. Nathan stood, perfectly calm, and let him do it.

“Why can’t I kill you?” Neil shouted in rage and terror.

Nathan grinned wide, his mouth a black hole in the near darkness. “When I had you in my aurora chair, I didn’t just take memories, I gave you a gift as well, a little neural clone of myself. It’s been sending threads out through your brain, finding out everything you know, storing it so when I pull it out, you won’t be able to hide anything from me ever again. It is that clone that stays your hand.”

“I’ll get it removed,” Neil said. “I’ll destroy it. You’ll never have what it’s learned.”

Nathan laughed. “Already it’s running through your mind and destroying this memory. You won’t remember a word I’ve just said.”

“Yes I will. I’ll remember and I’ll take it out,” Neil said, one hand coming up to rub at his temple.

“Take what out?” Nathan asked.

“The neural...the n...the...the…,” Neil stuttered, fighting to remember what he’d been about to say. It was gone and he could not retrieve it. Voices grew louder behind them and a shot was fired, hitting the ground next to Nathan’s foot. 

“Until next time,” Nathan patted Neil’s cheek and disappeared into the darkness leaving Neil wondering what had just happened.

* * *

It had only been a day since Neil had become a statue in this throne room but it felt like it had been a month. Laila’s statue still stood there, beautiful as always. Neil was not looking forward to taking his place beside her again.

“I am relieved to have all this settled,” Rhemann said, not smiling exactly, but looking a little less stern. “I did not want my grandchild to grow up fatherless.”

“Grandchild?” Neil asked, the room spinning around him and going out of focus for just a moment.

“Well of course,” Rhemann said. “We have already chosen your future offspring and she has been implanted.”

“A girl?” Neil asked. Not once during this whole ordeal had he had a chance to revisit the fact that he was going to be a parent. It was something he had never wanted. He couldn’t be angry at his mother for his existence but he still sometimes resented her for bringing a child into a life on the run. He had vowed he would not do the same. But this child would have the opportunity he never had, the stability, the future he could never allow himself to dream about. He was a little less apprehensive about his time as a statue now.

“I’m afraid we have bad news,” one of the techs working on the machine came over. “Neil’s Sebacean genes are not strong enough to allow him to go through this process again. The human and scarran DNA is just too different. If we turn him into a statue now, he will die.”

“But…” Neil’s head reeled for a completely different reason. “My daughter,” he said.

“Will grow up without you,” the tech said. “There is nothing we can do.”

The look on Rhemann’s face grew dark. “My daughter will not rule alone. It cannot happen.”

Neil was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that he was going to have a child someday but he looked over at Sara and knew he could make things at least a little bit right. “They haven’t seen me yet, right? The people don’t know who I am or anything about me.”

Rhemann nodded slowly.

“You have my genetic material. You already have an heir and a way to make more. So why not let Sara marry her?” Neil said.

Sara gasped. Rhemann squinted at the woman but then shrugged. “If you are willing,” she said.

“I am!” Sara said. “I am definitely willing.”

“Laila?” Rhemann asked, speaker up to her ear. After a moment of listening, Rhemann held the speaker out to Neil.

“Thank you,” Laila said. “Thank you so much, Neil.”

“Take care of my daughter,” he said to Sara.

She nodded, the biggest smile Neil had ever seen on her lit up her face.

Rhemann took the speaker back from Neil and listened for another moment. “Would you like to meet her?” she asked reluctantly.

“I can meet her?” Neil asked.

Rhemann gestured to one of the techs and they brought forward a small device. They pressed a couple buttons and a child materialized. She was probably about the age of 5. She didn’t look exactly like the girl he had seen before. There was much less Mary in her face. Her features were almost all Laila’s, but Laila had kept the bright red hair, like curling flame atop her head and she had Mary’s ice blue eyes.

“Are you my Papa?” she asked.

Neil was in a state of shock. This was his daughter, or she would be someday. “Yes,” he said. “I wish I didn’t have to leave you. But you’ll be well taken care of. You’ll have two Mamas who will love you and take care of you. You won’t even miss me.”

“Of course I’ll miss you, Papa. I love you.” The little girl smiled and threw her arms around Neil’s waist.

“I love you too,” Neil choked out past an impossible lump in his throat. The girl dematerialized and there was nothing more to say.

Neil stepped out of the cool building into the midday sun. Allison darted up to him and grabbed his arm. “Abby is back!” she said.

Neil’s worry only amplified at that. “Nathan…” he started.

“Is gone for now. He left after we followed you to the acid vats. Coach did some scans and cannot find him anywhere nearby. Once we starburst, he won’t be close enough to follow,” Allison reassured him.

Neil felt one piece of his worry break off and dissolve. “What about…?”

“Andrew?” Allison asked with a wicked grin.

Neil could only nod.

“He showed up maybe half an arn ago, leg injured and dragging Roland on a makeshift stretcher. Whatever he was planning for his romantic getaway, it did not go well.”

Another piece of his worry melted away and he leaned gratefully on Allison, relief making his legs weak.

When they reached the transport pod, some of the palace guards were carrying in several boxes and crates.

“They’re giving us food, Neil. Lots and lots of delicious food,” Seth cackled when he saw him.

“We can ditch the food cubes for now.” Matt came up and swept Neil into a giant bear hug.

Neil looked around, making sure he could see everyone. Dan was directing the guards as they loaded more food. Jean was standing out of the way, an exhausted Jeremy draped over his back. Nicky was sitting in the shade and openly ogling the guards in their uniforms. More than one of them were shooting appreciative glances back. Andrew sat beside him, one leg splinted and stretched out in front of him. He was looking at Neil with an expression on his face that Neil wanted to pretend was relief.

“Where’s Katelyn?” he asked Matt. “Is she already inside?”

Matt dropped his near constant grin. “She’s not coming back with us. The Scarran put her in a state of near heat delirium. She should recover but it won’t be quick. It will be much faster and easier if she has access to the Sebacean colony’s medical facilities.”

“Oh, I thought maybe…” Neil trailed off.

Matt shrugged. “She was never planning to stay,” he said.

“I suppose this is better,” Neil said softly. “She’ll be safer on her own.”

Matt clasped Neil’s shoulder in one big hand before turning and going into the transport pod.

The guards loaded the last of the boxes and left and Neil’s friends all climbed inside the pod. Neil took a last look at the planet before following them. He wouldn’t miss it, but it was a good place for a child to grow up and he hoped his daughter had a better life than he did. 

When he looked around the pod, the only empty seat was beside Andrew. Andrew’s face was impassive and Neil hesitated, waiting until he saw Andrew shift his hips over just slightly, letting Neil know it was okay to sit.

Neil collapsed into the seat, hardly able to believe that his ordeal was over. He tried to keep to himself but he was tired, the hum of the engines was comforting after so long spent planetside, and Andrew was warm beside him. In minutes his eyes were closing and he was leaning into Andrew, allowing him to hold him up as Neil fell asleep.

* * *

Neil was still tired a day later but he could not spend any more time in his room; however, being around the rest of his crew made him itch for space. He decided to sequester himself in the maintenance bay and tinker with his module. It was actually in pretty decent shape but there were always tiny little repairs he could do.

He had been immersed in the comfort of fixing small things for at least two hours when he heard an irregular footstep. He popped up out of the cockpit to see Andrew limping in, awkwardly swinging his splinted leg with every step.

Neil opened his mouth to ask why Andrew was there but he paused when he saw the look on Andrew’s face. Andrew had never been overly expressive but Neil liked to think he was starting to pick up on his micro expressions. Although Andrew’s face still appeared blank, there was a curious softness to his mouth and a hint of vulnerability in his eyes. When he saw Neil watching him he stopped, still about five feet away from the module.

Neil looked at him and waited for him to speak.

“Yes or no,” Andrew asked. He held up one hand and Neil saw with a strange shock of excitement that he had one of the small vials from the Sebacean colony, and eyes full of naked hope.

Neil clutched the side of the module tight, hardly able to speak. “Yes,” he said.

Andrew slowly came closer. Neil waited for him, afraid if he moved at all toward Andrew, he would scare him away. He recognized exactly what this was, not that Andrew thought they should somehow make a baby, but a concrete acknowledgement that whatever was between them, it was not nothing. Andrew wanted more; he saw a future with Neil.

Andrew stopped, close enough that Neil could feel his breath on his face. He reached up with shaking hand and opened the vial, touching the stopper first to his own tongue and then to Neil’s.

Neil kept his hands where they were, holding tight to the edge of his module but he couldn’t stop himself from leaning into it, pressing his tongue against Andrew’s, the only point of contact between them.

Andrew pulled back, taking Neil’s breath with him, then surged forward, capturing Neil’s lips in a deep kiss; Neil could hardly tell if the taste was sweet and sour because his brain had short circuited, one thought on loop: Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.

Andrew pulled back long before Neil was ready to let him go. They stared at each other for another instant of eternity before Andrew turned and left the room without another word. Neil couldn’t stop the grin that stretched across his face as he watched Andrew go.


	11. back it up (and do it again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything is frelled up beyond all reason.
> 
> * * *
> 
> I can't stop shakin'  
The room has a groove and the floor  
It's almost earthquakin'  
Uhuh  
Look what we're makin'  
History out on the floor  
And it's just awakin'  
Uhuh  
So get that needle in the core  
Scratch that back and gimme more  
You know zactly what I came here for  
Back it up and do it again
> 
> -_ Back It Up_ by Caro Emerald

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where it gets a little smutty, folks. This is roughly equivalent to the post Baltimore shower scene. If you don't wish to read it, just stop when Andrew takes Neil back to his room. Feel free to ask me for a quick summary of the important things that happen.

Neil didn’t know where he was. He yawned and rubbed his eyes, trying to wake up fully. Something was wrong. After a moment he realized he could no longer hear Abby’s engines. His eyes shot open in a panic, wondering if Abby had been captured or forced down. Had they crashed? The pounding in his head made him think they might have crashed.

The room he was lying in was not one he recognized. It looked like a hospital room, similar to the one his mother had robbed when he was thirteen. She had gotten him to fake a cough and pilfered everything from the cabinet the moment the doctor left the room.

“Neil, thank God!” Neil scrambled back as his Uncle Stuart entered the room.

“What the hell? How did I get here?” he asked, hands scrabbling behind him to find some kind of weapon.

“Neil, it’s okay. You went up in your module trying to open a wormhole but the solar flares damaged your instruments and you crashed. You should be grateful you’re alive. We almost didn’t find you after you crashed in the water,” Stuart said calmly, reaching out a hand to Neil but not touching him.

“What? No, that’s not right. I made it through the wormhole. I’ve been in space for months.” Neil looked around, trying to spot something that made sense.

“No, you’ve been in a coma for months. I’ve been worried sick. We didn’t know if you would ever wake up,” Stuart said. “They said you might have some vivid dreams, that you would be confused when you woke up.”

A blonde man came in behind Uncle Stuart and Neil felt his breath leave him in a rush of relief. “Andrew, you’re here.”

“You’re mistaken,” Stuart said. “This is your doctor, Chad Harddick. He’s been your primary physician through your recovery.”

“No, you’re wrong. His name is Andrew Minyard. I met him on the other side of the wormhole,” Neil said.

“While I’m flattered that I would feature in your dream state, I assure you I have never been to space and I certainly have never experienced this...wormhole,” Andrew said. He held up a syringe with a criminally long needle. “I’ll need about fifteen blood samples before you leave.”

Neil was suddenly in the middle of a street. Uncle Stuart pulled him back out of the crosswalk with a shout. 

“Are you trying to get yourself killed?” Stuart clutched him tightly.

“How did...how did I get out here?” Neil asked. “Did Andrew take those samples?” He looked down and saw a bandage in the crook of his elbow.

“Yes, Dr Harddick took the samples. Don’t you remember?” Stuart asked. “Maybe I should take you back and get him to look you over again. It might be a sign of continuing head trauma if you’re losing time.”

Neil shook his head so violently it swam. “I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me what’s going on. What happened? Didn’t find another planet and so you decided to mess with me again? Well I won’t be fooled, not this time.” He looked up and down the street, recognizing the pub a few doors down. He bolted away from Stuart and ran through the doors. He glanced around wildly until he saw the women’s bathroom and he pushed in through the door. A woman screeched from where she was checking her makeup in the mirror. Neil stopped, confused.

Stuart came in after him and grabbed him by the arm to drag him out. “Really Neil, I’m very concerned about your erratic behaviour. I really think you ought to see a therapist.”

Neil yanked his arm out of Stuart’s grasp and threw a wild punch that connected solidly with Stuart’s chin.

Stuart went down like a sack of bricks, striking his head on a table. Blood spurted from his temple, covering Neil, the table, and any patron unlucky to be caught in the splash zone.

Neil was on a couch. His head was cushioned on the armrest and he was staring up at the ceiling. He raised his hands and looked at them, both surprised and not that they were completely clean.

“So your uncle says you have been losing time,” a familiar voice said.

Neil sat up, his head aching now, and he looked over at the woman sitting in a posh leather armchair across from him.

“Renee!” he said. He looked around the room. “What happened to Stuart?”

“Oh, he’s fine, don’t worry about him. When he dropped you off here, he mentioned you had been having delusions, that you had been taking faces from the real world and inserting them into some strange science fiction fantasy. Am I to understand that I also featured in this hallucination?” Renee asked pleasantly, her smile somehow even more enigmatic than before.

“This is impossible. You can’t be my therapist. You’re...blue!” Neil said.

“Are you prejudiced against people of colour, Neil?” Renee asked calmly.

“What? No. But you’re an alien. You can’t be here on earth, especially not as a therapist. You have to go to school for that,” Neil protested.

Renee waved her hand at the wall of degrees behind her. “But I did. I studied for ten years to get where I am today.”

Neil stood and crossed the room to get a closer look. He read one of the certificates and burst out laughing. “I don’t know what you’re playing at but this is not your office. All these certificates are for a woman named Primrose Honeybunch.”

“Now Neil, I did introduce myself when you entered the room. I am rather concerned that you have forgotten my name already. I’ll write you a prescription. Five sharp knocks about the head every morning until you snap out of whatever this is.” She wrote on her prescription pad and tore off the script, handing it to Neil. “Do you have a lover to administer your treatment or shall I tie you up and do it myself?”

Neil dropped the paper on the floor and bolted out of the office.

Stuart clapped him sharply on the back, startling Neil. “I know it’s been a tough recovery so far but I am so proud that you feel capable of returning to work on the next phase of our space exploration project. I want to introduce you to the astronaut who has been flying all the missions since your accident.”

Neil studied his uncle’s face carefully, looking for any sign that his violent attack had caused any lasting damage. Stuart looked just as clean and put together as he always had. Loud stomping footsteps sounded behind him and Neil turned to see Jean walking toward him dressed in khaki pants and a letterman’s jacket. He saw Neil and made a hang ten sign with his hands, a huge grin on his face.

“Neil, this is Monsieur Sexlion,” Stuart said.

“Neil, my man,” Jean howled. “How you doin’? You comin’ to hang with me and my posse?”

“Um, what did you say your name was?” Neil asked.

“Monsieur Sexlion but my friends call me Mon. And I think we gonna be great friends.” Jean swept him up in a huge bear hug. Neil felt fresh sweat dripping from his forehead.

“Uh...Mon? Can’t breathe,” Neil gasped.

“Come and tell your good pal Mon all about what it’s like to be in a coma for months,” Jean winked. “Have any hot nurses?”

“Someone is fucking with me,” Neil said, voice falsely pleasant.

“No doubt, no doubt, no doubt,” Jean nodded.

“But I’m on to them. I’ll figure this out. I’ll get out of this,” Neil said. Stuart had taken a few steps away to let them talk but he was looking on, worried. Neil waved, false smile cracking his face.

“Cool,” Jean said. “Cool, cool, cool. Now Neil, all I need from you is the answer to one question. Do you like to party?”

Neil sighed. “Why the hell not.”

* * *

Neil was back in the pub. It was dark outside the windows. The chill atmosphere from the afternoon had been replaced by loud music and bright lights and skimpily clad men and women. Jean set down a drink in front of Neil in a glass half as tall as he was.

“Drink up, Neil,” he said. “No one likes a pooper at the party.”

“It’s a party pooper,” Neil corrected.

Jean ignored him. He had already downed half his drink and was gulping furiously at the rest, alcohol dripping down his mustache and onto his tentacles. 

Neil saw a familiar face at the other side of the bar. He almost called out Andrew’s name but he choked it back at the last second. “Mon, let me introduce you to Dr Chad Harddick!” he shouted as Andrew came toward them. He was dressed in skin tight leather pants that left absolutely nothing to the imagination and a flowy shirt with one button that did little to cover his chest. Black liner surrounded his eyes so they shone golden, looking almost feral in the bright lights. He walked confidently over in six inch stilettos and straddled Jean, capturing his lips in a deep kiss.

“I take it you know each other,” Neil said when they took a break to catch their breath.

“We’ve never met before,” Andrew said, cocking one cool eyebrow. “Sometimes you can just tell when someone will be a good kisser.”

Neil could feel his face heating at the memory of their one perfect kiss. Andrew was already turning his attention away. He turned around in Jean’s lap and started gyrating to the music, bumping and grinding as Jean made some positively pornographic noises.

“Neil, you’re in terrible danger,” Nathan’s voice sounded in Neil’s ear. Neil jumped and looked around, seeing Nathan seated in the next booth over. “Don’t look at me. I don’t want him to know we’re talking.”

“Of course,” Neil said, spitting through clenched teeth. “Of course you show up. This place wasn’t enough of a nightmare already. So what’s your name? Bob Littlecock? George Overcompensate?”

“You know my name, Neil. I’m Nathan Wesninski.”

“I guess I should have known you were behind this,” Neil growled. “I have to give you points for creativity though. This is horrifying.”

“I’m not behind this, Neil. I’m here to help you,” Nathan said.

“Help me?” Neil laughed. “Help me to an early grave.”

“None of this is real. You have to fight it. He’s coming back; I can’t stay. He mustn’t know I’m here,” Nathan said.

“Who’s here? What’s going on?” Neil called. Nathan had already disappeared. “Come back here!”

“What do you mean, Neil? I’m not going anywhere,” Stuart said, confused. “Are you having one of your hallucinations again?”

“No,” Neil lied, trying to hide his confusion when he realized they were in his uncle's research and development building and not in the bar. “I thought I saw someone I knew.”

“Yes well, as I was saying, I have some good news. Your module was completely unsalvageable after your crash and I was unable to secure funding to replace it. But I’ve been talking to someone who is very motivated to see their interests secured in space and they are willing to fund more experiments. If you think you feel up to it, I would like to take you to meet him,” Stuart grinned at him, pleased.

Neil looked around, half expecting the nearby house plant to grow teeth, but nothing happened. “Sure?”

“Excellent, he is waiting in his office,” Stuart said. “I will take you to him immediately.”

They took an elevator up to the 60th floor and walked into a penthouse office that was open and spacious with floor to ceiling windows all around.

Neil laughed as he saw Seth in the place of honour, practically dwarfed by the large desk that dominated the room.

“I’d like to introduce you to Mr Vile McSleeze,” Stuart said, looking extremely proud of himself.

“I wondered when you would show up, you little rat,” Neil laughed. “Not surprised it’s you here, the capitalist face of the space program.”

“You can’t speak to me like that, Neil,” Seth glared, lighting the cigar dangling out of the side of his mouth.

“Sorry, your highness,” Neil took a low bow. “I suppose I should be more worried about the consequences of alienating someone who has such power over my future research.”

“That’s better,” Seth said. “Show a little humility and I’ll let your first comments slide.”

“Or I would be worried if anything I do in this bizarro world had consequences. I punched my uncle not that long ago—cracked his head open, spilled his blood everywhere—and now look at him: not a hair out of place. You think I give a single fuck about what you might do to me for my insubordination?” Neil shouted.

“Neil, I don’t think you understand what is going on,” Stuart interrupted. “Mr McSleeze has offered to fund your research indefinitely. We were considering retiring you and allowing Sexlion to take over completely but Mr McSleeze wants you to continue to run missions into space. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? Without his money, you will be grounded for the foreseeable future.”

“Right,” Neil said. “We’re done here. I have absolutely no intention of staying here and schmoozing some slimy asshole when I could be out there figuring how to get myself the fuck out of this crazy universe.”

Neil strode from the office and Stuart ran after him. “Neil. This is a bridge you do not want to burn.”

“Neil, you must reconsider,” Seth came out of the office in a large powered wheelchair.

“I don’t think I must do anything,” Neil yelled. “Nothing matters here. Everything is all crazy town banana pants and it doesn’t matter what the fuck I do. You want to see what I mean?” Neil took two big steps toward Seth and pulled him up out of the chair. He strode back through Seth’s office and through the balcony doors. He hoisted Seth’s screaming form over his head and tossed him off the top of the building, watching dispassionately as Seth plummeted the full sixty stories to the ground.

“Neil!” Stuart said horrified. “What have you done?”

“Why the fuck do you care?” Neil asked. “I’m going to go get a drink.”

The bar was not quite as packed as it had been the night before, but still busier than the first time he had been in there. Jean was sitting in a booth, Andrew and Jeremy plastered against him. It was horrible and uncomfortable and Neil felt like a voyeur just being in the same room but even this version of Andrew still had this strange magnetic pull and he found himself sliding into a seat on the opposite side of the booth.

“Neil, my man!” Jean said, grinning his too-wide grin as he broke away from Jeremy’s kiss. “I don’t think you’ve met Candi with an ‘i.’”

“As opposed to Candy with a ‘y?’” Neil asked.

“Yeah, she’s on stage,” Jean said, gesturing over to the one end of the bar. Neil didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed the stripper pole before but sure enough there it was and Dan was dancing sinuously around it. Neil blushed and looked away.

“If you wait a little longer, her partner, Duke Hardbody will join her. It’s a show you won’t want to miss,” Jean said with a lascivious wriggle of his eyebrows.

Neil fought it for a while but as Jean went back to ignoring Neil and paying attention to Jeremy and Andrew, Neil could not help but watch Andrew—the way he moved, sensuous and graceful; the way his lips, swollen and pink, wandered over Jean’s skin. This wasn’t Andrew, not really, but Neil felt lost, rudderless in a world with no discernible rules and Andrew had always been so steady.

“See something you like, big boy?” Andrew purred. He detached himself from Jean and crawled seductively across the table. He climbed into Neil’s lap and Neil cursed himself for the weakness but he closed his eyes and leaned in, let Andrew’s arms come around him, let himself find a moment of peace in the chaos.

The illusion was broken when Andrew started sucking bruises up and down Neil’s neck. It wasn’t that it didn’t feel good or he didn’t want Andrew to do it, but the real Andrew would never have done it without permission. It just wasn’t the same.

“Let’s go for a drive.” Neil cleared his throat and stood.

Jeremy and Jean were too absorbed with each other to even notice.

A big black beast of a car was in the parking lot with the keys in the ignition. Neil climbed into the driver’s seat and Andrew slid onto the middle of the front bench seat so he was curled right into Neil’s side.

“This gives me the best view,” Andrew said, placing his hand on Neil’s leg and slowly dragging his fingers up his inner thigh.

“Whoa, keep your hands to yourself,” Neil said, pushing Andrew away.

Andrew pouted but gave Neil a tiny bit of space.

Neil didn’t know where he was going but he drove straight down the road and quickly left all the buildings behind. The farther he got from civilization, the more relaxed he felt. The car roared beneath him and he let his foot lie heavy on the gas, feeling good now that he was running away.

Andrew hadn’t spoken since Neil had started driving and that was good. Neil could pretend he was with the real Andrew, not some cheap, slutty copy.

Nathan appeared out of nowhere, plastered to the windshield of the car like a bug.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Neil demanded. 

“We have to talk,” Nathan said. “The Scarran who has you is currently occupied elsewhere. That’s why you’re getting a break from the craziness.”

“A Scarran?” Neil asked. “Why would a Scarran do this to me?”

“We killed the one back at the Sebacean colony but before we did, he sent a message to his people about you and about my interest in you. They don’t know everything but they know that I am researching wormholes. They are trying to figure out what you know.”

Neil pushed a little more on the gas and the car surged forward. “Well, they really suck at this. I wasn’t fooled, not even for a second.”

“They aren’t trying to fool you.” Nathan let out a slimy chuckle. “They’re trying to drive you mad. It’s much easier to read a mind when all its defenses are cracked to pieces.”

The heat started rising. Neil rolled down the window but a wave of heat hit him like a blast furnace. Sweat rolled down Neil’s forehead.

“You feel the heat?” Nathan asked. “That’s the Scarran. It’s trying to control your mind.”

“You must realize that sounds crazy. Mind control?” Neil laughed.

“I have to go,” Nathan said. “He must not find out I’m here.”

Nathan popped out of existence and it was only then that Neil realized he was driving on the wrong side of the road. A semi truck was driving straight toward him and it was too late to swerve. The truck plowed into them head on in a shower of broken glass as the car crumpled around them.

Neil woke up in the hospital again.

Andrew was still there, holding up another large needle. “The truck won,” he said.

“Why am I still alive?” Neil asked.

“We were very lucky,” Andrew said. “There is hardly a scratch on you.”

“Andrew,” Neil breathed.

“It’s Chad, remember? Are you still suffering from those delusions? Have you not been taking your medication?” Andrew leaned close, practically sniffing Neil’s hair.

“I don’t need you to hit me!” Neil said, scrambling to put distance between them.

“It doesn’t have to be a hit, just a shock to the system. I bet I can think of ways to make it much more...fun. Tell me, Neil, how do you feel about blindfolds?” Andrew’s breath was hot on his ear as he whispered.

Neil squeaked and fell off the stretcher onto the floor. 

“Aw, you’re no fun,” Andrew pouted. “We don’t have the time anyway. You have a visitor.”

“Who is it this time? Is it Sleezeface? I knew throwing him off a building wouldn’t kill him,” Neil scowled.

Andrew got on his knees beside Neil on the floor and leaned in close; Neil still had no idea how to react. “No, it’s someone new.”

“Right, well I haven’t seen Allison yet, or Coach. Or hmm, where’s Riko Moriyama?” Neil said bitterly. He wasn’t prepared for who actually walked through the door.

“Mom?” he whispered, scrambling up from where he was still sitting on the ground.

“Neil, I came as soon as I could.” She came toward him and brushed his hair off his face.

Neil flinched away from her touch. “I’m surprised you came at all, considering you’re dead.”

“Neil, is that anyway to speak to your mother? Your time away has changed you. Where is my quiet, obedient little boy?” she continued to push into his space.

“Obedience means nothing when you’ve beaten someone into submission,” Neil muttered.

She looked hurt at that. “I thought, now that you’ve met your father, that you would understand a little bit more about why I was the way I was. Everything I did was to keep you safe.”

“Everything you did was to keep me in line. You kept me alive, but that’s all you did,” Neil growled, turning his head away.

“Honey,” Mary’s voice grew softer. “I wanted this for you, you know. I wanted you to have friends, a stable home, a lover.”

Neil scoffed. “You had a funny way of showing it.”

“I didn’t want you to become this...this ungrateful piece of shit,” her voice became venomous. “I gave up everything for you. I quit my research. I gave up on prestige. I gave up my wealthy lifestyle. I gave up my life! And all so you could throw it back in my face and call me a bad mother.”

“I don’t need to listen to this.” Neil could feel tears starting to spill from his eyes. “You’re dead. You’re dead and you fucked me up. I was afraid constantly when you were alive. But now I have people to rely on, people who really like me, even someone I lo...care about a lot. So you don’t get to come back here and make yourself a victim. You kept me alive in the best way you knew how and I guess I will always love you for that but I don’t have to pretend that what you did wasn’t fucked up.”

“Neil, baby,” her voice went soft once more. “I love you too.” She reached for him and in spite of himself, he reached back, craving this softness when so much about her had been hard and cold.

Neil could feel the prickle of heat spreading up his spine. He was thirsty, so thirsty. He was in the bar, a cold pint of beer sitting in front of him, condensation think on the outside of the glass.

“Neil?” His mother’s voice shook.

He turned to face her and nearly vomited on the floor. It was her on her last day, hair wild, face streaked with tears, cargo pants muddy and torn, plain t-shirt ripped open over her abdomen and blood, so much blood, spilling over her stomach, spreading across the floor. She staggered, limping, hands out toward him.

“Neil, help me. I can’t…” she clutched her stomach and staggered, falling to one knee.

Tears flooded thick and fast down Neil’s face. “I can’t. I couldn’t save you then. I can’t save you now. Why are you making me relive this?” he shouted to the sky. “Stop. It’s too much. It’s too cruel.” He picked up the glass of beer and chugged it. He was so thirsty, still so thirsty. His sweat soaked his clothes and he let the beer drip down his neck but it wasn’t enough. He placed his head down on the bar, arms covering his head, trying to block everything out.

“Classic signs of avoidance,” Renee said. “I can’t help you unless you reveal your secrets.”

He was on Renee’s couch again, ruining the velvet with the salt of his sweat. “Leave me alone,” he rasped.

“I can’t, not until you tell me about your relationship with your mother,” Renee said.

“Neil was always such an affectionate boy,” Mary said. Neil’s head shot around to look at her. The blood was gone, so were the filthy tattered clothes. Mary was dressed in a simple black silk robe, hair shining and flowing about her face. “I always though perhaps his interest in me was a little more than one should have for their mother.”

Neil sat up, a protest on his lips.

“We’ll get to the bottom of this,” Renee said, standing up and tearing off her suit to reveal a tight leather bodysuit underneath. “Which do you prefer? Whips or chains? Perhaps both?”

Seth popped out from under Renee’s desk in his own leather suit and mask. “I too am interested to find out what makes this boy tick.”

Neil tried to run but he was tied to the couch. Seth was beside his head, long tongue reaching out to lick Neil’s face. Neil screamed, thrashing on the couch until he felt something give. The couch disappeared and Neil was falling, falling, falling; even the rush of air past him did nothing to alleviate the constant heat. 

He landed, flat on his back, on the hood of a police car. Riko popped out of it. “I am Officer Moreyams. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand these rights as I have said them to you?” 

“No,” Neil said. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything.”

“Then I can’t arrest you,” Riko shouted. He climbed back into the car and reversed sharply so Neil rolled off the hood and onto the street. He lay there, gasping for breath, the air burning in his lungs. He squeezed his eyes tight.

When he opened them, he was back in that damned hospital bed, Andrew standing over him once more. Andrew held up the syringe again and opened his mouth to speak.

“Don’t,” Neil begged. “Please don’t say anything. I can pretend if you don’t say anything.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes but he didn’t speak, instead he leaned forward and bit Neil hard on the earlobe.

Neil ran. He tried to run out of town but he kept ending up back at the bar. The heat was finally subsiding a little and nothing too strange was happening so he gave in and sat at his usual table. The bar was practically deserted.

Neil slumped over, head in his hands. He felt rather than saw the person sitting next to him. For the first time in his entire life, he was almost glad to see Nathan.

“How do I stop this?” he groaned.

“Neil, you are stronger than this. He should not be able to hold you. Through my blood you share a kinship with the Scarran race. It runs thin within you but it should be enough to break their hold,” Nathan said.

“I can’t,” Neil said. “I can’t keep doing this.”

“You must. The Scarrans must not see the knowledge stored in your head!” Nathan reached out and grabbed Neil’s chin, pulling him close. Neil flailed his arms helplessly but he had no strength to fight back. “Neil, you are my son. You have my blood running through your veins. You’ve pushed it down, fought it off for all your life. If you want to get out of this situation, you need to stop suppressing your greatest strength. Me.”

Neil choked on the stench of Nathan’s breath. The heat was rising again. 

“That’s all I can do for you,” Nathan said, throwing Neil back into his seat and rising from the table. “It’s not safe for me to stay.”

People flooded into the bar from all entrances. The lights dimmed and a giant disco ball dropped from the ceiling. The music turned itself up so loud Neil could no longer hear the notes, just the thumping bass tearing through his body.

Andrew was there again, pressed up against his body. He kissed Neil and there was a bitter flavour on his tongue. Neil pushed Andrew away and spat to get rid of whatever he had just been dosed with but the colours were getting brighter and his head was spinning and, oh God, the heat. Neil couldn’t breathe. The air was searing his lungs. Everything was wrong. Jeremy and Jean appeared out of nowhere. They tore Neil’s shirt from his body and their hands were everywhere. 

“Stop, stop,” Neil moaned, barely able to hear himself over the music. His body jerked with each beat and every wisp of air moving past his body sliced him like a knife. “Stop! Get me out!” he yelled but the words were ripped away from his mouth before they reached his ears. “STOP!”

Andrew was in front of him again. He’d changed; he was no longer in his skimpy club outfit but was dressed in his leather uniform. He met Neil’s eyes with sincerity. His mouth moved and Neil recognized his own name on Andrew’s lips. Andrew motioned for him to follow and Neil didn’t fight the pull. Andrew led him out into the night. The pulsing of the party was still going on in the background, but it was muted. There was no relief from the relentless heat.

“Neil, I’m here. I’ve come to take you home,” Andrew said. He turned around to gently grasp Neil’s face and press their foreheads together.

“Andrew?” Neil gasped.

Andrew nodded. “Who the frell else would it be?” he smirked.

Neil nearly collapsed in relief. “You have no idea. What happened?”

“Nathan took you from the market,” Andrew said. “You’re on his ship. This is a holographic simulation. It took me a long time to break in but I’m here now. You’re safe.”

“Where’s Nathan now?” Neil asked.

“I killed him,” Andrew said.

“That’s strange, he…” Neil paused.

“Why is that strange?” Andrew asked, 

Neil shook his head, the heat making it hard to think. “Nevermind, let’s just go.”

“Not until you tell me,” Andrew said.

“I...what?” More sweat trickled down the back of Neil’s neck.

Andrew stepped back into his personal space and pulled Neil into a deep kiss. “Tell me,” he whispered.

The wrong feeling intensified. “No,” Neil said. 

“Frell you,” Andrew said. “Stay here then.”

The world shifted and the bar was back around him. Everyone was dancing. Neil leaned forward and banged his head on the booth, trying to get some form of relief but no matter how hard he hit, he couldn’t seem to knock himself out.

“ENOUGH!” Neil roared, rage burning through him, uprooting his fear and tossing it aside. He held up his hand and and in it was a gun. He fired at the disco ball in the center of the room and reality tore itself open around him.

He opened his eyes and saw a startled Scarran standing at a sparking control panel. It growled and moved toward him, grabbing him by the throat and dragging him up into the air.

Neil choked and gasped, feet kicking uselessly as black spots formed in his vision.

“How are you awake?” the Scarran snarled, shaking him like a rag doll.

Reflexively, Neil grasped for his holster and discovered the mistake the Scarran had made. It was so confident that Neil wasn’t going to wake that it had not bothered to remove his weapon. He had no time to think. The Scarran roared at him; Neil forced his gun past the alien’s teeth and fired several blasts down its throat. It groaned and fell to the ground. Neil collapsed on top of it. The air was finally, blessedly cool.

Neil lay there for a moment, trying to gather strength to move. A door opened and daylight stole into the room. 

“He’s here!” a voice shouted and then Matt was scooping him up into his arms and carrying him out into the fresh air. Neil breathed deep and relaxed into Matt’s arms. His eyes were closed but he still felt the moment Andrew joined them.

“Still alive, Josten?” Andrew asked, the hoarseness of his voice the only thing giving away how scared he had been.

“Yes,” Neil said. 

Andrew hesitated but reached out and grasped Neil’s ankle, the warm band of pressure more real than anything Neil had experienced since he first woke up in the Scarran nightmare.

Everyone had been worried sick and, once again, Neil was mobbed the moment they saw him again.

“What happened?” Allison demanded. “Where were you?”

“Are you alright?” Renee stepped into his space, brushing sweat soaked curls from his forehead. Neil flinched minutely and looked pleadingly at Andrew.

Andrew stepped in front of Neil and glared violently. “Frell off. He’s alive. That’s all you need to know right now.”

Andrew couldn’t do anything about the concerned glances being sent his way but he could manage to keep them silent for the duration of their trip back to Abby.

Matt carried Neil back to his room and set him down on his bed. He made a move as if to sit next to Neil but Andrew growled low in his throat. Matt jumped back, face going pale. “You’ll tell us if you need anything, right Neil?” 

Neil nodded, exhausted, hoping Matt was content with that.

Andrew stood awkwardly next to the bed, clearly unsure about what to do next. “Do you want me to go?” he finally asked.

Neil shook his head.

“What do you need?” Andrew stepped closer. 

Neil shivered and pulled at his clothing. They were dry now and his sweat had made them stiff and itchy.

“A bath?” Andrew asked.

Neil nodded. Andrew pulled Neil to his feet. Neil didn’t know where to put his hands until Andrew firmly grasped them and placed them around his shoulders. He lifted Neil off his feet and carried him into the bathing chamber.

Andrew opened a valve on the wall and the basin began filling up. He set Neil on his feet and stepped back. “Do you want me to go?” he asked again.

Neil reached out, stopping just short of grasping Andrew’s wrist. “Stay.”

Andrew let out a shaky breath but nodded. He reached out and grasped the hem of Neil’s shirt, slowly pulling it up and off. He was very careful to touch only cloth, fingertips just skimming his bare skin.

He carefully tugged Neil’s pants down over his hips, averting his eyes when his underwear came off with them.

Neil moved to step into the basin but he wobbled dangerously on his feet. Andrew kicked off his boots and carefully removed his leather vest and pants, leaving himself wearing only underwear and a t-shirt. He turned off the valve and stepped into the basin first. He sat down, drawing Neil with him until they were both sitting in the liquid, Neil’s back resting lightly against Andrew’s chest. Andrew reached out for Neil’s soap and carefully began washing his body with long strokes of his hands. Neil relaxed into it, letting the tension fall away, replaced by nothing but awareness of every place their bodies were touching.

Neil moaned when he felt Andrew’s hands in his hair, working up a rich lather and then picking up a bucket to rinse it away. He isn’t sure when it started to become heated but Andrew began to drop tiny kisses on his shoulders and his hands drew closer and closer to that place between his thighs.

“Neil?” Andrew whispered.

Neil could only moan in response.

“Yes or no,” Andrew’s hand hovered over him, just waiting for Neil’s answer.

“Yes,” Neil said. “It’s always going to be yes.”

Andrew stopped. “I am always going to ask. Is it yes right now?”

“Yes, Andrew,” Neil sighed.

Andrew finally took him in hand, starting out slow and careful, hand loose as if he was afraid to hurt Neil.

Neil couldn’t help it as his hips thrust up in Andrew’s hand, seeking more sensation. He could feel Andrew’s hardness at the base of his spine and he found himself grinding back and delighting in the small soft sounds Andrew made when he did.

Nothing existed but Andrew’s hands and the warmth around him; Neil arched his back, shouted, and came.

He relaxed, sleepiness taking the place of arousal. “Do you want me to…” he gestured vaguely with his hands.

“Uh...no,” Andrew said, his voice strained. “I’m good.”

Neil turned to look at him and saw his face was flushed. His eyes locked on Andrew’s and Andrew leaned forward to capture his lips in a kiss. The angle of his neck was painful so Neil carefully turned over so they were chest to chest and continued to kiss him even as he grew drowsy.

“We should get out,” Andrew said when Neil had to stop kissing to yawn. “Get you into bed. We have...lots of time.”

“So this is something now?” Neil teased gently.

“No,” Andrew said, his face turning even more red. But he shut Neil up with a kiss to take away the sting of his words. 

Andrew helped him out of the bath and into some dry clothes. He wrapped Neil up in a blanket and tucked him into bed. Neil opened his mouth to ask Andrew to stay but he could tell that Andrew had reached his limit of vulnerability for the day.

“Goodnight,” he said, his eyes already closing.

Andrew nodded stiffly and left the room, turning off most of the lights as he went, leaving only a small lamp by the foot of the bed.

Neil grinned and snuggled deeper into his blankets, relishing the silence and the sanity.

There was a voice from the darkness. “I wasn’t sure you had it in you,” Nathan whispered. “How do you feel? Do you feel powerful?”

Neil’s face crawled, like his skin was changing, and he sat up in shock. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and cried out as Nathan’s face looked back at him. He scrambled out of bed and turned on all the lights before examining the mirror. His face looked the same as it always did, nothing of Nathan’s but his eyes. Heart pounding, he crawled back into bed, knowing he needed to sleep. He didn’t close his eyes again for a long time. He could still hear Nathan whispering, like the echo of a forgotten dream. “This is who you were always meant to be.”


	12. a hallowed thing too holy for my unclean lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Neil goes on vacation and discovers a stowaway.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Quiet, come another time  
Isn’t on my side  
Give me a reason why  
I should let it lie  
I need to look alive
> 
> Stillness is a woman I’m too cowardly to kiss  
A hallowed thing too holy for my unclean lips  
She told me she loved me, but I ran away and hid  
I’m convinced she’d do the same if she saw beneath my skin
> 
> -_ Silence, a Stranger_ by the Arcadian Wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another small smut warning for this chapter. If you don't want to read it, stop when Andrew and Neil are finished doing laundry and skip down to the next line break.

Neil’s eyes burned. He rubbed them with his fists, trying to get them to stop itching. He took another bite of breakfast. He should be trying to appreciate it. It was the last of the food they had received when they left the Sebacean colony. But it tasted like ashes in his mouth.

There was something he was supposed to remember, something he should be worried about, but it was like bobbing for apples, the moment he thought he had a purchase on it, it disappeared and floated away.

“Keep frowning like that and your face will stay that way,” Nicky said, plopping down in the seat opposite him.

Neil lost grip on the thought again and this time it was really gone. “I’m fine,” he said. “Just tired.”

“You know what you need?” Allison slid gracefully into the seat beside him, her plate piled high with food.

Neil shook his head.

“Some quiet. You’ve just been through quite an ordeal. No one expects you to just be fine after that,” Allison said between bites.

“Right, and where am I supposed to find quiet on this ship?”’ Neil snorted. “If I try to stay in my room, you all try to drag me out of it.”

“That’s because you shouldn’t be alone. You get strange and broody when you spend too much time in your room. But we do need a change, somewhere we can live without someone trying to shoot us every five minutes,” Allison smiled, mouth wide and displaying some not so well chewed food.

“A vatican!” Nicky squealed.

“Vacation,” Neil corrected. “Have you been listening in on Andrew’s English lessons?”

Nicky ignored him but got up and danced around the room. “Vacation! Vacation!” he sung.

“Look what you did, you’ve broken him,” Neil growled.

Allison shrugged. “He’s right though. It’s what you need. When is the last time you had one?”

Neil’s brow furrowed, wondering if he should count the time his mom left him on the beach for three hours while she went and ran some top secret errand.

“If you have to think about it, it’s been too long,” Nicky proclaimed.

Allison nodded, using her finger to wipe up a few stray drops of sauce. She eyed Neil’s plate. “Are you going to finish that?”

Neil shook his head and pushed it to her. He stood to leave and flinched when she grabbed his arm.

“I have a place. It’s safe. We’ll have practically an entire planet to ourselves,” Allison said. “It’s okay to rest.”

“I’ll think about it,” Neil said.

“That sounds an awful lot like no,” Allison pouted.

“I’ll talk to Andrew,” he amended.

“That definitely sounds like no.” Allison’s frown deepened.

Neil shrugged but left the room. He wandered generally in the direction of Andrew’s room but he tried to use a less common pathway. He wasn’t sure if Allison had already tried to recruit other members of the crew to her cause and he had no desire to find out.

Neil shivered as a draft of cold air blew out of one of Abby’s vents. He turned to face it and crouched down to look inside.

“Boo,” Nathan said from inside.

Neil screamed and scrambled back from the vent.

“Neil? What the frell?” Andrew asked him a few moments later, huffing and puffing from running down the hallway.

Neil shook his head and looked over at Andrew, crouching beside him, hands reaching out ready to steady him but not touching him. His heart was racing like he was terrified but he couldn’t imagine what might have scared him like that. “I’m fine.” He picked himself up off the floor and started walking toward Andrew’s room.

“That didn’t sound fine,” Andrew frowned, matching strides with Neil so they walked shoulder to shoulder.

Neil resisted the temptation to lean into Andrew’s shoulder. His hands shook but there was nothing causing it. He had to be fine.

“I was skeptical about Allison’s vacation plan,” Andrew continued. “But I think she might be...right.”

“Not you too,” Neil groaned.

“Space madness is a real thing, Neil. And can you tell me you’re completely recovered from what that Scarran did to you?” Andrew stopped and waited until Neil looked at him.

“I’ve been through worse,” Neil said.

“Yeah, and you’re a mess,” Andrew said. “Tell me I’m wrong.

Neil glared at him. “Ugh, fine. Let’s take a vacation.”

* * *

Neil couldn’t help feeling apprehensive as they all climbed into the transport pod to travel down to the planet’s surface. The Sebacean colony visit was also supposed to be uneventful and look how that turned out. He tuned out the cheerful chatter of his crew mates and turned to Andrew who hadn’t spoken a word for hours.

“You didn’t have to come,” Neil said softly.

Andrew raised his eyebrow and glared at Neil.

“Oh right, I forgot, you’re a big scary Peacekeeper and no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do,” Neil teased.

Andrew hmphed and pointedly turned away from Neil. Neil would have felt hurt by this but he could feel Andrew subtly pressing his back into Neil’s shoulder and he took it for the reassurance it was meant to be.

They landed, shut off the engines, gathered their things, and stepped onto the surface of the planet. The first thing that struck Neil was the silence. Now that the engines were silent, he couldn’t hear anything vaguely mechanical, not even the slightest bit of an electric hum in the air.

“Right,” Allison said. “Welcome to my family’s safe house. This is the Planet Che’tha. There are no life forms with anything resembling higher intelligence and it’s been erased from most star charts. Because of the magnetic interference from the atmosphere, it is impossible to pick up on long range scanners. The only way to find it is to know where it is, or to stumble upon it by accident like my great-grandfather did almost 200 cycles ago.”

The house was sturdy and well built. It was fashioned mainly from logs and looked to be three stories tall. It was surrounded by a number of trees that looked quite similar to evergreens. The forest around it had started to encroach on the house, like it was trying to reclaim it, but it looked to be in good shape, if disused.

“What do you want to do first?” Allison asked. “Room assignments or task assignments?”

Neil shrugged.

“Room assignments it is,” Allison continued on without waiting for anyone’s opinion. “Matt and Dan, you can have the bedroom to the right of the door. Renee and I will take the first bedroom on the right on the second floor. Jeremy and Jean can have the one across the hall. Nicky, you, Aaron, and Andrew can have…”

“No,” Andrew interrupted her. “I’m staying with Neil.”

Allison faltered a little at that but continued on. “Nicky, you and Aaron can have the second bedroom on the right and Seth and Kevin can have the one on the left. Andrew and Neil can have the attic.”

Everyone took a few minutes to drop their things in their assigned rooms. Neil was pleasantly surprised by the attic. Although it could use a good dusting, there didn’t seem to be any rodents on this planet, or at least this attic was rodent proof, so it wasn’t gross. The furniture had all been covered in sheets of cloth to protect it and when Neil pulled some of them up to look underneath, it all looked to be in good condition. There was one large bed under the window and Neil hesitated when he saw it. Although things had progressed physically with Andrew, they had yet to share a bed.

“Don’t overthink it,” Andrew said gruffly. “I’m not.”

Neil startled and then relaxed. A slight hum began to build in the back of his mind, telling him that Andrew was lying, that this wasn’t okay, but he shoved it down deep and ignored it.

“No point in unwrapping everything until we can deal with the dust,” Andrew said. “But we can stay up here for awhile if you need to. The others can wait.”

Neil shook his head. “It’s okay. We can relax when everyone else does.”

They gathered back on the main floor. Allison had taken charge yet again and was giving orders.

“Matt, you’re on fire duty. Check the wood in the back. You shouldn’t have to chop down a tree but you will have to split some logs. Jean, take your Qualta blade and go get us some supper. Jeremy, go with him and see what you can forage. Stay away from the fungus but most greens, nuts, and fruits are safe to eat. Renee can check them when you return. Renee, Dan, and I will work on airing out the bedrooms. Andrew and Neil, you’re on laundry. You can wash bedding in the lake and we have a line out back for you to hang it up in the sun. You’ll have to hurry if we want it to dry by nightfall. Kevin, see if you can get the generator working. Take Aaron with you. Nicky, you and Seth are cleaning the main areas. Clean out the oven and wash the dishes in the cupboard. The faster we get this done, the sooner our vacation can start.” Allison clapped her hands.

“If I’d known I was going to be doing slave labour, I would never have voted for this silly vacation,” Seth whined. “I was promised laziness and decadent foods. I demand leisure.”

“You’ll get it when the rest of us do, Seth.” Renee grinned sweetly in a way that promised great pain if he didn’t grin back and get moving. Seth was smart enough not to open his mouth again.

Neil and Andrew filled large sacks full of bedding and dragged them behind the cabin to the lake. Neil couldn’t stop breathing in huge gulps of fresh air and his grin grew wide when he saw the water. When he reached the shore, he dropped his sack of bedding, kicked off his boots, shrugged out of his jacket, and waded right out into the lake. It felt so good to be in proper water. For the first time since he had come to space, he felt like he could get properly clean.

Andrew stayed on the shore and started sorting through the bedding. He tossed a couple thick blankets to Neil. “Make yourself useful and scrub these,” Andrew said. Neil could see the smile in his eyes even if his lips didn’t seem to get the memo.

Neil came back closer to shore and began to rub the blankets on the rocks that seemed to be set there for that purpose. Andrew busied himself jogging back and forth with the items Neil washed. They did the blankets first as they would take the longest to dry. In a surprisingly short time, they had everything washed and hanging on the line, blowing in the light breeze.

“Should we head back into the house?” Neil asked, even as he waded out a little deeper into the water. “See if they have anything else for us to do?”

Andrew shook his head, staring at Neil. He knelt down and undid the laces of his boots. He removed them and set them to the side. Leather jacket and pants came off and then he was wading into the water at Neil’s side.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked.

“Yes,” Neil said, already reaching for Andrew.

Andrew pulled back a little, waiting for Neil to get the hint and drop his hands.

“Where can I touch you?” Neil asked.

Andrew considered for a moment before placing Neil’s hands on his shoulders. “No lower than this.”

Neil nodded and eagerly leaned toward Andrew, so sick of spending time not kissing him. It was just as intoxicating as the first time they had kissed but it quickly grew better as they learned each other’s mouths. Neil let his lower half drift behind him, determined not to push for more than Andrew wanted.

Neil pulled back to catch his breath, dazed. Drops of water dotted Andrew’s neck from where Neil’s hair was dripping. He leaned forward and chased one of the drips with his tongue. Andrew shivered and moaned. Neil grinned, delighted, and sucked a small bruise there. Andrew went boneless, practically dragging them under the water. Neil gripped his shoulders tightly and kept them upright.

“You like that,” Neil said.

Andrew glared at him, pink flush high on his cheeks.

“I like that you like it,” Neil whispered.

Andrew growled, sounding angry but looking pleased.

“Where can I touch you?” he whispered, voice rough and overwhelmed.

“Anywhere,” Neil said. “Everywhere.”

Andrew reached out slowly to give Neil plenty of time to change his mind. He grasped Neil’s hips tightly and pulled him closer so Neil could feel the hard length of him pressed against his own. They rocked lazily in the water, pleasure building but without urgency. Neil wanted to let his hands wander lower but he kept them where Andrew had placed them and let Andrew move them.

Andrew pulled back, want naked in his eyes. “I...can I…?”

“Anything,” Neil said.

Andrew sucked in a deep breath and ducked under the water. He fiddled at Neil’s waist and pulled his pants down around his hips. Neil barely realized what Andrew was doing before his mouth was on him, swallowing him down. Neil threaded his fingers through Andrew’s hair and held him there, not pulling, not thrusting, just holding Andrew close. Either Andrew had phenomenal lung capacity or Neil had slipped out of sync with time because he didn’t come up for air before Neil was coming down his throat with a shout.

It was Andrew’s turn to keep Neil from sinking as he came up for air. Neil kissed him with bruising force, tasting himself on Andrew’s tongue. After a moment, he realized he could still feel Andrew, hard and poking at his thigh.

“Do you want me to…?” he asked.

Andrew shook his head but moved Neil’s hands to cradle his face, pressed their foreheads together, and closed his eyes. Neil could feel movement in the water as Andrew stroked himself. He held the position Andrew placed him in and revelled in their closeness. Andrew hardly made a sound beyond the heavy panting of his breath. He whined, low in his throat and tensed up and that was the only way Neil knew he was coming. They stayed like that in the water, sharing breath, until Neil started to shiver.

Neil’s legs shook as he climbed out of the water. Slowly they gathered their things and made their way back to the house.

“Have fun?” Allison asked as they walked, dripping, through the door.

Neil felt his face heat.

“Oh,” Allison smirked. “You really had fun.”

Andrew glared and dragged Neil up the stairs.

* * *

Neil wasn’t sure what exactly had woken him up. It was still light outside and he could faintly hear Matt whooping and some splashing in the lake but nothing loud enough to rouse him from the pleasant heaviness of sleep.

It certainly hadn’t been enough to wake Andrew. He breathed deeply and evenly beside Neil, only the barest of inches between their bodies. He didn’t really remember falling asleep like this. The last thing he could recall was lying beside each other and talking in low tones as their eyes grew heavier.

“You’re beneath him, Neil,” Nathan’s voice was just on the edge of audible. “Look at him, he’s pure Sebacean, strong and obedient. You’re the son of an abomination. You diluted already tainted blood even further. You’re ruining him. He had a purpose, a path, before he met you. And now this is all he’s good for: running, hiding with you.”

“Shut up!” Neil yelled. “Just shut up!”

Andrew burst into motion beside him, tackling them both off the bed and slamming Neil painfully into the floor. A silver knife appeared from nowhere and hovered at his throat until the sleep cleared from Andrew’s eyes and was replaced with recognition.

“What the frell, Neil?” Andrew shouted, scrambling back from Neil like he’d been burned.

“I...I don’t know,” Neil said faintly. “I think I had a bad dream?”

“You think?” Andrew asked.

Neil shrugged. “It’s gone.”

Andrew looked at him, eyes narrowed. “Do you want to go back to sleep?”

Neil shook his head vehemently. “I think we should join the others.”

Andrew nodded and climbed to his feet. He left Neil to get himself up, as if knowing that he didn’t quite feel settled in his skin.

“Neil!” Jeremy threw himself at Neil when he reached the bottom of the stairs. “You missed our triumphant return?”

Neil flinched back violently and Andrew was between them in an instant, snarling. Jeremy seemed unphased. He halted and didn’t reach out toward Neil again.

“Come see!” Jeremy said excitedly, bounding toward the kitchen area.

Neil sighed and made as if to follow him but Andrew turned and glared at him.

“If you’re not okay, we can go back up to the room and hide until you are.”

Neil shook his head. “I’m fine. I was just surprised.”

Andrew stared at him a little longer, looking for lies in his eyes. He grudgingly nodded and turned to go in ahead of Neil, presumably to intimidate everyone into leaving Neil alone. It wasn’t necessary. Jeremy must have said something because there were plenty of smiles directed in their direction but no one chose to invade Neil’s fragile personal bubble.

Neil dragged himself out of his own head and looked around at the room. It had been transformed. A fire burned merrily in the fireplace. Everything was dust free and the sheets were gone, exposing plush and comfortable furniture. The focus of the room was a wooden table that was absolutely overloaded with food. There were several small cooked fowl of various sizes. Large bowls of leafy greens and fruits were interspersed among the meat. The centerpiece was what looked like a wild boar or something similar. It was bigger than Seth and cooked to perfection.

“Cake,” Andrew whispered, nearly whimpering. Neil turned and saw a look on his face he usually only saw directed at him. He looked closer at the table and saw it was true. The cake was rich and golden and covered in some kind of clear, sticky glaze that was probably achingly sweet.

“Now that everyone is here.” Allison glared at the two of them pointedly. “We can start the feast.”

“Finally,” Matt practically shouted, leaping up and starting in on carving one of the birds.

Neil was content to sit on one of the soft chairs and watch everything happen around him. The chair he was sitting on was deep purple and he was so sunk in the middle of it that he didn’t think he could climb out, even if he were hungry.

Andrew left and came back with a plate piled high with food. He shoved it into Neil’s hands then sat on the floor, back resting against Neil’s shins. Neil gradually felt himself relax, warmth bracketing his back and sides, and Andrew protecting him from the front. He picked up a piece of meat from one of the fowl and chewed it. It was perfectly cooked, moist and tender with a flavour that was similar to chicken but perhaps a little sweeter. He was hungrier than he thought and soon he was polishing off the rest of the plate.

Andrew took the plate from him, set it on the ground and handed back a gigantic slice of cake. Neil protested but Andrew glared at him and would not let him give it back.

“At least try it,” Andrew said.

Neil shrugged and took a tiny bite. He had been right, it was so sweet it almost choked him, but there was a lightness there too, a freshness that kept the sweetness from being overpowering. He surprised himself by eating nearly half the piece before giving it to Andrew.

Stomach pleasantly full, he relaxed back into the chair and let the chatter in the room go right over his head. Andrew was there if anything happened and he was surrounded by friends so he could let his constant vigilance drop.

“This can’t last,” said the voice in his head, the voice of his father. “Violence surrounds you. Death follows you. How long do you think it will take before it catches up with them? It’s not just the dangerous people following you they should fear. They should fear you, Nathaniel, the violence in your mind.”

“No!” Neil jolted halfway out of the chair before the softness sucked him back in. Everyone in the room went silent, looking at him in concern. “Sorry, I...I think I must have been dreaming,” Neil said. The details were already gone but this time he could not shake the sense of unease.

“Is there anything we can do, Neil?” Renee asked gently. “I could mix up something to keep bad dreams away. I’ve been able to replenish many of my stores of herbs.”

Neil shook his head. “I think I’m just really tired. I’m going to turn in early.”

Andrew stood and pulled him up from the chair. Neil said goodnight to everyone and turned to go, Andrew following behind him.

“No, Andrew,” Neil said. “Stay down here. Enjoy the feast. Have another piece of cake. Come join me when you’re ready.”

Andrew hesitated, brow furrowed, but there was a good quarter of the cake left and Neil could see him weakening.

“I’m just tired,” Neil said.

Andrew nodded and Neil left the room. He slowly climbed the stairs. The sense of dread was not lifting as he left the room behind. He kept catching glimpses of someone in his peripheral vision but no matter how quickly he turned to look, they were too fast for him to catch. He sprinted up the last few stairs and slammed the door to the bedroom, putting his back to the door and waiting for his heart to stop pounding.

“You can’t get away from me, Neil,” Nathan said. “I’m not out there, I’m in here.” Neil looked wildly around the room and saw a reflection in the mirror. It was getting darker so he turned on the lamp. He looked closer at his reflection and jumped back with a hoarse shout of alarm. His reflection had changed. It wasn’t him. The familiar lines and scars were gone, replaced by a black leather mask with pinched and wrinkled skin. His eyes were the same but that was not a comforting thought.

“I’m getting stronger every moment,” Nathan said. “I’ve taken over your subconscious and I’m moving on. You won’t be able to fight me. I’ve spread too far. Come to me now. Give me the information I seek and perhaps I can remove this chip from your brain before it overtakes you entirely.”

“Get out of my head,” Neil growled. He punched his fist into the mirror, feeling it shatter. An unbroken surface, Nathan still grinning out of it, greeted him. Neil punched it again and again, his knuckles screaming for him to stop, but the mirror remained, not even stained by the blood on his hands.

The sound of splintering wood came from the doorway but Neil didn’t stop beating on the wall until Andrew’s arms came around him like iron bars and dragged him away to the bed.

“What the frell are you doing?” Andrew demanded, his gentle hands at odds with his angry voice. He carefully inspected Neil’s hands, feeling every finger for breaks, before producing a pair of tweezers from his first aid kit to pick broken glass out of his knuckles, and then washing and bandaging them carefully.

Neil could only watch in silence, completely numb.

“Neil. You have to tell me what’s going on. I can’t help you if you shut me out,” Andrew whispered.

Neil snorted. “You’re trying to give me advice about shutting people out.”

Andrew’s hands stilled. He looked up at Neil and shutters dropped across his eyes.

Neil immediately felt awful. He opened his mouth to tell Andrew so, to apologize, to explain everything that was going on. “I’m seeing my father,” he admitted.

“What? Where?” Andrew leapt to his feet and pulled his gun in one smooth motion.

“Everywhere, nowhere,” Neil gestured vaguely.

“Neil? What are you talking about?” Andrew asked, gripping Neil’s hands so hard that Neil winced from the pain of fresh cuts on his knuckles.

“It’s like he’s in my head. I think...it’s so hard to remember. He keeps sealing himself away, making me forget. There’s a chip. A neural network...in my mind. He’s telling me things...lying to me. I think he wants me to kill all of you and come to him.” Neil buried his head in his hands.

“You’re not going to do that, Neil,” Andrew said fiercely. “You’re stronger than that.”

“I thought I was,” Neil said. “But I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

Andrew stood and dragged Neil to his feet. “First thing we’re going to do is tell the others. Second thing we’re going to do is find a doctor to get that thing out of your head.”

“Andrew, no,” Neil protested. “You all need this break. I don’t want to throw you all back into danger.”

“You’ve had this chip for how long? Probably since the Aurora chair?” At Neil’s nod, Andrew continued. “And it’s getting worse, isn’t it?”

Neil nodded reluctantly again. “Since I broke free from the Scarran attack.”

“Then we’re not going to wait. We have to get it out of you.” Andrew pressed his forehead to Neil’s and Neil revelled in the stability it provided.

He found himself nodding, a huge weight lifted now that he wasn’t carrying this alone.

* * *

Neil felt like a lab rat. He had been to several strange alien doctors and all of them had sent him away. This felt like their last chance. Either they would get the chip removed or Neil would disappear completely. He and Andrew stepped out of the transport pod onto the surface of this new planet. It was cold and snowy. They were in a valley in the midst of a soaring mountain range and everything around them was either a dazzling white or a gleaming metal. Most of the planet’s buildings seemed to be underground. Cylindrical entrances with thick metal doors were the only sign of civilization dotting the landscape.

Neil’s head pounded, both with the effort of keeping Nathan at bay, and because he was squinting against the glare, but he still found himself smiling broadly when he saw her again.

“Katelyn!” he said, pulling her into a hug.

“Neil, Andrew has already filled me in. You poor thing. The Diagnosan I’ve been travelling with should be able to help you.” Katelyn gripped his shoulders tight, grinning widely.

Neil’s brow furrowed. “What’s a Diagnosan?”

“Oh, it’s a species of alien that is extremely sensitive to all kinds of toxins and diseases. So much so that they have developed extraordinary medical techniques to keep themselves safe. Not many of them operate commercially so you are very lucky you got back in touch with me. If you follow me now, I can take you to him,” Katelyn said.

“I’m still a little annoyed that we never got to say goodbye,” Neil said, following her through the doorway into the compound and down a hallway. Andrew stayed a few steps behind, glowering at her the whole time.

Katelyn shrugged. “It only made sense. I needed to make a clean break.”

“Do you want to see the others? You can come back with us to Abby and visit,” Neil said.

Katelyn hesitated. “I...don’t know if I’m ready.”

Neil nodded. “Well, let’s get this frelling thing out of my head then.”

“Oh, you’ve started swearing like us!” Katelyn said in delight.

“This is my home now,” Neil said in a more serious tone. “This crew is my family. I don’t need to hold on to Earth anymore.”

Katelyn’s face looked thoughtful. “Good for you, Neil.”

Katelyn led them into a large open room with vaulted ceilings. There were very few things in the room, just an operating table in the very center with a small wheeled cart beside it and a very tall, very thin alien creature with long fingered hands and a metal face plate covering where Neil assumed his mouth and nose were.

The creature communicated with a series of coos and chirps. Neil listened, puzzled.

“Why can’t I understand him?” he whispered to Andrew.

“He’s so sensitive to any type of bacteria that even the translator microbes will kill him,” Andrew whispered back.

“He wants you to climb onto the table,” Katelyn said. “Andrew will have to wait outside the range of the biological stabilizer.”

“Why is he using a biological stabilizer?” Neil asked.

“The Diagnosan needs a sterile environment in order to do his work. The field emitted by the stabilizer essentially deactivates any virus or bacteria within the field so the Diagnosan can remove his mask without danger,” Katelyn explained.

Neil was nervous but Andrew was right there and Katelyn knew what she was doing, so he took a deep breath and climbed up onto the table. The air turned a blue colour and hummed with electricity. The Diagnosan released a clasp and revealed a skull like face with two vertical slits for nostrils. He sniffed delicately, cooing to himself for a while. He picked up a metal ring from the cart nearby and fitted it around Neil’s forehead

Andrew’s eyes bugged wide and Neil’s breath started to come quicker.

“Don’t panic, Neil,” Katelyn reassured him softly. “The ring around your head has the ability to render solid organic matter permeable. This way he can get a look at your brain without actually cutting open your skull. It looks frightening but you are in no danger.”

Neil let the panic go, to be replaced by curiosity. “Can I see?” he asked.

Katelyn whipped a small hand mirror out of her pocket and Neil looked in it. His skull had become transparent and he could see his brain. It was shot through with thin black, pulsating threads.

“Is that what Nathan put in my head?” Neil asked,

The Diagnosan recovered his face, shut down the stasis field and started speaking to Katelyn.

Katelyn nodded. “He says the neural chip has embedded itself in nearly every part of your brain. It is possible to remove it if he is very careful but it will take some time and he cannot guarantee that there will be no brain damage. In order to maximize your chances of recovery, we will need a compatible donor,” Katelyn said.

“I’ll do it,” Andrew said.

“No,” Neil glared. “I will not let you sacrifice any more for me.”

“Who said you have any input on this decision,” Andrew scowled.

“It is best not to have a live donor. We will need significant amounts of cerebrospinal fluid as well as a sample of brain tissue. We have many specimens here in our lab and should be able to find a donor,” Katelyn interrupted.

“And if you can’t find one?” Andrew challenged.

“You would not be a good match either,” Katelyn said. “If Neil were only human and Sebacean, or even fully human, we would be able to use a Sebacean donor. But we will need something a little more resilient to the Scarran DNA.”

Andrew glared but Neil could feel nothing but relief.

Katelyn led them to another door on the other side of the surgical room. The door opened to reveal row upon row of metal pods with glass windows. Neil stepped up and peered into the first one in the row. He started violently and stepped back. There was someone inside. The alien was big and broad, at least a foot and a half taller than Neil and he had silver markings at his temples and on his neck that looked a lot like Nicky’s but far more pronounced.

“Kalish might work,” Katelyn mused. “We have a number of specimens in our stores and I’m hopeful we will have one that is compatible.”

“They are dead, right?” Neil asked.

Katelyn was awkwardly silent.

“He asked you a question,” Andrew snarled.

“Not exactly. They were salvaged right before the moment of death and preserved in this form for precisely this purpose. None of them are viable,” Katelyn said.

Neil nodded. “You’ll make sure?” he asked.

“We double check these things,” Katelyn promised.

“How long do you need to find a compatible donor?” Neil asked.

“You should go back to Abby, get some rest,” Katelyn said. “It will take several arns for us to go through our records and then we’ll want to retest the donor’s blood to confirm.”

Andrew nodded and ushered Neil back to the transport pod before he could protest.

Neil sat beside Andrew in the pod. His headache was worsening and he could hear Nathan taunting him. Every polished surface in the pod was reflecting back a distorted hybrid of his and Nathan’s faces and he wanted to throw up. After a moment he realized Andrew was speaking.

“What?” he asked.

“Just hold on a little longer, Neil,” Andrew said softly. “By this time tomorrow, you could be free and clear.”

Neil opened his mouth to confess to Andrew about his fear and apprehension, maybe to tell Andrew what he meant to him, but there was a particularly vicious throb behind his eyes and something snapped like a rubber band under tension and…

“Of course, I’m looking forward to it,” Nathaniel lied.

* * *

“Neil?” Andrew’s voice came from somewhere near Nathaniel’s feet.

“What is it?” Nathaniel asked, still tinkering with the connections in Abby’s neural cluster.

“Coach wanted to know what you are doing. He said you’re configuring a comm signal outside his control.” Andrew sounded somewhat hesitant.

“I’m just trying to give us an early warning system,” Nathaniel explained, rolling his eyes. “Nathan keeps sneaking up on us but I’ve figured out a way of listening in so hopefully we can figure out his next move before he comes after us.”

“You should rest…” Andrew began.

Nathaniel scooted out from the small area he was working in. He sat up and looked Andrew in the eye, keeping his face carefully blank “I can’t. It leaves me too much time to think and then Nathan’s voice gets louder.”

“Is it getting any worse?” Andrew asked.

“Not as long as I keep busy,” Nathaniel replied.

Andrew nodded. “Can I help?”

Nathaniel hesitated. Andrew wasn’t great at the whole communications technology thing, but he might have enough knowledge to figure out what Nathaniel was really doing.

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Nathaniel said, unable to keep a little irritation from creeping into his voice. “If you’re worried about this thing inside my head, don’t be. I’ve got it under control and it will be out soon.”

“I just…” Andrew paused, red flushing his cheeks. “There were a lot of things I didn’t understand before I met you. But the biggest thing you ever introduced me to...was hope. I...well, I want to give that back to you now. I never believed I could have a future, a family, anything beyond fighting and flying. It’s my turn to offer this to you.”

Nathaniel felt a shiver work its way down his spine. Neil was trying to speak, was fighting to respond to Andrew’s words. Nathaniel shoved him down deep and ignored him. He forced himself to smile. “I would be lost without you,” he murmured.

Andrew’s face softened. He lifted a hand to stroke Neil’s cheek. “Then you will never be lost.”

Nathaniel reached down, accessing the words Neil was trying to say. He had to be convincing now more than ever. “Whatever happens, you’ve worked your way into my heart.”

Andrew closed his eyes, overwhelmed. “You’ve shown me that I have one.”

Nathaniel had one more thing to say. Neil screamed at him not to say it, not like this, not when it wasn’t really him, but Nathaniel had to seal the deal. “I love you.”

Andrew froze, eyes huge, unable to look away. “I…” a smile started small and stretched wide, looking both impossibly strange and completely natural on Andrew’s face. “I love you too.”

Nathaniel leaned closer, pulling Andrew into a kiss. Andrew’s eyes closed and his guard was completely down. So Nathaniel gripped his head and slammed it into one of Abby’s nerve supports, once, twice, three times until Andrew was limp and boneless, blood coming from his nose and temple. Nathaniel shoved Andrew’s body out of the way, letting him flop to the floor. He crawled quickly back into the small space he had been working in earlier and he quickly made a few more connections. It wasn’t his best work but he was running on borrowed time.

He left the cluster, heading to the maintenance bay. Luckily, he managed to avoid running into anyone on his way there. He had been hoping to wait in comfort for Nathan to arrive but it was only a matter of time before someone discovered Andrew and it was best if he found somewhere else to hide out.

He had just left the hangar in his module when a voice came over the comms.

“Neil?” Andrew slurred. “Are you...What are you...Coach said you sent a beacon to Nathan.”

“It’s nothing personal, Officer Minyard,” Nathaniel said. “It’s just that Neil isn’t here anymore.”

“What the frell?” Andrew shouted, his voice getting a little stronger. “Bring him back, right the frell now.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that,” Nathaniel purred. “You intend to destroy me and the information I have so carefully gathered. I would rather not allow all my hard work to be wasted. But Nathan only wants me. If you leave now and go far away, he will not chase you.”

“Not frelling likely,” Andrew spat. “I’m in my prowler; come back now and I won’t be forced to shoot you down.”

“Can you even see to fly with that concussion I just gave you?” Nathaniel laughed. “Just accept that you’ve lost him.”

“Never,” Andrew growled.

Nathaniel could see the prowler drawing closer on his radar.

“What do you think you’ll do when you catch up to me?” Nathaniel taunted.

“I will shoot you down,” Andrew said; only someone who knew him well would be able to hear the waver in his voice.

“Will you?” Nathaniel asked, amused. “Can you really kill your friend?”

“My friend is gone,” Andrew said.

“I thought you were holding onto hope,” Nathaniel laughed. “I see how quickly you let it slip through your fingers.”

“Just come back with me. You don’t have enough fuel to keep running until Nathan gets here and you don’t have any weapons to fire on me. If you want to stay alive, you will surrender,” Andrew said.

“I don’t think I will,” Nathaniel said. “I don’t want to surrender, I want to dance.” He flew low, aiming for the mouth of one of the ice tunnels on the planet.

Andrew followed him in. He lost track of Andrew as he rounded one of the many bends and he flew sharply upward when he reached the other end of the tunnel.

Andrew exited the tunnel far below him and Nathaniel descended until he was flying in Andrew’s blindspot.

“You can’t hide forever,” Andrew said. “I will stop you.”

“Sigh,” Nathaniel said. “I suppose it was fun while it lasted. Do you want me to land?”

“Yes,” Andrew said, barely concealing his relief.

“Do you want me to fly back to Abby?” Nathaniel asked.

“Just set down anywhere. I’ll come get you,” Andrew said.

“Anywhere?” Nathaniel asked.

“Yes, I’ll come and take you home,” Andrew said.

Nathaniel pressed a button to extend his landing gear. “I’m preparing to land,” he said. “That is what you want me to do?”

“Yes, Neil, just land,” Andrew said.

“Very well,” Nathaniel said, descending onto the top of Andrew’s prowler, his landing gear tearing through the cockpit like paper. “Oops, I didn’t see you there.” He ascended again, wheels shedding bits of wire and Andrew’s instrument panel.

“Frell,” Andrew swore. “I’m going down.”

“We’re almost to you,” Matt said. “Can you stay in the air long enough to get back to Abby?”

“No,” Andrew said. “The controls are completely frelled. I can’t even turn around or keep her in the air, much less fly back into space. I’m going to have to eject.”

Nathaniel matched Andrew’s speed. He watched as Andrew launched himself out of the prowler, his seat igniting small rocket boosters to slow his descent.

“If Neil were here, he would be quite concerned for you,” Nathaniel said. “Although it looks like solid ground below you, that is in fact an iced-over lake. Your descent boosters will weaken the ice. It will not hold you.”

“Neil is right,” Matt interrupted. “You need to land somewhere else.”

“I can’t,” Andrew growled, his teeth gritted. “This thing only goes one direction, down.”

Nathaniel felt another surge from Neil and this time he couldn’t keep him down.

Neil gasped as he regained control. He looked around frantically, looking for anything he could do, any way he could stop this.

“Andrew, this is Neil, it’s really Neil. I’m back. Listen, you need to get out of the chair before you land. I would catch you but I don’t have time. If you land on the ice, you’ll be injured but you should survive it,” Neil said, tears flooding his eyes.

“Can’t do it, Neil,” Andrew said. “The harness is frelled and I dropped my knife.”

“Andrew, you have to. You are going to die if you don’t get out,” Neil cried out.

“I don’t have any choice,” Andrew shouted.

“Just get out of the damn chair,” Neil shouted back.

“These things are made to be secure. I can’t just break it,” Andrew said. “I’m going down.”

“Andrew, no,” Neil shouted in horror. He flew close, trying to come up with some kind of maneuver that could save Andrew but there was nothing he could think of. He could only watch helplessly as Andrew continued to plummet toward the ice.

“I hope you meant what you said in the neural cluster,” Andrew said, surprisingly calm. “I did.”

Neil wracked his brains, trying to remember. A hazy cloud covered his memories, but he thought he remembered, or could guess.

“No!” Neil screamed as Andrew landed and broke through the ice.

“Neil! Ne…” Andrew choked on water as he bobbed on the surface for just a moment before the weight of the chair took him down.

“I love you,” Neil said, even though Andrew was already beyond hearing. “Andrew, no. Andrew. God, what have I done?”

He watched numbly, flying back and forth, as the transport pod arrived. It hovered over the water as Jean jumped in. A stretcher on a rope was dropped and a small bundle was hauled aboard. Neil could only follow as they flew back to Abby.

Andrew was being wheeled out of the transport pod when Neil landed. He scrambled out of the cockpit and toward Andrew. Matt stepped in the way, face dark and forbidding.

“Is he breathing?” Neil begged. “Is he still alive?”

Matt just shook his head.

“Why aren’t you doing CPR? Something?” Neil shouted. He dodged past Matt and threw himself at Andrew’s body. Andrew’s vest had already been cut away and Neil clasped his hands together, pushing hard on Andrew’s chest. He sealed his lips to Andrew’s cold, unmoving ones and breathed into Andrew’s lungs once, twice. He’s not sure how long he kept this up but Andrew didn’t move, didn’t cough up a lungful of water and start breathing. He was gone.

Matt eventually grabbed Neil in a tight bear hug and pulled him away. Neil could hardly see through his tears. But he saw Nicky, curled up on the floor by Andrew’s stretcher, gripping his cousin’s ankle hard enough to bruise, sobbing like his heart was broken. He saw Aaron too, his face murderous. He was shouting but Neil was not capable of understanding speech.

Aaron punched Neil sharply in the chin and Neil let himself fall into oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. But if it makes you feel any better, the final chapter will be posted tomorrow! I wanted to get the whole thing up before my birthday on Monday. If anyone wants to get me something for my birthday, I'd appreciate comments. *wink wink*


	13. do not stand at my grave and weep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Neil gets brain surgery and has a happy ending.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Do not stand at my grave and weep  
I am not there; I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow,  
I am the diamond glints on snow,  
I am the sun on ripened grain,  
I am the gentle autumn rain.  
When you awaken in the morning's hush  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry,  
I am not there; I did not die.
> 
> _ Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep_ by Mary Elizabeth Frye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is it! The journey isn't over for Neil and Andrew but this is where I will stop narrating it. Thanks to everyone who's been reading/lurking the whole time. And I am going to shamelessly use my birthday tomorrow to leverage more comments. Please let me know what you thought! 
> 
> Thanks again to @gluupor for the beta and @kittyfeathersflying for the art.

It wasn’t a pleasant awakening. Neil’s head throbbed, Nathan struggling to take control. His jaw ached when he tried to move it and he carefully used his tongue to check for loose teeth. Aaron had not pulled his punch. Neil was not in his room. He had been chained up in the maintenance bay with a stern and impassive Jean standing guard.

“Jean,” Neil rasped.

Jean looked at him warily but made no move to come closer.

“It’s me. It’s Neil,” Neil said.

“You may very well be,” Jean growled. “But I am taking no chances. I will not let you be responsible for another death.”

Neil tugged at his chains. “It’s okay. I know I’m not...safe. Andrew?”

A wince marred Jean’s face for a moment before he schooled his features. His voice was gentler when he spoke again. “He’s gone, Neil. I thought you would remember.”

The hole at Neil’s core yawned open, staggering him with its emptiness. He should cry, scream, something, but the only thought he could muster was that even if his life ended on the operating table in a few hours, it would still feel like an eternity without Andrew.

“No, I remember. What...what do we do now?” Neil whispered.

“We’re going to have a service. We might as well say goodbye properly,” Jean looked away awkwardly. “Aaron doesn’t want you there.”

Neil choked on a sob.

“Nicky said I should bring you if you woke up in time,” Jean said. “I don’t think Aaron will cause a scene.”

Neil nodded. “When?”

“Soon,” Jean said. He came toward Neil and unlocked the chain attaching him to one of the wall struts but he left his wrists cuffed together. They didn’t speak as Jean flew him down to the planet in a transport pod and walked him toward one of the cryochambers.

Everyone was there, standing silent around the room. Aaron shot him a look of animosity. He was standing next to Katelyn who stroking his hair softly and murmuring in his ear. Neil wondered if this would be enough for them to reconcile or if they would be parting ways again once he got his fucking father out of his head.

Nicky came over immediately to give him a trembling hug. “I know how much you meant to each other. Thank you for making him happy.”

Neil nodded and hugged back but every word was a dagger to his already cut and bleeding heart.

Allison and Renee were over in the corner, arguing fiercely about something but in low enough tones that Neil had no idea what they were talking about. Everyone else was staggered around the room with serious looks on their faces, looking toward something in the center of the room, something Neil was studiously avoiding.

Matt looked like he might approach but Dan stopped him with a hand on his upper arm. Seth ignored him. Jeremy came and latched onto Jean’s side but he didn’t say anything to Neil.

Without even meaning to, Neil was searching for that familiar figure, short, built, and dressed all in black. Finally he couldn’t put it off anymore. A large cryotube took up the place of honour in the centre of the room. Cold smoke billowed around him, preserving him while the tube was open for viewing. He was wearing a simple pair of leather combat fatigues. His hair had been washed and combed and a slight smile was present on his face. It looked wrong to see Andrew’s mouth in that gentle curve. Andrew smirked, he glared, he gazed with fierce intensity. This was a look he had never seen on Andrew’s face and he hated that it would be his last memory.

Neil walked forward so he could speak without being overheard. Aaron moved as if to stop him but Katelyn held him back. He reached his cuffed hands out to brush his fingers across Andrew’s cheek. The almost yanked his hands back at the unexpected chill. He leaned in and pressed his forehead to Andrew’s, letting himself remember what it felt like to be close, to be home with another person. “Forgive me, Andrew,” he whispered. He stood and took a step back.

Renee spoke. “We are here to say goodbye to a dear friend, a member of our family. Andrew Minyard was hard to get to know. But once he let you past his defenses, he was a man completely devoted to those he cared about, fiercely protective, and endlessly loyal. He was a man who took the darkness and trauma of his past and did not let it define him. Andrew Minyard. He lived. He loved. We will forever remember him.”

“We will remember him,” the crew murmured in shaky unison.

“Take me to the Diagnosan,” Neil said to Jean, unable to bear the company of others for another single moment.

Jean nodded. Katelyn came up to them as they turned to leave. “Go grieve with your friends,” she said. “I’ll take Neil.”

Jean nodded. Neil left the room, not looking to see if anyone watched him go.

The Diagnosan spoke when Neil and Katelyn reached the surgical room. 

“He is ready for you,” Katelyn said. “He had no issues extracting transplant tissue but we should hurry.”

Neil nodded and climbed onto the table. He didn’t fight when the Diagnosan restrained his arms and legs. “So how does this work? You put me under and I wake up a free man?”

The Diagnosan chirped at Katelyn for a few moments.

“I’m afraid you’ll need to be awake,” Katelyn apologized. “The neural chip is centered in the part of your brain that holds long term memory. He wants your input in order to make sure he doesn’t damage anything important.”

“Fuck, I was hoping for at least a few hours of oblivion,” he joked weakly.

Katelyn looked sympathetic but she stepped out of the field, making sure to stay in his field of vision. The biological stabilizer field turned on. The Diagnosan opened his mask once more and put the ring around Neil’s head so his brain would be accessible. The Diagnosan pulled out a shiny silver stylus and began to prod at different areas of his brain.

Neil saw a flash of one of his math tests from elementary school. 

“Here?” the Diagnosan asked.

“The Diagnosan wishes to know if that’s an important memory,” Katelyn said.

“Elementary school? I won’t forget how to do math or anything?” Neil asked.

“It is unlikely as that information is probably stored in multiple places,” Katelyn said.

“Toss it then,” Neil said.

The surgery continued on this way. Sometimes they were memories Neil wanted to keep: the first time he saw Abby, meeting his daughter in the Sebacean colony, the few times he could be sure his mother loved him. Other memories were easy to sacrifice to the knife: all his old phone numbers and addresses, American politics, jingles for bubblegum and popcorn. His throat was sore as he continued to talk the Diagnosan through his memories. 

“You’re doing well, Neil,” Katelyn said, smiling at him encouragingly. “This is a tricky bit but you’re almost done.”

“Here?” the Diagnosan asked.

Neil was flooded with memories of Andrew: their first meeting, the first time Neil told the truth, their first kiss and everything good and beautiful that came after. It broke open a wound that had barely begun to heal. Neil was so tempted to tell the Diagnosan these memories didn’t matter, that he could cut them out and the pain of loss with them. But he didn’t deserve to leave this behind, not when everyone else he loved would still be grieving.

“That’s Andrew. Keep,” he said hoarsely.

“That’s the last tendril,” Katelyn said. “Now he just needs to remove the chip itself. It’s embedded itself quite deeply in the speech centre of your brain and that will be temporarily unavailable to you.”

“Temporarily unavailable?” Neil shouted. “I won’t be able to talk?”

“This is why we needed donor tissue,” Katelyn explained. “It won’t be permanent. The information will still be there. You’ll just need to reattach the connections.”

Neil nodded. There was no pain but Neil could feel the absence of something important. He could still think but when he opened his mouth to speak, there was nothing there.

“N...n...nn..mmm,” Neil struggled to form words.

“Don’t push. The Diagnosan is working as fast as he can,” Katelyn said. “But it’s out. You might find shadows of Nathan where your brain has copied his information but he won’t be able to take over again.”

The door whooshed open. Katelyn turned angrily. “This is meant to be a sterile operating theater. Please wait…” she was cut off by a gunshot. A bolt of energy went through her shoulder and she collapsed to the ground with a cry.

Nathan appeared in Neil’s field of vision. “How nice of you to do my work for me,” he sneered. “I would have simply clawed open your skull to take what I wanted.

K...k...t…” Neil struggled to say something, anything.

Nathan shot an energy bolt past Neil’s head. A shower of sparks erupted and the biological stabilizer turned off. The Diagnosan fumbled for his face plate but Nathan was already in his space. He spat in his face, right over his open nostrils. The Diagnosan shrieked and clawed at his own face, collapsing to the ground.

Nathan held up the neural chip, the small chunk of Neil’s brain still attached. He closed wrinkled lips around the grey matter and swallowed it whole, leaving the chip and it’s tendrils behind.

Neil gave up on words and screamed at Nathan.

“I could kill you,” Nathan said. “But I think this might be worse. You’ve killed the one you love. You’ve lost the ability to speak. Every person I run into and kill between now and leaving this base, their death will be on your head. I am quite content to leave you to live with that.”

Neil screamed at him again, fighting to break free of the restraints. Nathan grinned again and patted his face. 

“Goodbye, Neil.” Nathan stepped over the limp form of Katelyn on the floor and left the room. Neil could do nothing but continue to scream.

* * *

It was dark, quiet, with not even the hum of an engine. Andrew wasn’t sure what brought him to consciousness. He was alone. He didn’t think he’d ever been so alone.

“Neil?” he called into the void. The void swallowed his voice and threw it back to him. No one was listening. 

“NEIL!” he shouted. Something...something had happened. Neil was in danger...or he was. They both were? He shouted again. The void swallowed his voice and threw it back to him.

Neil was in danger. Something was wrong. “Neil!” The void swallowed his voice and threw it back to him.

“Andrew.” A voice broke through the panic, the dead air. “Andrew, wake up.”

He couldn’t see anyone, just endless black.

“Andrew, do you know who I am?” the voice echoed, giving form to the void.

“Neil…” he moaned.

“No, I’m not, but I can bring you to him. Do you know who you are?” the voice continued.

“Andrew. I’m Andrew. What is this? Who are you?” Andrew shouted, reaching for something real to hold on to.

“This is Renee. We are sharing unity. Your body has failed but your soul has not left. There are still things in this life you are holding onto.”

“Neil,” Andrew breathed.

“Yes, Neil. Allow yourself to join with me, you will understand,” Renee called.

Andrew tried to grab onto the thin thread of her presence but the moment he grasped it, a sense of wrongness flooded him. “You shouldn’t be here.” 

“You shouldn’t be here either,” Renee said.

“Why are you doing this?” Andrew asked. “This could cost you everything.”

“I love you. Neil loves you. We all love you. I could not just leave you, not when I had the slightest chance of saving you.”

“What do I do?” Andrew asked.

“Just hold on,” Renee said. “Hold on to unity and I will bring you out.”

Andrew’s eyes shot open. He was freezing. He was looking through the window from the inside of a cryotube. Renee and Allison were there, crumpled to the floor, a Peacekeeper soldier standing over them, brandishing a gun.

Andrew thanked everyone who had thought to bury him with his knives, threw open the lid and cut down the Peacekeeper where he stood.

“Andrew,” Renee gasped, throwing her arms around him. “You’re alive.”

Andrew braced himself for her touch but when it happened, it was kind of nice. “Oh,” he said. He staggered a little, weak from his time spent frozen.

“Renee, I need…” Nicky appeared around the corner, face frantic. “Andrew?” Nicky rushed forward and for once, Andrew allowed his cousin to hug him.

“What do you need, Nicky?” Renee asked gently.

“I found...I thought he was dead but it’s him! It’s really him,” Nicky gasped, letting go of Andrew and tugging on Renee’s arm.

“Who?” Renee asked.

“It’s Erik. I met him when we were visiting my mother’s home when I was younger. We were caught together and my parents sent me away and told me they had taken care of him. We have to get him out. He has to still be alive.” Tears were running down Nicky’s face as he tripped over his feet while dragging them over to the pod that had held the large, blonde Kalish man Andrew had seen before.

Andrew hesitated. Something urgent in his chest was screaming at him to go find Neil.

“Go,” Renee said, noticing his quandary. “If there is one Peacekeeper, there will be more; I fear Neil is in danger. Go to him now.”

Andrew nodded, pushing his weakness out of his mind and already lurching into a run. Allison outstripped him almost immediately and Andrew let her take the lead. He was completely disoriented and thought he might be lost.

They turned the corner into a firefight. Jean and Matt had ripped a metal door off its hinges and were crouched behind it, occasionally popping up to fire at their attackers.

Allison ducked and rolled and came up crouching beside Matt. Andrew had no intention of stopping. He ran two quick steps up the slope of Jean’s back and launched himself toward the Peacekeeper soldiers, uncaring or perhaps unaware of the shots coming toward him. He rolled into a landing and popped up quickly, making short work of the two Peacekeepers with his knives. He didn’t stop to see if the others followed him. He just kept running.

He was close now. The operating theater where Neil had his consult earlier was mere steps away when he came face to face with a face that had begun to haunt his nightmares and his reckless flight was halted.

“You’re too late,” Nathan said. “I have what I came for.”

Andrew growled low in his throat and threw himself toward Nathan. Nathan grabbed one of the men in his escort and threw him in Andrew’s way. It took only a short time for Andrew to dispatch him but it was still too long. Nathan was already disappearing down another hallway. Andrew could give chase but Neil was so close and Andrew couldn’t wait. He could hear him screaming meaning he was still alive.

He almost vomited when he entered the room. The Diagnosan lay dead on the floor. A bloodstained and weak Katelyn was fiddling with her hands in Neil’s still exposed brain. 

“Stop,” she said. “You can’t enter the field once I’ve initiated it. Neil is fragile right now and any disruption to this field could kill him.”

Andrew stood on the edge of the blue sphere, practically vibrating with his need to be at Neil’s side. 

Neil’s screams had died down to whimpers. He couldn’t turn his head but his eyes were straining to keep Andrew in his peripheral vision. Tears were dripping down the side of his face and onto the table.

Katelyn did something else he could not understand before reaching and shutting off the field. “It’s done,” she gasped, collapsing to the ground beside the stretcher.

Andrew was vaguely aware that Katelyn needed help but the others had caught up to him and were already rushing to her. He only had eyes for Neil.

Neil was panting, screams gone now that Andrew was in reach.

“Andrew,” he whispered through a throat raw from screaming.

Andrew didn’t want to feel this way: weak, vulnerable, and so frelling relieved but it was like he had been underwater this whole time and was resurfacing and breathing in the sweetest air.

“Neil,” he growled out. “How frelling dare you.”

Neil’s face relaxed into the bright smile that always twisted Andrew into knots. “I’m glad to see you too.”

Andrew could feel his face flushing so he buried his face in Neil’s chest before anyone else could see.

* * *

Neil felt lighter. He still caught glimpses of Nathan out of the corner of his eye but the urgency, the pressure was gone. He was back where he felt safest, in Andrew’s arms. They were sprawled loosely across the bed in the attic of the cabin, clothes everywhere but on their bodies and they glowed in the aftermath of reconnection.

“I didn’t kill him,” Andrew admitted in a hoarse whisper. 

Neil twisted his head to look up at him. “What do you mean?”

“Nathan, he was right there. I had him. I could have chased him, killed him. But I came to find you and he got away,” Andrew said. 

“Well, he’s gotten what he wants,” Neil said. “Maybe he’ll leave us alone.”

“You really think that’s true?” Andrew asked, one eyebrow raised. “Or even if he does, do you really want him to have unfettered access to wormhole technology?”

Neil scowled into Andrew’s chest. “I suppose not. But we have time now. You know how fucked up my mind is. You really think Nathan is at all prepared to untangle that?”

Andrew chuckled, the laugh pulled out of him almost without his intent. “I suppose not,” he said. He leaned forward and captured Neil’s lips with his own. They kissed for awhile, relearning the feel and taste of each other. Neil had never thought he could have this again. In this moment, nothing could put a damper on the slow burning joy in his core.

“Let’s finish our vacation,” Neil said. “I am in no hurry to leave this place.”

Andrew nodded.

“We haven’t had a chance to go swimming again,” Neil mused.

Andrew’s breath caught in his throat and there was heat in his eyes when he looked down at Neil.

“We have the whole universe at our fingertips,” Neil whispered. “The only thing that matters right now is that I’ll be exploring it with you.”

“I hate you,” Andrew said, pressing a kiss to Neil’s temple. “You are like a plague, Neil Josten, and you have ruined my life.”

“I know,” Neil said, closing his eyes.

A pounding on the door brought them out of their cocoon of stillness. “Allison said it’s time for you two to stop frelling each other’s brains out and to come down for supper,” Matt shouted through the door.

Neil laughed and rolled out of bed. He hunted for clothes, not really caring too much if what he picked up belonged to him or Andrew. 

The scene was much the same as the last time they were in the cabin. Jean had once again provided a decadent feast. There were two cakes this time and Andrew was almost smiling. Seth already had his plate piled high and was scarfing food down at an impressive rate. Renee was seated in one of the chairs, Allison in her lap feeding her bits of fruit and sips of her drink. 

Jean wasn’t eating. He was in another one of the comfy chairs, Jeremy seated on the arm and looking over his shoulder. He was hard at work decrypting a data tablet Jeremy had found on Nathan’s command carrier. While Nathan and all his men were occupied with Neil, Jeremy had taken his chance to gather some intel. Jean had already discovered some information about his sister, Madeleine, enough to know that she was still alive. It was only a matter of time before he would discover her location and he too would have a happy ending.

Matt and Dan had just finished serving themselves and were heading out the door. “Do not follow us,” Dan warned. “Better not go near the lake at all.”

Neil blushed.

Aaron and Katelyn were sitting on the floor in the corner. Aaron staring at her face with a lovesick expression as Katelyn shyly smiled. Neil wasn’t sure if they had worked everything out. But their matching necklaces were on display rather than hidden under their clothes so it seemed hopeful.

Nicky was still unable to take his eyes off of Erik, as if he was afraid the man would disappear if he looked away for a second. He had apparently been released none the worse for wear from his extended stay in the cryopod and he was all too happy to be the centre of his attention. He let Nicky drape himself over his shoulders, and feed him choice morsels, and talk his ear off. His contribution to the conversation was an ear splitting grin that would not let up.

Kevin was packing up a basket of food, intending to take it back up to Abby to share with Coach. They had been spending a lot of time together lately and Kevin was starting to stand taller and smile more.

Neil looked around the room. He accepted the plate of food Andrew had prepared for him and returned to his earlier spot in the chair. When he had run from Earth, he had expected just to keep running. He had never thought that this was what he would find, a family among the stars. Whatever happened from this moment on, he was home.


End file.
